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It was night time, in 1985.
The Kurgan was bored.
Roger sat in the bar. It was the meanest poorest bar he could find, for he had little
money, but required plenty of drink. He looked down at his photograph, the last dying
embers of his brief relationship gone cold. He couldn't honestly tell himself that it wasn't
worth it. But even after his tenth shot, and he was by no means a man of strong
constitution, he still wished he were tough enough to end his pain himself.
That was when he felt the thud of someone sitting down next to him. It was a big thud.
That meant a big someone. Roger turned to face a giant. It was a vision to behold. It
wore long, black hair, and had bits of chainmail and spikes and leather stuck to him in a
mishmash of apparel that blurred in Roger's hazy head.
"Awww, " said the giant in a voice like dump truck full of rocks, "Did she leave you?"
Roger would never have even spoken to someone dressed like this had he been sober. He
certainly wouldn't have confided in the giant. But he needed to talk to someone. What
the hell, Roger thought, I can't get hurt any worse.
"Yeah," Roger shrugged pouring himself another drink, "I loved her. I loved her with
everything I had, why wasn't it enough?" He said, hoping to garner some sympathy from
the other man. The giant nodded sympathetically, and moved his head close to poor
Roger's.
"Love bites," he said, and reached out with his huge jaws and bit off Roger's ear.
Roger noticed, but he didn't quite believe it. Especially since no one else in the bar
seemed to notice. The fact that there WAS no one else in the bar, didn't quite dawn on
him. The Kurgan sat thoughtfully sucking on the ear.
"Let me tell you something, boy. You are a fool." The giant spat out the ear and grinned
a silly grin. "Love is a lie, boy. But you won't be hearing too many lies anymore, now
will you?"
"Um, excuse me..." It was beginning to dawn on Roger that he was missing an ear. "I
think that's my ear..." Roger's slurred speech was all but unintelligible through the drool.
The Kurgan didn't much respond. He took Roger's shot and poured it over the wound on
the man's head. Then as if loath to was good liquor, he began to lick it up. The sting of
alcohol made it to Roger's head. As did the roughness of the Kurgan's sandpaper tongue.
Roger screamed. The Kurgan chuckled behind his tongue. The boy's last thought was
that at least he didn't have to live with himself anymore.
The giant strode out of the burning bar away from the corpses. He was still bored.
---
Trisha spat her bubble gum into the trash. It was out of flavour. Making sure the boss
didn't see her, she sneaked another pack from across the checkout counter. Hmmm, she
thought to herself. I don't like Barbie's flavour, but it will do. Trisha hated the job. The
kids had been screaming around Toys R' Us for hours and hours and hour and hours.
This late in the year, mother after mother fought each other for the most ridiculous toys.
Little shits, thought Trisha, who'd spend money on them? She was about to grab a few
more pieces of bubble gum, but a massive hand had already taken them. The hand wore a
fingerless glove covered with chainmail. The thick fingers shoved piece after piece of
bubble gum in his mouth.
"Hey mister, whaddya think you're doing?!" yelled Trisha.
The man attached to the hand unconcernedly continued to shove bubble gum into his
mouth. Piece after piece went into the huge maw. Trisha could really do nothing but
gape. She had never seen anyone put so much bubble gum into his mouth before!
Finally she got some sense back and spoke up.
"Listen buddy, you're gonna have to pay for that!"
The mega punk, or so Trisha had decided to name him, pulled the huge wad of gum from
his mouth and plastered it into a big gooey pink pancake on Trisha's face. She tried to
scream but there was SO much gum it muffled her. Sighing, the Kurgan held her wrists
until she asphyxiated. No, this was not entertaining yet. He didn't feel good at all. When
the girls struggles ceased, he looked to the aisles.
"Mmm, toys," he said. He then strode up to the wall of Star Wars action figures where
mothers were busy plucking them as if they were fruit. The Kurgan smiled and grabbed
the last bunch in his massive arms and sat down. He then studied them carefully making
thoughtful "hmmm" sounds.
Mrs. Jeanine Smith stared and fumed. She had fought her way past all the other mothers
to find Luke Skywalker. Well daam if she was going to let this madman take her prize
away from her!
"Excuse me sir, I have waited her for quite a while, and my Benny would very much like
one of those, so if you don't mind...!"
The obviously rude, ugly man looked up and smiled.
"This one?" he asked.
"Yes."
The man nodded and proceeded to tear off the plastic package. He then shoved Luke
Skywalker's tiny plastic head into his mouth and crunched it off like a stick of celery. He
giggled. The parents standing around gaped in shock. This seven foot tall criminal had
just desecrated their holy grail! He didn't stop there, however. He proceeded to bite off
all heads in good order. Princess Leia's hair, Darth Vader's helmet, he crunched them up
merrily, and made loud smacking noise. The man paused for a minute, realizing his
mouth was full of plastic, and that he could not swallow it. Then, as if coming to a
solution, he smiled and spat little bits of drooly coloured plastic into everyone's hair.
