Disclaimer: Ok Ok..this was last minute...and quite sugar induced. I have a box of cookies and a box of Kit Katz next to me at this moment. I apologize for the dorky language I use, and If I insulted anyone..you have rights to hurt me. Please forgive my lack of judgement in this one on the proper treatment of Methos. I had writer's block I apologize. I don't own any of these characters..and well I wouldn't' want to deal with owning any of them. They tend to get cranky and beg for food when you leave them out in the cold for days. Thank you pixie for the song.
How Sane Are You Today?
by siva
"Please Mac...please. Look at all the things I've done for you." sighed Amanda.
"Like what? All the times I've gotten YOU out of trouble. All the times I bailed you out after you were caught stealing...Amanda I won't pay..I WON'T PAY..nooo wayyyy. Comon Amanda why don't you just get a job." hinted the exasperated Macleod.
"A job are you kidding me? I haven't had a job in at least 10 years and even then it was with the circus. Mac all I need is a little money just to go visit a friend."
"What kind of friend Amanda....your kind of friend tend to get you and eventually me into trouble."
"Just an old buddy, don't worry Mac" she says as she slowly walks toward him, "And I'll be back so you won't have to miss me for long...."
"Miss you..yeah...right," Duncan smiles slyly as she makes her way closer and closer to him.
"That's right Duncan..you always miss me," and with that she placed a tiny kiss on his nose.
"Ahem..." coughed Methos from the couch," really this has been entertaining you two, but at some point I know you'll want me out of here so it might as well be now." Methos entered the elevator and shook his head as he looked at the couple that was totally ignoring him. They hadn't even heard him get up to leave.
He went out into the street and took the long way home. He liked walking..somewhat...it helped him clear his thoughts and meditate a little. While walking he kept his head down...picking out the cracks in the sidewalk, not paying much attention to the path he was taking. He soon came to the end of the street and looked up to turn. Out of no where a short dude rammed into his legs and he fell flat on his ass. The short dude stopped and kept looking behind him. This man was about three feet in height wearing a snazzy suit coat and top hat. Methos glared at him from the ground and coughed to get his attention. The midget glanced down and grunted "Mind your manners old man." and began to run down the sidewalk, before Methos could get up and grab him.
After he got himself up and off the ground, he brushed off his coat and headed for his flat. When he got to his house he saw the little person sitting in front of his stoop. He cocked his head sideways and looked closer. There was are red ball in his hands and he shot it at Methos as hard as possible. Again he was knocked hard on his rear. Only this time the little man came up to him and poked him in the eye. Methos groaned and grabbed for the little sucker, but he caught nothing but air. He cracked open his good eye and looked for the midget but he had totally disappeared. All that was left was the tiny ball.
He eventually lifted himself up and walked upstairs to his flat and collapsed on the couch. And began to evaluate the events of the day. So far he had encountered a little midget twice and had gotten injured both times. Methos shook his head and moaned. He was trying to understand what could be causing these very painful and very realistic hallucinations. He slapped himself several times, but he could still see the ball he had brought in from outside laying next to him on the couch. He decided thinking wasn't important at this point in time because most likely an elf would run up from behind him and smack him on the head. He sat up and looked about the room and decided to find himself something hard to drink. Then perhaps he could scare disillusions away with a drunken stupor.
He wandered over to the kitchen warily hoping to avoid getting hit somehow by something out of no where. Opening the cabinet he swiped his hand inside to find his secret stash of spirits..but instead he grabbed a hand...and an arm...and a body. He peered into the cupboard and found the midget,who smacked him upside the head and tumbled out onto the floor. The little man righted himself as Methos glared down at him.
"How dare you wake me up "Mr. I'm so old I know everything". I was sleeping perfectly fine on the canned soup and slap happy on your liqueur ....which is very fine I might add.....why on earth would you end my blissful rest." The little man put his arms to his sides accusingly.
"What the .....who are you?" Methos looked bent down and shook the man, "What are you doing to me you short little runt?"
