Monday - June 14, 1999 - 12:55 PM EST
We stayed in the country Saturday through last night. Came home early this morning so Joe could get to work on time. When we got back in town we found a message on the answering machine from Jacobina.... Dr. Steve and Brene had their little girl!! Didn't get many details. Bill and Jacobina are in Houston with them. I believe Miss Ellen weighs 7 pounds, 14 ounces and was born yesterday at 3:09 pm. WAY COOL!!! Congratulations Brene and Steve!!!! We can't wait to see her-- get some pictures scanned in and send them.
Listening to "Waiting in Vain", Bob Marley. Was he just the sweetest, most talented guy or what? I have a video I made of a concert he did years ago and treasure it as much as an old family movie. He danced and sang and shook his dreadlocks-- everytime I see it, I just melt. Nice to listen to him; it's been too long.
I guess I didn't exactly get cured last week but I do feel better. The therapist was very nice and easy to talk to, totally non-judgemental. I think she's going to be a big help. My psychiatrist raised the dosages of the new meds; that's probably helping also. I went to my PCP on Friday for my finger. It's still swollen. I have to wear this stupid splint another three weeks. Shouldn't complain. My finger is sore and I'm forever bumping it into things. At least this way I have something helping to keep it straight.
That dirty rat Marilyn snuck away yesterday to see Austin Powers - "The Spy Who Shagged Me". She went with our friend Annabelle and Annie's son, Jonah. After promising for weeks she and I would go together! I'll get you Merle, you and yer little dog too.
Joe and I watched a couple of great movies on video over the weekend: "Meet Joe Black" with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. As Merle says, "I'd like to have a sandwich with the two of them in it!" (Yumpty Dumpty, me too.) Also watched "Bulworth". Both are definitely worth renting if you haven't done so already. And what the hey, let's make that sandwich a triple decker with Warren Beatty on top! And can you make that to go?
Bob Marley is finished; now I'm groovin to The Beatles - "Come Together". If I'd just let myself go with the movies and the music... What can I say? Life is good.
Thanks for checking in.
Wednesday - June 9, 1999 - 9:09 AM EST
Gee, maybe I should play 999 in the lottery today (couldn't hurt.)
Today is the day I get cured or so I'm thinking. I took all my meds, rode my bike, am finishing up my gallon of water, going to see my psychiatrist at noon and a therapist at 5:00. How cool-- tomorrow you'll read this and I'll be this really happy, content, peaceful person, fulfilling all my dreams and helping society. Oh yeah and don't forget the world will be perfect too with no wars or disease or hunger. Everybody will be happy, content, peaceful… that's not asking too much, is it?
Can't wait until then, catch you later. Thanks for reading.
Friday - June 4, 1999 - 5:01 AM EDT
Couldn't sleep so I've been fooling around on this machine all night. About forty-five minutes ago, I started hearing the birds. Nice songs.
Lauren was graduated from kindergarten yesterday. Big doings-- they held it at the church with the elementary band playing Pomp and Circumstance (slightly off key) from the choir loft. The kids wore white plastic caps with tassels and walked down the center aisle with their hands held together in prayer. Most of them were laughing or waving. Lauren was very serious-- had her eyes downcast like she really was praying. What a sweetie. Kept seeing all these babies in their mother's arms all around me. Made me realize how fast she's growing up. Managed not to cry but Heather did enough of that for all of us!
They (the kids) put on a play (I had already seen a sneak preview at Grandmother's Tea) and sang songs, then the principal and the teacher called each one up to the altar to present jim or her with a diploma. Both Joe and Heather took lots of pictures. Hope some turn out. I'll scan one in if I can.
Peggy in Va Beach called me a day after I called her. Invited us down for a long weekend. Really would love to go but doubt we'll get it together. Lucky if I can get out of bed (or, as happened to be the case last night, lucky if I can get in.)
