It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm gonna have to just live without it
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey or something in between
And I can always change my name if that's what you mean.
Adam Duritz
Later that same life, later that same night - 11:59PM
Ya'll probably won't believe but I'm in a great mood now. Why? I don't know. Maybe best not to think about it, just enjoy while it lasts. Made a different dinner: fried shrimp, ramen noodles with vegetables. Yes, all right, my cupboard did look like Mother Hubbard's but this turned out okay, pretty tasty. Guess I should have gone to the grocery store. Maybe I will still. I'm almost out of cigarettes. I could smoke some of Joe's but that's not like smoking my own. Besides, I sort of enjoy going to the grocery store in the middle of the night. As long as I only have a couple of things to get. Never very many people there and you can listen to tapes on the way out and back, REAL LOUD if you want.
Talked to Merle for awhile tonight. She tells me Maggie is having Thanksgiving. That's wonderful. I feel like someone took a bowling ball off my shoulders. Heather will be helping. The only thing I have to bring is (are?) zucchini fritters. Easy enough, assuming I can find zucchini at the grocery this late in the year. Maggie has my parents old dining room furniture so it's fitting that we eat there. This is one of the few things I like about getting older... having Heather and Maggie take over some of this shit. It's way cool.
Talked to Heather also. She had a bit of a run in with Lauren's teacher. Don't blame her, the woman is a bitch. Guess she told Heather that Lauren was too smart for her own good. (????) And that she would have had straight A's but she had lowered her grade to B in a few subjects because of her misbehavior. Said next time she would lower all of her grades a full letter grade every time Lauren misbehaved so she might get all D's and F's. (What kind of crap is this?) Then she said she's a good teacher and always loved teaching but now because of Lauren, she almost wants to quit. She said all this in front of Lauren. (From the first day this year, Lauren has been telling me her teacher hated her. I thought she was exaggerating.) Anyway, guess the teacher said all of this in front of Lauren who was shaking like a leaf. Suffice to say Heather was a little pissed. I don't know how all this will turn out. I'm sure something will work out one way or another. Hope Heather doesn't end up punching this lady out but she might have to before it's all over.
I'm almost done with Marilyn's book. (I know I'm slower than molasses.) It's still as dry as the Mojave but the subject is so bizarre it almost doesn't matter. This crazy psychopathic serial killing doctor practiced all over the place. Where I am right now, he's split this country and is off poisoning people in Zaire. I might have to read some Stephen King after I finish this-- need some light reading.
Sweet dreams. Thanks for reading.
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Monday - 11/8/99 - 5:14PM EST
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
Adam Duritz
Yes Jani, there is a Santa Claus. Deb did some searching on the web and found tickets for Counting Crows in both Cleveland and Columbus. I can even buy them online. You are such a gem Deb. Wanna come see them with me?
Speaking of which, I taped them on Late Night with Conan O'Brien last week. I read somewhere he was an English major in college but quit a few credits shy of his degree. I knew he was a poet.
Lauren was off today. She's getting her first report card and the parents had to meet with the teacher and kid. (Heather & Lauren are there now.) I know Lauren has to be getting A's in all her studies but she did confide in me that she was bad a lot these past six weeks. Oh oh. I asked her why and she said because she hates school and all the other kids are mean and her teacher is the meanest of all. I didn't know what to say except welcome to the real world.
I took her to the dentist this afternoon for a cleaning and check-up. She needs to go back next week and have a couple of things taken care of. Think I'll let her mother or PapPap go that time. I don't do well at all when she's in pain & I'm the biggest baby in the world when it comes to the dentist.
We stopped at the playground on the way home from the dentist. She managed to get me on that silly sliding board again. It was a blast.
She was off last Friday also. We went to a different playground then. I took my video camera and took some great footage. The day was clear, pretty and there were still golden leaves on a few of the trees. A house nearby had a five-foot long windchime suspended from the roof of an upstairs deck. The chimes were ringing and it really seemed like magic was occuring. I persuaded Lauren to tell me a story and act it out, all while I was filming. Didn't use up the whole tape but I figured I had a good hour and a half anyway. (I had taken some on Halloween also.)
