Top Ten Reasons It's Better to be Stupid
10. Nobody cares if you act stupid.
9. You can hold a firm belief in something like the existence of "space-cats" and nobody holds it against you.
8. The ability to inhale eggs through your nose is very popular at parties.
7. You can (apparently) easily become the President of the United States.
6. Lucky Charms. For you they really are magically delicious.
5. You already know the answer to the question: "What are you, stupid?"
4. You are now categorized. i.e.: Trekkies, Goths, Hackers, stupid people, etc.
3. You can talk to animals. At least you think you can.
2. It's like being in grade 8 for your whole life.
1. Breaking stuff. It never gets old.

10 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you are in chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
9. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

50 ways to get rid of a blind date:
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

Tranlations of Male Phrases (Unfortunatelly, Most of Them are True):
"I'M GOING FISHING":
Translation: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH, SURE HONEY, OR YES DEAR"
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translation: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND"
Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"
"THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR"
Translation: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translation: "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,.... but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES"
Translation: "The girl selling them was a real babe"
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL"
Translation: " I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translation: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translation: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU"
Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Translation: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Things Not to Say to a Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Answering Machine Messages I Would Love
1. The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
2. Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
3. Hi, this is YOUR NAME's refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that YOUR NAME receives it promptly.
4. This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.
5. Hi, now you say something.
6. This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again. Jeez!
7. YOUR NAME's palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself.

Top NFL Ref. Complaints:

1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
2. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
3. With Reggie White retired (not anymore), the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
4. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to CLEVELAND!!!
5. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
6. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
7. Official rule books not made in Braille.
8. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

How to confuse, worry, or just scare the crap out of the people in the computer lab:

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
4. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
5. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."
6. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, "Oops, I forgot."
7. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
8. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
9. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
10. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!" and then calmly sit down and begin to type.

TIMES WHEN THE “F” WORD WAS APPROPRIATE:
“What the fuck was that?”--Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” - General Custer
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” - Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” - Pablo Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” — Pythagoras
“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” – Michelangelo
“I don’t suppose it’s going to fucking rain? – Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass!” – Noah
“I need this fucking parade like I need a hole in the head.” – JFK
“Who the fuck is going to know?” – Bill Clinton
“What the fuck is burning?” - Marzee Editor of the Daily Recipe

Pick Up Lines
(motion the person towards you) then say "hey, do u always cum when i finger you?"
Hunny do you wanna suck it before the volcano explodes?
Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.
Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw you.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.
You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.
You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!
This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.
They say the best things in life are free.... they lied (but I do accept American Express)
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
My shirt's chaffing me.....
Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!
So, do you want to see something really swell?
Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.
The only place I want to go is south of the border.
The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
(offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
Are those real?
I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
(motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
Smile if you want to have sex with me!
Support cannibalism: eat me!
You're so good-looking, my eyes are e-mailing my heart!
You...car...now!
When you put bread in your pocket does it come out toast? Cause damn, baby, you're hot!
I was just wondering if you needed anything adjusted. I was just going to masturbate, and i needed a name to fit the face.
has anyone ever told you your eyes sparkle more than all the stars in the universe put together?
From my experience as a carpetmaker, i can tell that you would be a great shag.
Was your dad an auto mechanic? Because he sure did set your cylinder where my piston wants to be.
Do you eat lots of Lucky Charms? Because you look magically delicious.
If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
If I had you, I wouldn't have to dream anymore.
You've been a bad girl. Go to my room.
I put a drop of tear in the ocean for you... and I'll stop loving you when you find that teardrop.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
Baby, you make me want to be reincarnated as Spandex.
Your clothes are irritating me, will you please remove them?
The essence of your being has affected my ability to think of a good pick up line.
I can read palms. (write phone # on their hand) Oooh -- it says you're gonna call me soon! You'll be safe here in my cleavage.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room over there.
Guy: I have a magic watch that tells me you aren't wearing any panties.
Girl: But I am wearing panties.
Guy: Oh -- it must be an hour fast.
You better not go walking in the rain -- sugar melts, you know.

Actual State Laws

• Alabama:
  It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• California:
  Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• Connecticut:
  1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
  2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
• Florida:
  1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
  2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
  3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
  4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
  5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Illinois:
  It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

When You Can Tell You Need A New Lawyer

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

The World's Shortest Books
34. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
33. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
32. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
31. FLYING AT NIGHT by JFK, JR.
30. ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines
29. DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono
28. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
27. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
26. STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson
24. THE CATHOLIC GUIDE TO GREAT SEX
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest book....
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

Airline Humor

• Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
• Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
• "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
• "Last one off the plane must clean it."
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
• "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
• Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
• "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
• "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as everything has shifted."
• From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
• Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

Nice Sayings

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• You! Off my planet!
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will try alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

You know you're from Wilkes-Barre when...