Bill's still calling to see if I'm coming to San Antonio. I looked up some airline prices but that's about as far as I got. Wouldn't be too bad as long as I book reservations a couple of weeks ahead of time. But "not too bad" doesn't mean I can afford it.
Still haven't had a chance to set up an appointment with a therapist. Guess I'd better call another one since this woman and I can't seem to connect. One down, four to go.
Guess I'll go get some coffee. Joe's gonna have a fit if he finds out I never went to bed. Think I'll just say I woke up very early. That's not really a lie. Anyway, take it easy, greasy...
Wednesday - June 2, 1999 - 7:57 AM EDT
Hello. Not writing much these days since the doctor made me put this stupid splint back on my finger for two more weeks. Didn't break anything though so I should be thankful. Guess maybe I should have worn it longer than 4 days the first time I injured it. Give it a little more time to heal up. At any rate, I had to cancel out of helping my old boss with his typing. He'd be better off with a trained monkey at the rate I'm going these days.
Called a therapist yesterday morning and left a voice mail but wasn't able to talk to her when she called back last night (I had ridden Dark Pony to Sleepy Town an hour before.)
Spent the weekend in the country. The 17 year cicadas have surfaced here in Washington and Greene County this summer. They were singing (or tap dancing & farting or whatever they do) so loud, it was hard to hear anything else. Spotted our friend the Beav (he's our friend now but next week after he chews off all our trees, I'll be ready for that beaver coat again.) We babysat Lauren Friday night & I screwed around here so long on Saturday, we didn't get down there until 8:30 Saturday night. Love that it's still light out until 9 or so though, don't you?
Our friend Denny came down Sunday with his little girl Caitlyn. We sat around mostly BSing. Did take a walk up through the back arboretum. Denny spotted another big turtle in the creek. He thought it was a spiney soft shell after looking it up in a book. A baby groundhog kept popping out of one of the many holes in the front yard. Decided it must be a mixed use community down under there, with condos and townhouses and single family dwellings. Also saw numerous chipmunks running in and out. Monday was a quiet day for me. Listened to tapes, read a book "Sabbath" (it's excellent, by the by), and wrote in my journal. Joe managed to accomplish quite a bit of work over the two and 1/4 days-- installed 3 new light fixtures, mowed and put all new insides in the upstairs toilet.
After a relatively good couple of days, I expected to come back down which I did with a vengeance yesterday. So bizarre-- I can actually feel the change in the atmosphere around me when I slide back down into the abyss. It was my own fault. I put Tracy Chapman's New Beginning CD on the stereo and that always reminds me of those last few months when my mom was in McMurray Hills Manor (used to listen to it while driving there and back every day.) My mom was so sick the last six months of her life. She had vacated the premises for all intents and purposes. The woman I visited was no more my mom than an abandoned cicada shell is the cicada.
On her last day, I knew she was dying and I was stroking her face and telling her how beautiful she was (she was a knockout.) I told her it was time for her to go so she could see my dad again and so they could get ready for when we all join them. There's this one song on the CD where the lyrics are "Save a place for me"... Anyway, I really miss that face and having her to talk with. I was thinking about all that when my aunt Patty called. She and her husband are up here from Florida to sell their condo. I didn't want to tell her what was bothering me, get her all worked up too. Patty is one who cries at the drop of a hat. But it was obvious I wasn't in too good a shape so I did admit to her I was down.
Patty told me Peg in Va Beach hurt her foot (Patty & Bob had stopped there on their way north.) I had a free 10 minute ATT card so I called Va Beach to see if Peggy was okay. She was, said the doctor told her it was arthritis but that after a certain age, that's what they always tell you. She put Jean on and we got to chat a bit. Then Art came on and right in the middle of his joke, the ATT operator cut me off. I called back but he wasn't about to repeat it so I just talked to Jean a bit more then hung up.