The man looked at Methos with his head tilted to the left and then did the unthinkable, the horrendous....what all men fear. He punched him in the crotch and shouted , I AM AHRIMAN AND I AM NOT SHORT, OLD FART!!!"
Poor Methos keeled over on the floor and moaned, while the munchkin sat himself on the kitchen table and watched him curl up in a tiny ball. After Methos had regained his breath and sat knees brought in on the floor, he glared at the man and said, "You can't be Ahriman. He's the strongest evil out there, and all you are is a tiny mean bastard."
"Everyone underestimates me. You're just like my uncle. Satan never understood that I was better than him, and now look at where he is. Stuck in the burning fires of hell WORKING FOR ME."
Methos rose from the floor and hissed, "If you're so damn god almighty awesome why in hell are you sleeping in my CUPBOARD?"
Little Ahriman leaned in close to Methos's ear and then shouted, " BECAUSE YOU"RE WEAK OLD MAN WEAK!"
Methos grabbed little Ahriman's arms and dragged him to the door, but before he could kick him out the little dude kicked him in the shins and doubled back into the house. Methos sighed as he watched him disappear into the bedroom and lock the door.
"Macleod why do you pass your problems to me...WHY?" Methos thought about calling Macleod, but by now Amanda and him were probably too distracted to hear the phone ring. "Joe..what about Joe...he could help me. He's dealt with the little s--- before...damn I can't do that to him." Methos sank to the floor and sighed. What was he going to do? Somehow even with his larger stature and larger muscles, the man kept getting away. Methos hated losing, especially when it proved just how weak he was. He could hear Ahriman bouncing the damn ball against his wall over and over again, while singing "It's A Small World" at the top of his lungs. How does one get the personification of evil out of one's house? He could start singing church songs and spray holy water everywhere, but Methos had been away from the catholic religion to long to want to go back. He could leave, but he wasn't sure he wanted to leave the house with the munchkin in charge and all his stuff was here...his cool stuff like journals and things. He couldn't just leave those without regretting it sometime later.
After sitting in the hallway for about a half hour, he noticed that the pounding and singing had stopped. He quietly rose and went towards his room. The door was unlocked and he went to touch the handle to open it, but was taken back when it burned him. He kicked to door down to find it covered in flames with no chance of being put out. Methos grabbed what he could and ran out of the flat.......
______________________________________________________________________________
Now in Duncan's place Methos ends his story....
"That's what happened I swear to you...I would have called, but I knew you were busy."
Amanda sighed and patted Methos's shoulder, "It's ok to pretend Methos it's ok....I believe the little midget burned down your house...I believe the little midget over took you and knocked you to the ground..seeing as anyone could do that..."
"Amanda! that's not fair! I"m telling the truth. What do you think, I purposely burned the house down? Is that it? Why don't you believe me? Everyone believed Macleod when he had to beat Ahriman, why does no one listen to the old one....do you think I've lost my marbles or something?"
"Shhh Methos it's ok..calm down...," Amanda distracted Methos as Duncan called the sanitarium......
"It's a Small World" danced through Methos's head and he began to laugh...and rock back and forth..."no one believes me....no one......"
*wavy lines pass over the scene...Methos awakes.......*
"Sigh it was only a dream," said a sleepy Methos....who was in a strait jacket....
Song Title: Why Don't You Get A Job
Artist: The Offspring
Album(s): Americana Lyrics:
My friend's got a girlfriend
Man he hates that bitch
He tells me every day
He says "man I really gotta lose my chick
In the worst kind of way"
She sits on her ass
He works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say
CHORUS
I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
Why don't you get a job
Say no way, say no way, no way
Why don't you get a job
I guess all his money, well it isn't enough
To keep her bill collectors at bay
I guess all his money, well it isn't enough
Cause that girl's got expensive taste
I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
Why don't you get a job
Say no way, say no way, no way
Why don't you get a job
Well I guess it ain't easy doing nothing at all
But hey man free rides just don't come along
every day
Let me tell you about my other friend now
My friend's got a boyfriend, man she hates that dick
She tells me every day
He wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say (Repeat Chorus)
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