• a Friday night consists of the Mall and McDonalds (and lighting stuff on fire while there)
• a exciting Friday night consists of the Steamtown Mall (hicks from wilkes-barre :) and McDonalds
• for a change of pace on a Friday night, you go to Burger King (and/or Pizza Hut)
• you know the best place to buy cigarettes when you're under 18 is the Texaco Station with the old guy who talks a lot
• one of the most important facts about a person is if he/she goes to Coughlin, GAR, Meyers, or Hoban
• potholes are a part of life
• Miami is a club- not a city in Florida
• you know that the Square is actually a Circle
• when going on a road trip, you opt for Martz over Greyhound
• Boscov's is considered a special treat
• you cruise the Ave for entertainment
• you've been to the Arena
• when you need to buy clothes, the Wyoming Valley Mall is the only place to go
• you know never to go into the McDonalds on the Square (they find shit by the soda machine when they open in the morning... EW EW EW!)
• you know Knobel's is the best amusement park in the world
• the Poconos is the only place for outlet shopping
• you've been to Metropolis
• snow days have a special place in your heart
• you know what Orloski's is
• you've spent many hours at Rodano's after school
• Wegman's is much much more than just a twenty four hour grocery store (especially at 3 am!)
• you know Wal Mart has those cool blood pressure machines
• the mayor actually gives the girl's basketball team from Hoban a parade when they LOSE
• mall rats take on a whole new meaning
• you graduated from high school (or will graduate) at the Kirby Center
• Interstate 81 is the only one that matters
• the only places in Scranton you know are the Steamtown Mall and Tink's
• school closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every section of the area has its own school district.
• you know now that Yuengling is pronounced "Ying-ling," and believe that it really is a premium beer.
• know that Wilkes-Barre is pronounced "Wilks Berry."
• you can pronounce "Knoebels."
• you can pronounce (or spell) "Schuylkill."
• you have been to 5 (or more) bazaars in one summer
• you know what halupki, halushki, or kielbasi are
• you know that Park Ave is actually in the heart of the crack neighborhood (ha ha)
• you know where at least 5 catholic churches are
• you know what a Turkey Hill is
• you can't believe people dont have Long John Silvers (really!!)
• the six main food groups are McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Long John Silver's, and Kentucky Fried Chicken
• you know someone who works and/or has worked in each of these places
• you know never, EVER to go to Arby's in Kingston
• you also know never, EVER to swim in the Susquehanna River
• You get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow
• the only place to watch fireworks on the Fourth of July is Kirby Park
• you went to Skate Away when you were younger (or still do :)
• you know each area of the city has a special name: i.e. Parsons, Downtown, the Heights, South Wilkes-Barre, North End
• you've been to a Red Barons baseball game
• you miss Insalacos
• you've played in the park at 11 pm (and know which park has the big red turtle)
• Denny's is the only place open to eat after 1 am
• your big school trips were either to Philly, New York, or DC
• you've also been to Frances Slocum
• you can't imagine living in an area without mountains
• you know people who go to Wilkes and Kings
• you know what the Tubs are
• you know the best way to get through to Plains is through the coal fields
• you've gone drinking at either place
• you know who Joanne Curley is
• you know that Noxen is the town of incest
• garage sales are the bomb
• funnel cakes and potato pancakes are part of your summer diet
• Dallas is not in Texas
• The only radio stations to listen to are KRZ, Hot 97 (well, 97BHT) and The Bear

Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Things Not To Say Or Do At A Job Interview ......

• Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
• Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
• Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
• When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, "You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?", and run out of the room.
• Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
• Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
• See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
• Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
• Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
• After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
• Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
• Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes'
• Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
• Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
• Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
  
• Although parking is free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Things To Ponder ......

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
• Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
• You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it...
• The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!
• A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad.

LITTLE AXIOMS OF LIFE ......

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

• His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
• The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
• The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
• The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
• The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
• His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
• His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
• The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
• The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
• The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
• The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
• the bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
• His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
• The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
• An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
• The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
• A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
• His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
• And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher 7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes

State Mottos ......

1. Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
   
2. Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
   
3. Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
   
4. California : As Seen on TV
   
5. Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
   
6. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
   
7. Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
   
8. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
   
9. Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
   
10. Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
    
11. Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
    
12. Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
    
13. Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    
14. Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    
15. Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
    
16. Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    
17. Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
    
18. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    
19. Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
    
20. Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
    
21. Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
    
22. Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
    
23. Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
    
24. Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
    
25. Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else (oh yeah!)
    
26. Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
    
27. Nevada: Whores and Poker!
    
28. New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
    
29. NEW JERSEY: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
    
30. New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    
31. New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
    
32. North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
    
33. North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
    
34. Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
    
35. Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
    
36. Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
    
37. Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
    
38. Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
    
39. South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
    
40. South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
    
41. Tennessee: The Educashun State
    
42. Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
    
43. Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    
44. Vermont: Yep
    
45. Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
    
46. Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
    
47. Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
    
48. West Virginia : One Big Happy Family-Really!
    
49. Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
    
50. Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'INBOX'.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Hum when you ride an elevator.

Chinese Fortune Cookies We'll NEVER See
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls should not be able to walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but NEXT to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Underqualified ......

• Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
  
• Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
  
• His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
  
• Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
  
• Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
  
• Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
  
• At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
  
• Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
  
• Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
  ..and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
  
• On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.