On Saturday I put the tape in the vcr-- couldn't wait to see how it turned out. But the screen was blank. I could hear everything but didn't see anything. Near the end a picture finally appeared but it was all distorted in color and contrast. Then finally two seconds of normal looking footage showed then it was over. I didn't know whether it was my vcr or my recorder or what. I rewound and tried again with the same results. I decided the tape sounded loose in its case so I fast-forwarded to the end, hoping to get out whatever slack was there. Then it locked up and wouldn't rewind or anything.
Then Joe and I watched What Dreams May Come again. We had seen it last summer and I liked it. But I wasn't prepared-- this time I was a basket case by the end. Why does time have to go by so quickly? Why can't we stop and enjoy it? Why do we have to loose the people that mean the most to us? When am I ever going to get over this? It seems like never. It seems like I just waste all my time grieving and then I look back and see how much time I've wasted and then I have to grieve for that. It's like it'll never end. But yes it does end and isn't that what started all this in the first place? I know that's why I keep having the dream of being at the beach and it's time to go home but I forgot to look at the ocean and there isn't time and I'm just devastated. I used to dream about the big wave coming and drowning me. I don't dream that anymore. I think that's because it's already come and I've already drowned.
Sorry. This is fast deteriorating into something I didn't want to get into. I'll try and write something more upbeat next time. Love you all.
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Sunday - 11/7/99 - 5:30PM EST
I am
Taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am fine
Adam Duritz
I'm having a hard time writing anything in here. So much of what goes through my head isn't fit for public display and I'm not sure it's wise to let everyone know just how crazy I am. I'm gonna go get some music to listen to while I write this-- maybe that will help. Be right back.
Okay, that's better. I'm not even going to bother telling you who I picked to listen to. I checked in with Joe while I was downstairs. The Steelers are beating San Francisco-- good. It's almost halftime. Joe's gonna make dinner... vegetarian hotwings, potatoes, veges. Man, sounds good to me. I was about ready to start gnawing on my forearm.
Using the "new" computer Joe brought home from work last week. I hooked it up Friday but Lauren was here so I didn't get to play. Seems faster, of course half the programs aren't loaded yet. Also haven't added the printer and scanner.... all in good time.
I'd kill to get my hands on tickets for Counting Crows-- they have shows scheduled for Columbus and Cleveland-- both within driving distance. But I'm probably too late to get tickets. This is what comes from being too depressed to function. The worst, the absolute worst is I found out they're playing Bucknell University this coming Friday, at the fieldhouse. Tickets were only $20 a piece. I could cry. I might still.
Dinner's ready. Maybe I'll write more later. Maybe not. Thanks for reading.
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November 3, 1999 - Wednesday - 10:14AM EST
The biggest reason why I chose Angelfire for my web site is because I didn't have to display their advertisements on my pages..... until now. When I logged on this morning, the ubiquitous POP-UP window appeared. The only thing I hate more than displaying advertising that I didn't choose is displaying POP-UP advertising that I didn't choose. I did some investigating and found my only alternative was to display the Angelfire banner at the top of every page in my site. So from now on, that's what you'll see. I can't tell you how upset this makes me. I know it's a stupid thing to be angry about, but it makes me want to SCREAM!!!!! I guess I need to change my philosophy of life to "FRED, BUB, ADVERTISEMENT, DEAD."
Woke up to a gray sky and a snow-covered back yard this morning. Seems early for snow but hey, might as well get this show on the road, right? I don't have to look up the lyrics from the Simon and Garfunkel song. No Western Pennsylvanian does; it's just life as we know it.
"Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Look around
Leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground"
I bought This Desert Life, the new Counting Crows cd yesterday. It blew the top of my head off. I'm going to tape it so I can listen to it in the car. Sometimes the car is the only place I want to be. No one can reach me there. It's my own private place, the place where I can be me and listen to music and not worry about what anyone thinks. I can be depressed. I don't have to put on an act. People don't understand this but sometimes I reach a point where I MUST go to the bottom of the pit. I NEED to go there. It's horrible but it's genuine, it's real and it's familiar. Nobody can take it away from me.
I broke a luncheon date with my cousin Pat. No one should have to be around me when I'm in this mood. I don't feel I have anything to contribute except extreme sadness and remorse. I don't even know what I'm sad for or sorry about. I just know I'm down near the bottom and can't breathe but I also can't come up for air just yet.
Other things... I know someone called me as a joke a couple days ago but I didn't get it. I wish I had. I know it's Joe and my 26th anniversary. He sent me some beautiful flowers. Thank you Joe. I know Carlos Santana has his first number one hit in 28 years (with Rob Thomas) and it is so SMOOTH. (Can you dig it? I knew that you could.) I know banana coffee tastes like shit. I know I got a precious picture of Dr. Steve holding Ellen way up in the air, the beach at twilight in the background. Thank you Brene. I know the former Cruz Castillo from Santa Barbara now calls himself Roy and has joined Luke Spenser and Sonny Corinthos on General Hospital. Thank you ABC. I know the song Colorblind is haunting and awe inspiring. Thank you Adam Duritz. I know who put the hot potato in the bonkey but I'm not telling. I know that the morning after I've been drinking, I sometimes have a hangover but I never claim to be still drunk. I know I'm rambling on about too many things and better quit. Thanks for reading.
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October 31, 1999 – Sunday – 3:26PM EST
”NEE-WOL-LAH, NEE-WOL-LAH”
Did I ever mention “Picnic” was one of my all time favorite movies (yes, I probably did about a million times.) The scene with Kim Novak and William Holden dancing has too be one of the sexiest scenes ever filmed. Marphones used to say William Holden was way too old for the part. I don’t know, he sure looked good to me.
I trust you all had or are having a nice Halloween. We had a pretty good one. For once, the weather was perfect, 70 degrees, clear. Heather brought Lauren over before going trick or treating in their own neighborhood. Lauren was dressed as a genie, complete with silky harem pants and a bejeweled bottle. After they left, we sat on the front steps, handing out candy. Lots of Scream masks this year, with that horrible elongated face from the painting. I think it's even longer than Celine Dion's face but then I've never seen Celine Dion scream. Best costume had to be our plumber’s dog, a golden retriever. He had red devil horns on either side of his ears and a red cape, too funny. (We didn't mention this to Growlf dog because he was out in the back yard crying to come around front. We're so mean.) Seeing the plumber and his girlfriend together was a bit awkward. His girlfriend is the wife of Joe’s best friend. Oh well. Joe wonders if he should feel guilty because he’s the one who initially recommended the plumber to his friend (back when he was still living happily ever after with his wife.) Hey, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.
Watched “The Blair Witch Hunt” on video last night. I don’t know that it was the scariest movie I’ve ever seen but it was pretty scary. Probably would have been better had we seen it before all the hype, not knowing what to expect.
Did you remember to turn your clock back. We didn’t except for the one on the microwave. Nice having an extra hour but I hate losing daylight. Not that I ever go out in it anyway. Spent the whole day sitting in front of this damn machine. It’s lucky I didn’t throw it out the window. Both Netscape Navigator and Internet Explorer have been acting terribly lately. Half the time they won’t let me on the web at all. The other half, they throw me off right in the middle of something. And I want to work with computers. Why?
I see in the guest book that Jacobina offered to help me put up fences around our trees at Majorsville. I’m glad to hear she’s coming sooner than we think; we're always dying to see her. But as far as the fences go, there probably won’t be any trees left by then.