Missed all the excitement here in Wash PA on Memorial Day. A 250 pound black bear found his way into town and was running amuck through neighborhoods including Heather's. Following close behind was a mob of police cars and game commissioners and spectators complete with their cameras and barbequed ribs & beer cans. The police finally treed the poor thing. Took 8 tranquilizer darts to get him down. (Merle suggested we remember this so if we ever get desperate, we can always put on a bear suit and get free drugs. I love Merle!) Guess they released him in state game lands somewhere out of town. Must not have been the brightest bear to have wandered in here to begin with-- no Yogi, that's for sure-- maybe Boo-Boo.
That's about all that's happening here. Before I quit though, I want to apologize to you all. Don't mean to be freaking you out by these entries. After the last few, a number of you contacted me, worried sick that I'm going off the deep end. I may be but with the drugs and therapy, I'm certain there's a lifeguard and innertube down there to catch and help. The last thing I want to do is freak everyone out. But if I censor myself here... well, if you know me, you know that's not something I do very easily. So thanks for reading and understanding. Catch you later....
Thursday - May 27, 1999 - 6:17 PM EDT
I'm in a good mood for once-- a red letter day, better mark it down on your calendars!
Slid my finger back out of place (not the fun part of the day.) Luckily, it didn't go out as far as last time, just a little but it's swollen. Joe, sweetheart that he is, came home as soon as he found out to take me to the doctor. Only prob is the doctor was busy so I don't get to see him until tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm back to using just nine digits.
My old boss called. Wants me to come in next Wednesday to help him with some stuff for the new Pittsburgh Convention Center. I told him yes before I screwed up my hand but surely it will be better by then, right?
Talked to my psychiatrist about therapists-- he gave me a list of 5 to pick from. Guess I'll start calling tomorrow. Decided to try the new medicine again today. Heather pointed out that everyone & their brother has been beseiged by this stomach virus and that was probably my problem the other day, not the new medication. She must have been right; didn't have any side effects today.
Been listening to some great old albums: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and The Doors. Lest you think I only listen to dead people, also played Joni Mitchell who, last I heard, was very much alive and well and bonding with the daughter she gave up thirty years ago. ("Little Green have a happy ending...")
Wonderful news from Texas-- Dr. Steve was awarded the Pediatric Resident of the Year award at a dinner this week!
Alright!!! Way to go Steve!!!!
Bill and Jacobina have invited me down to visit them in San Antonio. Thinking about going too; it's been a long time. Marilyn has been inviting me to stay at the farm with her. Hey, I might spend my whole summer traveling! Sounds good to me!!
Speaking of traveling, Pat & Chris Jarvis are heading to Jamaica this weekend. Is that too cool or what? Might just have to go listen to Bob Marley on that note. ("Natty Dread rides again...")
Well from the sound of it, Joe is done mowing so I'd better get off and see what he's up to. Take care & thanks for reading.
Wednesday - May 26, 1999 - 8:27 AM EDT
Well, that was interesting. My psychiatrist didn't disagree with me, that I was crazy and needed more help. He prescribed two new meds to go with the ones I already take and suggested therapy. Said if those didn't help, I should probably be hospitalized.
Strange reactions from my family, well not really, considering it's a sin to be sick. Merle continues to tell me it's all in my head. Both she and Bill are worried but have cautioned me to shut up or I'm going to get in way over my head. They are probably right. Tried the new medications yesterday and was sicker than a dog. Not sure it was the pills but felt bad enough that I'm not trying them again any time soon. Guess I will try to find a therapist... although again, it's maybe a waste of time and money. It's a Larkin/Alley thing; we were never allowed to be sick without feeling guilty as hell about it. And I have to admit, most of the time it works. Sometimes, it doesn't, like if you're having an appendicitis or dying.
I wrote a story for my one writing group. Didn't get much feedback. Everyone might just be too busy or maybe the story was so badly written they didn't know what to say (I'm not paranoid.) Anyway, tried to do the rewrite with what little I was given. Guess I'll go ahead and post it here with my other shit. At least I'm writing something is the way I figure it.
