Amanda held the unopened letter in her hand, a tiny smiled played across her lovely mouth, and her eyes were far away. Duncan watched her with interest. Whenever she was in residence with him, for more than a few days, she would have all her mail forwarded to wherever he was living, but he never saw her react this way. She was far too calm, for the Amanda he knew.

"An old lover....... " he teased gently. The handwritting on the envelope, looked carefully scripted, and definately feminine.

She smiled up at him. "No! A very old friend...... I haven't seen her in years, but we still keep in touch...... I haven't seen her for almost twenty years." She curled up in the big chair, closest to the fire, and slowly opened the envelope. The front of the card made her gasp in surprise. Iit depicted a child running down the beach, and the surf crashing on the rocks, to evolve upward into two white horses, rearing up in mock combat. The child might have been her Godson, nearly thirty years ago.

She opened the card, and the tissue thin paper, fell into her lap, forgotten for the moment, as her eyes took in the words printed inside....... MAY THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE ALWAYS PLAY IN YOUR HEART!................. It always amazed her , how Melissa could always find the most perfect cards. She had elevated it to a fine art form.

Letting the card lay on her lap, she picked up the letter, and began to read..........

Dearest......It seems as if this millenium thing has caused an inharmonic divergence with me...... Is it just because I'm getting old, or because I'm losing hold of time?! Well these days seem strange somehow!

It seems that I looked up just the other day, and the sixties were gone........ It's all changed so fast, and the idea of an artistic community is so totally passe......... Everybody's moving out, and we're staying on in this absurdity. I hate to admit that the only constancies in my life, are Grant, and you.

My work is going well, the old hippy survives, even if all the rats are deserting the proverbial ship. Even tho, I long for the way that it used to be here, I find myself thriving in this solitude.

Even Camelot fell to the rigours of time, so how could I think that my puny efforts could last forever?! I can't even blame it on a Lance and Guienevere! There wasn't even a Mordred to blast apart the fragile thread that held it together this long....... Only the long march of days..... Where everything, and *nothing* changed.

And *you* , the unchanging....... How I wish you were here, so that I could throw myself in your arms, and sob out my frustrations, as I did so many years ago! Could you save me now.......... as you did so many years ago...... Or am I a lost cause...... A dinosaur trying to fit into the new century?!

A lost cause, that just hasn't tumbled to it yet?! I wish you were here!....... There! After all these years, I finally put it into words...... I don't think that you will come......... You never have......... I won't ask again..... It took me twenty years to bend this mule proud neck to ask it now..... and I won't risk my heart to ask twice in one century.

I for one, should know full well, that you can't build your life around a dream........... Well it's too late! I am just another sad old fool, living my life in the past, remembering better days, and younger loves.......... but I suppose that this is the kindness that age brings us...... I still see you as you were thirty years ago...... As you were the last time I saw you, unchanging......... forever young, ........ and that brings me peace of mind!

Well, I'm so far away, and I'm trying to see you through the eyes of sanity, but I can't help but feel I may be loosing you, as each day, I lose a bit more of myself.......... Should I let you go for you own sake, or....... should I hold you close for mine? The age old dilemma! Trying to grow old gracefully, to let loose, and let the past be the past.

Anyway.......... I love you!

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Amanda was sobbing by the time she finished those eloquent words. But her mind was made up. It might be the worst mistake that she had ever made, but she needed to see Melissa, just as much as Melissa needed her.

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She stood on the cliffs, overlooking that cove, watching the woman walk the beach. Still reed slim, and graceful. Amanda felt the doubt rise in her breast, and knew that there was still time to change her mind, but as she watched, Melissa began to run, then pirrouette into the surf, raising her arms in joyous celebration, of just being.

Like some mythological sea nymph, she met the crashing surf, head on, forging into deeper water. Amanda's breath caught in her throat, finding the woman just as enchanting as the child had been. Her feet remembered the way down to the beach, a journey that she had made so many times in the past. She took to the water, several hundred yards from the stone outcropping that Melissa had perched on.

With sure steady strokes, she swam up from behind, gathering the other woman in her arms, and keeping her from turning for those few precious moments..... giving her time to try to explain. "No! don't look at me yet...." she breathed in the other's ear. "Oh! My Sweet Gypsy! It's been too long...... I wish that it didn't have to be this way!"

Melissa's laughter bubbled up in her chest, and relaxed back into Amanda's arms. "You came!" Her laughter was triumphant, yet hesitant. For this magical moment, words were irrelevant, and each of them drew comfort from the nearness.

