Okay, this is the first thing I have ever posted, so be nice…pleeeeease!!! Usual disclaimers, we all know the drill. I realize that this is probably not what anyone else sees from this song, but this scene came to my mind the first time I heard “Hands”, and continues to do so, I’m not sure why. I have only seen ‘Timeless’ once, about 3 years ago, so if I’ve snafued on anything, forgive me....Gillian
by Gillian Leeds
He came across it one beautiful spring day, years after her passing. A yellowing piece of paper, folded neatly, and placed deep inside the binding of his Journal. He looked at it curiously, trying to recall his placing of it there, but nothing came to mind. As he slowly unfolded it, recognition of the handwriting hit his brain. His heart thundered loudly in his chest, and he swallowed slowly, gathering himself. Then he began to read:
Adam,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Possibly it is just a general catharsis for my soul, something you’ll get to read, or perhaps something you won’t. I guess I won’t really know until the time comes.
People often ask me how can I continue to walk through life without the fear and worry of death overtaking me completely. I have no answer; it is not easy. I simply know that, at the beginning, laying down and admitting defeat was something I made a conscious choice not to do. Besides, what use would it have been? Defeat will come soon enough, why let it dominate before its time? I have to be optimistic; I have no other choice, not really. We are each dealt our destiny, complete with its valleys and hills, to shape and mold as best we can. I have to have faith that this is what God wanted for me. That the darkness He has put into my life will make the light seem brighter. I have come to realize that, for me, what we share is that light.
I confess, it was difficult to see at first. I’m not even sure, despite your persistence, that you saw it, not that you would ever admit that now. I think that’s what drew me to you in the first place, your persistence. Or perhaps I saw in you something that I would need one day – strength.
I play this endless game with myself; what would life be like without you? Without you I would continue the fight on my own, but I probably wouldn’t fight quite so hard. Perhaps the end would be simpler. In your haste to show me the world, you have also shown me what I am losing. A week in Paris is not enough, but, for me, it will have to be. We couldn’t afford to linger any longer; there were so many other places out there, and time was ebbing.
Of course, the ending will be the same. Whether death comes here, or there, it will still come. But I am comforted by the thought that after I am gone, someone will remember me, my name, my face. I’d like to think that my voice will not be silenced, that it will continue through you. As long as you keep me somewhere inside you, I am never broken; I will not have lived in vain.
What will you remember when you think of me? When I look back on the past few months, what I recollect most are the spontaneous things. Sydney, my birthday cake that set off the restaurant sprinklers; you teaching me how to dance a reel at a ceilidh in Edinburgh; getting caught in the rain in Hawaii. Or the quiet times, like Athens, when you painted my toenails simply because I wanted them done, but didn’t have the strength to do them myself, or the two of us at New Years, slow dancing in my hospital room in Switzerland, wires, monitors and all. Will you remember these things when I am gone? Will that night in Venice be as special and memorable throughout your long life, as it has been throughout my short one?
Do you think there is an accounting when we die? A day of reckoning for our past sins and kindness’? I have to think that there is, possibly that is the meaning of life. If it is true, then you should have no worries about your destiny. You are the kindest, gentlest person I have ever known. I cannot imagine you having been any different before we met. Should we be judged after death, you will be held in good stead, I am certain. You are in no need of absolution. I only hope that you will have a long life, but that when it is over, I will be there waiting, and pray you will still want me.
I sometimes think this is more difficult for you than it is for me. I look at you, and I see the pain in your eyes, I hear the fear in your voice when you realize the bad days are starting to outnumber the good. I know you would happily fight this battle for me, you have told me so often enough. But you cannot, I have to do this myself. I know that I will lose, but having you here beside me makes it easier. I once heard someone say that dying is the easy part, it’s the living that takes courage. One day soon you’ll need to find that courage. I know it is in there, I have seen it.
I sometimes wish I hadn’t met you. You have brought such joy and happiness to my life, and all I can leave you is grief and loss. Sad repayment indeed. You tell me your life will be poorer without me in it. Adam, I want to be remembered, not mourned. Life is a gift, something I know full well. Spend it rejoicing on the time we had, no matter how brief, rather than dwelling on what we didn’t have. Carry on. Laugh again. Love again. Please, for me. I will be watching you; I will be looking for that laughter, and that love. I am near you, no matter what. Look for me.
I think I will leave this in your Journal, something for you to find at a later date, when I am gone, and you have moved on with your life. I hope you see it as a warm reminder, not an unwelcome intrusion. I do not want my memory to be a burden on your existence.
Adam, I don’t know how to thank you for what you have done for me, what you’ve given me, what you’ve taught me. Words don’t seem enough, but they are all I have. I consider my life to have started the day you walked into it. You have made all my dreams and wishes come true, you have shown me the world. But you have given me something more. Love. Something I never thought possible for me. You have taken me from a life of loneliness and isolation, and given me happiness and contentment. And for that I thank you. You are my strength, my courage, my meaning, and I will love you always,
Alexa
He sat for a moment in silence, staring off into the distance, his clenched jaw betraying him. Then, deliberately, he refolded the paper just as he had found it, placing it tenderly back into its hiding place. Closing the Journal, writing done for today, he laid it on the desk, and moved to the couch.
He fell heavily onto it, grabbing the cushion that lay there, holding it close to his chest. Images ran through his mind, times, places, conversations, all as real and as sharp as if they had happened just yesterday. He stayed lost in his reminiscing for a while before the memories overwhelmed him. At last he allowed the emotion to take control, whispering her name into the emptiness. As the sound died around him, he dropped his face into the cushion, and began to sob