This is the second weekend we haven’t made it down there. The more I stay away, the more freaked out I get which in turn leads to the more I stay away... What a total fuck-up I’m turning out to be. I had more sense when I was 15 & that’s not saying much since that’s when I got pregnant. Today I read in the newspaper how accupuncture is sometimes used to treat depression. Maybe I should go downstairs and stick safety pins through all my body parts. See if there’s anything too it.
Read this other horrible story... I’m warning you now, if you don’t want to hear it. It was about this 82 year old lady living all alone. And how she just wanted someone to play 500 with. She tries to get repairmen to sit and play cards but they never do. Her husband died 12 years ago and she never learned how to drive so has a hard time going anywhere. She does make it to the senior’s center for bingo once a week (said she couldn’t do without her bingo.) And she has 2 cats but they weren’t around. She kept saying they should be coming back anytime now. Are you sobbing yet? And people wonder why I’m depressed. Ok, I’ve passed it; I’m going on to other subjects.
Let’s discuss this wonderful storehouse of information called the World Wide Web. I started to write this journal entry 4 hours ago. I wanted to quote the lyrics from an old Paul Simon song but wasn’t sure about a couple of words. Should have been an easy enough task find Paul Simon lyrics on the web. Wouldn’t you think Paul Simon is popular enough that he’d have his own web site with lyrics to all his songs on it. NO, he does not. After 4 hours, and a dozen search engines, I found two references to the particular song I was looking for. But guess what. Each of the quotes were different. Anyway, you’re not going to read them here either because I’m pretty sure both of them were wrong. Maybe next time.
One of my all time favorite bands is releasing a new cd, in 2 days... Counting Crows. I’m dying to order it. I can preorder it on Amazon but my computer’s been malfunctioning so much, I’m half afraid to do it. Anyway, I know you’ll be glad when it’s released so I can start quoting their new songs. Okay, maybe you won’t be so glad. Maybe you’ve read enough Counting Crows lyrics to last a lifetime or two. Too bad. Adam Duritz is a genius and he speaks to my soul.
I guess I should get off this machine and interact with some real live human beans. Joe probably thinks I’ve disappeared into cyberspace, I’ve been up here so long. Or maybe he wishes I would disappear into cyberspace, permanently. I don’t know. Have a good one— thanks for reading.
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October 27, 1999 - Wednesday - 12:35PM EDT
Well, I guess I'd better get busy writing in here-- according to my guestbook, my fan (Marilyn) is getting impatient. She already knows most of the nutty grutty but I will fill-in for the rest of you.
Yes, PW & Jean raffled off the family portrait. Apparently Michael Fletcher (Patty Hopper Fletcher's son) won. Personally, I think he should put it on the auction block. With that many Hipper Hoppers hopping around, surely he could get a pretty penny for it. It'd help him pay his rent. (I hear he's moving into his own place. Go Michael.)
Yes, poor little Phoebe-dog needs an operation and they are looking for ways to raise the funds. I suggested they deliver phone books but PW tells me she already tried that. Thinking she could deliver on her street, it turned out these particular phone books were to be delivered in another state or some such silliness. Actually, I've been thinking on this raising money subject a bit. I think they should start their own online auction site, "Hop-E-Bay". They are so crafty, always inventing clever things. Did you know they came up with the original "swisher", that weird looking broom like thing you see advertised on TV? Yes, they did and it was years ago however they never patented it so.... Anyway, Hop-E-Bay could offer all sorts of items to the highest bidder (no more of this raffle shit, girls... you want to make money right?) Some suggestions for items: those cute little wooden refrigerator magnets they paint (I happen to have a bunny that Peg gave me and it's one of my biggest treasures.) Then there are the dioramas they've built... like ships in a bottle or something, only they're personalized. Peg did one of Majorsville that is great. And if they invited the rest of the clan to the site (including our new found Irish cousins as well as the new found Hoppers Patty's been digging up), they'd have a goldmine on their hands. I'm available to design their website of course.