Amanda drew her into a more comfortable posistion in her arms, her lips just inches away from her ear. "Long, long ago......."she began.

"In a galaxy, far, far away!"

Amanda threw her head back, roaring with laughter. She had truly forgotten just how irreverant that this child could be. Her hand covered that quick mouth, only to feel teeth gently nipping at the sensitive flesh, and a shiver ran up her spine. "Brat!" She proclaimed, grabbing that terrible tongue, and keeping it prisoner.

She began again, her smile broad, as Melissa tried to free her tongue. "You called me unchanging......" she whispered in that delightful ear. "And you were more right than you could ever know! I do not change, for I do not die!!" Slowly, she turned Melissa to face her, and saw the astonishment in the other woman's eyes.

Melissa felt the world rock around her, then stand still, as she beheld that beloved face. Gentle fingers traced the familiar plains, in awe. Suddenly, her hands flew to her face, and she sobbed. Amanda pulled her close, whispered endearments thrown out, but never reaching their mark. "I'm sorry love," she murmurred. "I can not be less than what I am! No matter how I might wish it!"

After long moments, the muffled words , reached her ears. "Shit! What a time not to be wearing my make up.....*or* my eighteen hour bra!"

Amanda was laughing, as she claimed those lips. Breathlessly, she raised her head. "You are just as beautiful to me in this moment, as you were, thirty years ago, love!"


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They walked the grounds of the compound, arm in arm. Intimacy had been forged years past, and they were comfortable with each other, only as old friends can be. It was almost sad, to see the empty cabins, yet, it was still home. Still a refuge from the outside world.

"You should turn this place into a bed and breakfast! You could make a mint!" Amanda told her, seeing the possibilities.

She laughed, "Oh! Christ! ...... Could you see me putting up with *people*?........ It's not that I'm unsociable..... I just can't stand people!" They enjoyed the joke, entering melissa's home.

Very little had changed in the twenty years since Amanda had helped her set up this place. Newer pictures of Grant, and his family, but everything was still in the same places that they had been in, and Amanda stepped back into Melissa's life with little fuss or bother.

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They fell into the old routine, of Amanda helping her chop vegetables, but Melissa cooking, just to keep them out of the hospital, from having their stomachs pumped. They ate that night, in front of the big fireplace, talking a mile a minute, catching up on the past twenty years, face to face.

Melissa was an expert by this time, at masking the pain. Hoping against hope, that Amanda would come for a visit, she had no plan to tell her the reason for the real need for this visit, and learning what she had, still there weren't enough wild horses in the world, to make her divulge the truth.

They made love until nearly dawn. sweet, gentle, soothing love..... and, finally at peace, Melissa rose up, gently sliding Amanda's head off of her arm, and onto a pillow. The sunrise was imminent, as she stepped out naked as the day she was born. There was a way, and then,.... there was a *way*.

She swam slowly out to her favorite rock, sitting there for what seemed like hours. Her voice broke out in a wordless song, still, even in the final moments, celebrating life. The tide was coming in, and waiting until that final moment, as the sea encroached upon her perch, without a battle, she let it claim her.

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Duncan flew out to be with her. Her tearful call, had caught him by surprise. Amanda the strong..... Amanda the crazy............. Amanda the selfish...... But here was an Amanda that he was sorry he didn't know. Her loss had rendered her more human, more vulnerable. Who'd have thought. But a billion years isn't what it appears to be.................

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THE LYRICS FOR THIS STORY WERE PROVIDED BY MERRIE GAIL


anyway, i love you
sweet gypsy, blowing through my mind
and through my heart, so full and empty
well, these days seem strange somehow
a billion years isn't what it appears to be
now you can tell me that you're losing hold of time
you can't seem to find your peace of mind
well, i'm so far away, and i'm trying to see you through
i can't help but feel i may be losing you.
should i let you go
for your own sake?
should i hold you close
for mine?

anyway, i love you, and i couldn't be more sure
these tears cry out"please, don't let go",
oh, but their words
they keep haunting me
you can't build your life around a dream
well, it's too late
now, my world is you
there's nothing they could say or do

well, i remember the first time that i fell
i swear i never thought i'd make it up again
i've been flying on the wings of your love
and i'm not getting down, just to fall again
don't it seem like the road is, oh, so long?
well, everybody's moving out
and we're staying on
in this absurdity
now you don't let go of me, i'm begging you
now you don't let go of me
anyway, i love you


amy ray...circa 1985




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