Majorsville isn't in any shape to be planning any Memorial Day activities. We're still waiting for the driveway to dry to add more gravel. We've had rotten weather, guess the end of April - beginning of May were so nice that it had to get chilly. And in the house the downstairs bathroom sink needs a new faucet, the upstairs bathroom's toilet needs new insides. It's always one thing or another.
I'm not appreciative of Majorsville at all right now, much like the other blessings in my life. Just taking it for granted and getting pissed off that it's not doing it for me anymore and that it takes so much work. Terrified that I'm going to cause something bad to happen with this type of attitude. Like God will look down and say, you think you've got it bad, well let me show you BAD.
So this is not a particularly uplifting entry, is it? I do still have a sense of humor, that's something. I was talking on the phone with Merle the other night, telling her this horrid secret from my childhood, one of those things you carry around with you forever, never mentioning. But we both kept getting interrupted by calls from telemarketers. It was really too, too funny! Like sobbing one second then the next having to tell someone no, you don't care if your basement is leaking, then sobbing again the next. Put a new perspective on everything-- I guess even telemarketers are good for something.
Talk to you again soon and I'll try to not be so morose. Thanks for reading.
Sunday - May 23, 1999 - 8:35 PM EDT - second try
These journals are filling up too fast, guess I need to get control of my bizarre need to write it all out. Or at least find a way to do it in less words. At any rate, I already wrote in here once today but that was really more like last night so I'm just going to call this one "second try".
Thinking about what I should say to the doctor tomorrow evening. How much do I want to tell him? Should I ask him for a different medication? Should I ask to be hospitalized? Should I ask for another psychotherapy recommendation? Or should I just shut up and wait and see what happens?
I've been riding my bike. Merle suggested six weeks of that. I've made it through two days (out of three-- bad start.) Did enjoy it. Don't feel like it's making me forget the other crap but maybe that's not true because at least for the half hour or so I'm riding, I feel like I have a modicum of control. I'm just not sure I can wait six weeks-- things are so bizarre and I don't see them changing anytime soon.
I never thought I'd seriously consider ECT. In fact, when all this started years and years ago, that was probably my biggest fear, relinquishing control, being hospitalized. Probably had seen & read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest one too many times. Ditto for Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. You know the fear of men in the white coats coming and taking you away type stuff, bars on all the windows and Nurse Ratchet and knocking around the zoo. But now I'm feeling different, like god, wouldn't it be such a relief to know it was all going to be okay in such a short period of time. As far as worrying about losing memories, there are so many I'd just as soon never recall. And if it really could help, I'd say let's do it, do it now.
Of course I guess there's no guarantees. But if the odds are with me... It's just gotten to the point where I can't find what I'm looking for. Not even necessarily certain what it is. But I know I'm down and very few things seem to matter as much anymore. Things that used to seem like they were the most important parts of my life, I just don't feel like I have the energy or motivation to give a shit about. Other, totally ridiculous things, have become so momentous and there's no way I seem to be able to control this thinking.
I'm afraid I'm doing irrepreable damage. I'm functioning at the most limited level--- can't work, barely able to leave the house, consumed with feelings of inadequacy and doom, hellbent on self destrutive tendencies. Haven't felt this low since it all began and before I sought any help at all. There's no doubt the Prozac was helping but for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be doing the job anymore.
Joe, as we all know, is close to a saint. He's trying so hard to help and having to deal with so much. He doesn't need this. He's got plenty of real problems to handle. Right now he's out grocery shopping because I couldn't get it together. What I do get together these days is such a joke.
So I guess the bottom line is something needs to be done. I'm not sure what that is and I wish I had a better idea before having to visit my psychiatrist tomorrow. But I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this appointment, holding on with my fingernails, so to speak. It's seemed like it's taking forever and he usually helps, even if just for a short period. I guess I shouldn't have waited. I should have called him weeks ago and told him how bad it was getting but it's all so cloudy and unclear.
So this is where my head is at right at this moment. Prayers and support you've all given me is much appreciated. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. Love ya...