Pat and Chris Jarvis spent last week in their new condo at Kitty Hawk and Pat reports the weather was great, the condo was great, the restaurants were great but Chris thinks the condo ought to offer designated drivers because what about when you want to go out and party and your spouse has night blindness?
I agree, this would be nice and by the by, could be another money-making scheme. Marilyn, Joe and I keep trying to figure out a way we could retire and move to the beach. This might be it guys. We already know Joe is an expert d.d., having had lots and lots and lots of practice with Marilyn and I. He lets you play the stereo REAL LOUD and stops anytime you want for late night/early morning forays into that never-ending quest for the best bacon, eggs and homefries east of the Mississippi. I know he'd enjoy this all the more if he was getting paid-- big bucks-- and got to live by the ocean. Or even better yet, if he were making enough so he could hire a crew and thus never have to do it himself again. The back seats would need to be made of some sort of easily hosed down material in case anyone got sick (& the rules would be non-negotiable: you get sick, you clean it up. And if you get sick more than once, you don't get to ride anymore.) The crew would have to consist of saints and/or people whose hearing is long gone and whose sanity is not far behind. Almost everyone I know fits into one or the other of those categories. You laugh but you know this is an IDEA whose time has COME.
The weekend here was a bust because I spent nearly all of Saturday freaking out and/or crying uncontrollably. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the county, even though half the reason I was freaking out was because I knew those damn beavers were down there turning our woods into grazing land. I see a Beaver left me a little note in my guest book. I might respond to Wally or Eddie Haskel but to the Beaver, that over grown rat, I don't think so. I received the Honeybaked Ham catalog in the mail today. Do you think I could interest them in marketing Honeybaked Beaver?
So anyway, the weekend was all just "Fred, Bub, Dead" as far as I'm concerned. Best we put it out of our teeny tiny minds. Other than the calls to PW/Jean and to Jacobina/Bill. New on the San Antonio front is the fungus amungus that ate Bill's yard. Since he lives in Billy Land, he tried to pretend it was nothing but I had already heard from Jacobina so he didn't fool me. "The baby" (Ellen) is doing wonderful things, turning over, babbling. I'm sure she'll be working toward her Ph.D. in physics by next September. Hollywood Dave wants out of the accounting business and into the production business... go Dave. Marilyn and I have a number of ideas for television shows, if you're ever in need. See, sipping does have it's advantages... you get the best ideas then... One night we wrote a whole commercial campaign for Chevrolet using Stevie Wonder's "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing". It would have sold a lot more than that "like a rock" shit. I can promise you that.
I've spent this week taking care of Lauren. She had a doozie of a stomach virus or something. It's so awful when they're sick and you know they're really sick. They don't do anything but sleep. Aren't even bad or messy. Ended up having to go to the hospital yesterday to have some lab work done. It wasn't a kidney infection thank god (what the doctor was afraid it might be) but we don't really know what it was yet. She went back to school today. I've been sitting by the phone in case they call to send her home. She must be doing okay since it's nearly 2:00. I have to take a shower and pick her up soon; we're going to the library.
I sent out another resume. This time I didn't heard back from them at all. I fear I jinxed myself, writing in here about how I always get offered the job. Not no more. Now no one even wants to talk to me. This position sounded really neat too. Oh well... later or sooner I'll learn to keep my mouth shut (& my fingers off the keyboard.)
I'm reading this book, hate to tell you the title because I know I'll f*ck it up but anyway, I think it's Blind Eye. Marilyn lent it to me. It's a true story about this doctor who happens to be a psychopathic killer. Marilyn's friend used to go to school with this guy and tried to blow the whistle on him. Anyway, the book is VERY DRY reading, sort of like reading a book-length news story, no dialog what-so-ever. But the story itself is so bizarre and horrendous... this guy is killing people, mostly patients, for the fun of it I guess. And the medical community is aware of it but no one wants to admit it-- looks bad you know, when your hospital admits it had a psychopathic killer on staff. Thought I'd pass that along just in case you were feeling safe today.
