A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bill says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bill says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Clinton is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Did you know?
When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the
right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copyright before the copyright can be right.
Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetic industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.
"Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious." Or "Gillette, because 4,000 bald squirrels can't be wrong."
-- Vernon Chapman
While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane
shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the
passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to his or her back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those
parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine
exploded. "We're going to get help."
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her own home and a strange woman answers.
WIFE: "Who is this?"
MAID: "This is the maid."
WIFE: "We don't have a maid."
MAID: "I was hired this morning by the man of the house."
WIFE: "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
MAID: "He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
WIFE: "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
MAID: "What will I have to do?"
WIFE: "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the bitch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and then gunshots, then more footsteps.
MAID: "What do I do with the bodies?"
WIFE: "Throw them in the swimming pool."
MAID: "But there's no pool here."
A long pause, and then:
WIFE: "Is this 832-4821?"
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"
"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Enemy of State
The phone rings at KGB headquaters. They answer: "Hello?"
"Hello, Is this the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?'
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Y. Rabinotov as an enemy of the state. He is hiding diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinotov's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinotov and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinotov's house. He answers, "Hello."
"Hello Rabinotov! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?'
"Yes they did."
"O.K., now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says 'I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.'
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, 'If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.'
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to out do him, so he pipes in, 'I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.'
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, 'I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.'
A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here, don't you see the sign? It says no dogs allowed."
The guy says, "But my dog isn't like other dogs, he can can talk."
The bartender says, "Oh yeah, well prove it, and I'll let you and the dog stay."
The guy says, "Ok, watch this." He bends down to his dog and says, "Hey Rover, what is over our heads?"
The dog says "RRRRooooFFFF."
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Get out of here."
The guy says, "No wait, watch this. Rover, who is the greatest baseball player in the world?" The dog says, "RRRRuuuuFFFF."
The bartender says, "You've got to be kidding me," and kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar. The guy and his dog leave the bar and start walking down the street when the dog looks up at his owner and says, "Gee, I blew it, maybe I should have said DiMaggio."
A guy goes into a bar and sits down and orders. He takes a 12" man out of his pocket, and the little man starts to play a little piano just his size.
The bartender says to the man, "Wow, that's so neat, how did you get him?"
The guy says, "I have this magic lamp with a geenie in it, and I rubbed it and got to make a wish."
The bartender says, "Wow, that is really neat, Could I try?"
The guy says, "Yeah, but be careful what you wish for."
The bartender says, "Ok. No problem." The guy takes out the lamp and the bartender rubs it, and sure enough out comes the geenie. "I will give you one wish," says the geenie.
The bartender thinks long and hard then says, "Well, I want a million bucks." POOF. a million ducks appear.
The bartender says, "Hey wait a minute. I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.
The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey I didn't ask for a 12" pianist either!!!"
Letters To Santa
It's August, and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last x-mas:
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all year.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What-and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please please PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"
The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely," and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
Golf Jokes
A fellow was out golfing when he made an unfortunate hook shot that landed in a bed a flowers planted along the edge of the fairway. Gingerly tip-toeing his way through the flowers to retreive his ball, he bent down to pick it up. Feeling the presence of someone else, he slowly turned around to see Mother Nature standing behind him. Smiling, She said "I couldn't help but notice how careful you are to retreive your golfball without injuring my buttercups - my precious little buttercups. I want to reward you - I'll give you all the butter you could want for the next year." The golfer looked at Her and without hesitation, said "And where the hell were you when I sliced it into the pussywillows?!!
(I'm sure you've heard this next one, but it's still funny)
One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor. And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly. Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, "Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green."
Men and Their Dogs
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with
me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and comming up the street was two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on. The guy said "that's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died". The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?". The other guy said "well thats my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died." The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, "can I borrow your dog?". The guy with the dog responds, "back of the line!".
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? ... Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it? You die.
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an
orgasm.
Very Stupid People
1. The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
2. Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
3. Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen."
4. Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22- caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as
one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come
together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in
public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride,
Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I've come for my urine test!
Dispelling Sexual Myths
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and noticesthe most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is very nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin aconversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous
woman sitting nextto him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!"And what do you do at this meeting?"
he asks."Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African
American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who ownsthis trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and
blushes. "I'm sorry,"she says, "I just feel so awkward
discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto
Goldstein."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OR MERCY HOUSE PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business. "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. Finally, the nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told, and the door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please put $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they are doing?" and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night eh?"
Shocked, the Mother says "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves ......
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then they walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.
"Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each buttom was identified by the letters labeled: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff carressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring added to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstacy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?!" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's
cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the
gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
There was an old man that was known for being cheap. When his wife died, he knew that he would have to place an obituary in the newspaper, but he wanted to save money by placing a short notice. He calls the newspaper and tells them that he wants to place an obituary of only two words: "Becky Died". The editor tells him that the minimum cost is for a six word item, so he can add four more words for the same price. The old man thinks for a few seconds and says: "Becky Died, room for rent"
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
A diehard fan was surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl stadium. He remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's but he died."