"May the Force be with You!" he jeered, his voice like the chewing of Grape Nuts (tm).
Well, the parents would hardly stand for such sacrilege and immediately the Kurgan was
covered with screaming women clutching for figures and beating him with purses. Now
this was funny, if not outright amusing, thought the Kurgan. Inside that mob of
screaming ladies he grabbed each one, gave her a big kiss on the lips, and then ran off, his
arms full of action figures. The mob followed him screaming and growling with the
Kurgan munching and crunching away on the little figurines.
"I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid!" sang the Kurgan merrily as the angry mob
rushed after him. It was at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles section he chose to make
his last stand. He grabbed a short plastic sword and swung it as if it were a weapon of
kings. As the mob surrounded him, he bopped each one on the head hard enough for a
concussion. The Kurgan frowned. This wasn't that funny. These people were getting
boring. Feeling it was time to leave, the Kurgan casually impaled each and every one of
them on the plastic blade with his sheer strength. The sword buckled on the 23rd
shopper, and the Kurgan stormed out of the place, chewing plastic and grumbling about
cheap merchandise.
He was still not amused.
---
Bertha was tired after the long day. It had been a rough day in the geriatric ward. She
really did enjoy being with the elderly, for they were quiet company, and as company
goes, undemanding. The ward was empty now, the old and infirm having gone to bed.
Bertha contented herself with preparing medications and vitamins for the next day. She
squinted at a label. She wondered if it was her middle-aged eyes that were giving her
trouble. Then she realised something was blocking her light. She look up to see it.
"Hello, pretty," the something said.
Bertha didn't even scream. She just dropped the bottle and ran for the security phone.
Unfortunately for her, the thing ripped the intercom off the wall and threw it away.
"What's the matter?" the thing asked, "You don't like talking to the elderly? I'm elderly!"
Bertha didn't know what it was talking about, but she wasn't going to hang around and
ask. She ran toward the door, if one step can be called running. The Kurgan had a firm
grip around her.
"You know, I always liked the nurses outfit," the thing said to Bertha as she screamed.
"What, you don't like them? Let me fix that," said the Kurgan in his crusty oatmeal
voice, and with that he tore the entire uniform from Bertha with a single motion.
"Let go of me! No!' screamed Bertha sobbing. The Kurgan picked her up bodily and
waved her in front of the mirror like a doll.
"Do a little dance, sing a little song...!" chanted Kurgan. He loved singing, he really did.
"Let me ask you something Bertha. When you make love, do you look in the mirror? Do
you? My you look fine!" The ancient villain laughed when he saw Bertha refuse to look
at herself. The bitch probably never even saw herself naked! He was having fun when
Bertha's hand came up with a syringe flailing at him. He frowned a minute, and grabbed
it from her, snapping the frail wrist. The Kurgan stared at the syringe in mock horror.
"Oh no! Oh no!" he cried like a baby raised on nothing but buttermilk, "Get it away!
Auugh!" With that, the Kurgan brought his face inches from Bertha's and jabbed it into
his own eye.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" the Kurgan squealed with girlish
noise until he could no longer mimic and fell completely into a guffaw. Bertha fainted
with that.
The Kurgan was disappointed. He yanked the syringe from his eye, feeling the tiny hole
close and looked into the mirror pouting. Nothing seemed to cheer him up. He fingered
the scar at his throat. That made him pout even more. He had been unable to find
MacLeod for months now. And the scar....so menacing, yet so plain. Then his gaze fell
to the geriatric diapers, and the safety pins that held him on. The Kurgan chuckled in the
back of his throat. He couldn't seem to hold it back, the chuckle broke into a huge grin,
and then uproarious laughter. Taking the first pin he ran it through his scar and closed it.
Then he turned his gaze to the mirror.
"Baby, you look beautiful!"
Not long after, the Kurgan strode from the hospital. He was happy he had accomplished
something. Tomorrow, he would find the young MacLeod, and claim his Prize.
---
Sigh...too bad I had to use such a beautiful song. But I could let this story become fatally
depressing. Would have killed someone.
"Love Bites" by Def Leppard.
If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites
When you make love, do you look in the mirror?
Who do you think of, does he look like me?
Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?
Oooh babe
When you're alone, do you let go?
Are you wild 'n' willin' or is it just for show?
Ooh c'mon
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
Cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No
Love bites, love bleeds
It's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives, love dies
It's no surprise
Love begs, love pleads
It's what I need
When I'm with you, are you somewhere else?
Am I gettin' through or do you please yourself?
When you wake up, will you walk out?
It can't be love if you throw it about
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
Love bites, love bleeds
It's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives, love dies
It's no surprise
Love begs, love pleads
It's what I need
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No
Love bites, love bleeds
It's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives, love dies
Love bites, love bleeds
It's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives, love dies
It's no surprise
Love begs, love pleads
It's what I need
If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites
(Yes it does, bloody hell)
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