But seriously, "Happy trails to you until we meet again..." Reminds me of watching Bronco Lane and Cheyenne and Sugar Foot and all those great old shows. Why don't they have a Western Network on cable? I'd watch em. See ya.
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October 19, 1999 - Tuesday - 1:45 PM EDT
Started a new paper journal today so I guess it's time to start anew here also.
We made it to Majorsville Sunday. The leaves of the trees on the hill to the east (behind the house) were spectacular. The hues-- copper, gold, scarlet, brick, lemon, mahoghany, wheat-- took my breath away. Growlf and I hiked through the woods on a leaf gathering mission. I filled 3 food storage bags, hoping to do something clever with them later this week. Right now they're still sitting in the refrigerator. Maybe I'll pick up Lauren tomorrow and she can help me press them in between waxed paper.
The Day brothers finished the lane down there. Looks really great, covered with a blanket of gray gravel. Very neat and functional. They also shored up the spot under the maple tree over by the little creek, where I was afraid the tree will fall over. Used huge concrete bridge supports-- said they came from old Crow Creek. (Yes, I know the Crow Indians didn't massacre the little girls back in 1963 or whenever it was that I heard the story. Give me a break. I was in the third grade or something. No one bothered to mention the massacre happened a few hundred years ago. Will I ever live this down? No, not in my own head I won't.)
Speaking of feeling foolish, I realized something the other day that really freaked me out. I was looking in the mirror at a reflection of the book I was reading. I knew the letters and words would appear backwards but they also looked out of order. I studied that reflection for the longest time trying to figurea out why they appeared that way. Then I looked at the book. I've only been reading and loving it for the past month but do you think I had the title straight in my head. NO. I thought it was This Much I Know is True. Actually, it was I Know This Much is True. Man, that blew me away. I mean, I was so sure it was the other way around. I've been telling people how great the book is, even mentioned it in the last web journal. (Already fixed the mistake so don't bother looking backwards.) The point is I would have bet my life on that being title. Good thing I didn't. Then I worried, "Is this it? Is this the way it starts... the big "S", as in "SENILITY"? Will I wake up tomorrow forgetting how to feed myself?" Suffice to say, I'm not going to be looking in any mirrors anytime soon.
Those damn, damn, damn beavers at Majorsville.... they chewed the lilacs to the ground and are now working on debarking (is that the word I want, I know it's a word but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what I want it to mean.. how about "eating the bark from some") really nice big trees up at the top of the lane. I'm beside myself. "Hello there, hadn't noticed you before." Don't even know if we can save any of them-- the trees that is. The damage is that bad. I did some research on the web trying to figure out how to discourage them (without blowing them up.) The only answer appears to be erecting a four foot fence around each tree that we don't want them to chew on. How are you supposed to do that on 20 acres??? I might have to buy a gun, honest to god. They're driving me CRAZY.
I've successfully avoided my therapist for going on three weeks. I think she may be getting the hint. She sent me a bill today, first one ever. Usually I just pay her the $5 co-payment and never hear any more about it. The bill says I owe her $11.50. I'm pretty certain I only owe $5 but hey, it's worth $11.50 to get her off my back. And anyway, I'm not really crazy or senile, am I? Even if I am, so what. Why should she profit from my craziness? I'm not calling her again and I'm also not calling that other therapist that Gledi recommended. He only recommended her because he has to now that he's practicing with a different group. Am I in denial? Hey, it's not just a river you know.
I wrote up some stuff to put on my home page, explaining why it's so important to me that you sign my guestbook or participate in my book/music survey or email me. I erased it before I got it posted but the jist of it was this: I need the feedback to learn, to know if I'm on the right track or if I've derailed. It's important because it's the interactive part of this site.... the part where other, normal human beings get to voice their opinions, suggestions, etc. It's important so I know someone is out there otherwise, I start to feel like I'm just a fig newton of my imagination (or is it your imagination?) Anyway, if you get a chance, how about it?
Thanks for reading.