"I'm very sorry to hear that but I'm really surprised that another relative or friend didn't jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said, "I guess they all insisted on going to the funeral."
THE PREACHER'S ASS
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter him in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price of a horse was so high that he bought a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won! The paper read:
"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The headlines read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the nearby convent. The headlines read:
"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer willing to buy him for $10. The paper read:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"
They buried the bishop the next day. The headline?:
"NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP"
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him, Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
"What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, so it was you!"
A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats.
One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them.
As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.
Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison.
The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint. "What does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night?" she asked.
All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled "Jesus Christ! Spit it out! It's Asshole"!
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra ?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy he won't even take an aspirin for a headache.
'No problem' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how it went.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy goes back and the doctor inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'
'What's terrible,' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years but, I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Dear Friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following.
Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the stomach. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck
dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less
dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this
room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark
Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark
that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker.
Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and
therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. That is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work. While this takes place she locks her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet.
One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks the lover in the same closet with the boy.
They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says, "Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"No."
"My dad's out there."
"OK, I'll buy it. How much?"
"$25.00."
"Geeze, OK, I'll buy it."
A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again.
The father comes home again. The man is locked in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says, "Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Sure, how much?"
"$75.00."
"Fine."
The following weekend the father says to the boy, "Son, go get your ball and glove and lets play some catch."
"I can't, dad. I sold them to some guy."
"Really? For how much?"
"$100.00"
"Son, you shouldn't rip off strangers like that. It's the same as stealing. I'm taking you to church, so you can confess your sin."
They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down.
The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession.
"What is your sin, my son?"
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University:
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up
on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and
groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's(including the wedding party) chair was a manila envelope.
He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said "F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world, we just live in it.
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out
popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not
intended to kill."
The System
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. Puzzled, he gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think its all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit!
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive
golf course lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be
very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock
out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix
them."
The wife tee'd up and, naturally, shanked it
right through the window of the biggest house on
the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told
you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's
go up there, apologize and see how much it's
going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard
a voice say, "Come in." They open the door and see
glass all over the place and a broken bottle. A
man on the couch said, "Are you the people that
broke the window?"
"Uh yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." the genie said.
"Ok" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I can do. And
you, what do you want?" the genie asked, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the
world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie said.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked.
"Well, since I haven't had sex with a woman
in a thousand years, My wish is to sleep with
your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and
they agreed it was the least they could do. The
genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
two hours. After it was all over, the genie
rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is
your husband anyway?"
"45," she said.
"Really? And he still believes in genies?"
Three guys had recently died and were awaiting entrance into Heaven. But St. Peter appeared and informed them that, unfortunately, Heaven was only allowing 33% of applicants in today, due to overpopulation. So, only one of the three would be allowed in. Whomever died the worst death out of the three would be let in.
St. Peter took the first man aside in private, and let him tell his story:
"For months I had been suspecting that my wife had been cheating on me. So, one day, I decided to leave home from work early and try to catch her in the act. But when I arrived home, she was in the shower. Suspicious, I searched the house for anybody. And then I found him: He was hanging off my 25th floor balcony hoping I wouldn't see him! Fortunately, there was a hammer nearby and I bashed his fingers. He fell, but he didn't die!
Outraged, I grabbed my refrigerator and chucked it down on him. It killed him instantly. But then I felt so bad about it, I took a gun and killed myself."
St. Peter thought this was certainly a decent death, and took the second guy aside to hear his story:
"O.K. I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and I was out on my balcony getting some fresh air. I yawned and took in a big stretch, and I lost my balance! I fell over the balcony, but--I was so lucky--I managed to grab another room's balcony a couple of stories down. But then, for some reason, this guy came out and bashed my hands with a hammer. I guess he was mad I was hanging off his deck. Anyway, I fell about 25 stories down, but luckier still, I wasn't dead. But as I looked up, I saw that a
refrigerator was on its way down to bash me. That's how I died."
St. Peter thought this death was quite tragic, but still took the third guy aside to hear his story. The third guy started:
"Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
George's Physical
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes
off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Grandma Bought a Bumper Sticker for Her Old Buick 85,
She Writes:
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it, and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I am really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and did not notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ", as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting. "Go Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed. I stepped on the gas. It was a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love you all,
Grandma
Rhyming Boyfriends
A guy has 4 daughters who all live at home.
One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says,
"Hi, I'm Freddy,
I'm here for Betty.
We're going for spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says,
"Hi I'm Jim
I'm here for Kim,
Were gonna go for a swim.
Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed says yes and the two take off. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again, and the father answers. A kid standing there says,
"Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show.
Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough a few minutes later the doorbell rings again and the father answers, a kid standing there says,
"Hi I'm Chuck".... And the father shot him.
A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."
Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed.”
Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting that strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."
One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof!
And just like that......her ears were gone.
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells,"Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful,peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four guys laying sod across the street."
There were these two not so bright guys who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car they decided to buy a camel. The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. So finally the first guy says: "I have a idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second guy thought about this for a while and finally agreed.
After a while the first guy asks "Well is it working?"
The second guy replied "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."
