The next morning we were sitting around the breakfast table at 11 AM. Jill and Ringo were up surprisingly early that morning.
“I’m bored.” Complained Ringo. “I want to do something.”
“You’re always bored.” Paul replied.
There really was nothing to do. They had just put out “Beatles at the Speed of Sound” the previous week, and didn’t have to go back to the studio for at least a month. So I suggested something I knew everyone would like. “Let’s go camping!”
“Ooo! We can fish!” Jamie exclaimed.
“We’re getting a cabin.” Jill insisted. She hated tents.
Everyone else agreed. As Jamie and George were packing, Brian E. came in looking very upset. “What’s the matter Brian?” George asked.
“Mick just broke up with me.” He answered sadly. “He went back to Bianca.”
“I know what will cheer you up!” Jamie exclaimed. “You can come camping with us.”
“Okay,” Said Brian, happily.
“I can teach you how to fish with a shoe lace and moss. Or if you’d like, a rod, bread, potato skins and a safety pin!” Jamie said giggling as she remembered the time she and Samantha didn’t have a fishing pole and had to improvise.
Brian went off to pack because we were leaving the next day. After Paul and I packed, I made arrangements for Mal E. to watch Paul the horse while we were gone.
* * *
Everyone got a good night’s sleep and at nine the next morning we were off. Everyone went: The Beatles, their wives, Zak, Patty, Paul George and Brian.
When we got there a few hours later, our camps were surging with fans, press, and jealous boyfriends out for revenge. It looked like our plans for a quiet trip went drastically wrong somewhere along the line. After we pushed past the hourds of screaming girls and reporters we were safe inside our cabins.
Each cabin had three rooms. Paul, Paul George, me, Jamie, Patti, and Brian slept in one cabin and Jill, Zak, Ringo, Crystal and John slept in another.
When we got into our bedroom I turned Paul. “I’m going to set these on our bed.” I told him, pointing to our bags.
“Okay, I’m going for a walk, my father’s supposed to be here today as well.” Paul said.
“Be careful.”
“If you want me to I will.” He said as he walked out the door.
As I was putting our clothes away in the closet, I felt two hands close around my neck. “If you scream or cry our for help, I will kill you.” Said a vaguely familiar voice. “Besides, there’s no one here to help you. They all went to the other cabin. I saw them. Now I’ll take my hands away on one condition – you don’t scream. Okay?” I tried to nod. She took them away. I turned around.
“Yoko!” I gasped. Then I saw another figure. “Kyle!”
He looked at me. “I found your little crack. Why wasn’t I invited?” He asked.
“Because I don’t like you!” I told him.
“We are here to get revenge.” Yoko informed me.
So for the second time in like five years I was being wrapped up in an orange blanket and put into a trunk. I wiggled and wiggled but couldn’t get free.
“Lie down before you hurt yourself.” Kyle instructed me.
I did. The trunk was slammed. ‘I’m going to suffocate!’ I thought. ‘I wish Paul was here.’
* * *
Suddenly I woke up, hours later. Kyle had phoned Brian Epstein and fallen madly in love with his voice. So in love that he forgot why he was calling – blackmail. Brain fell in love with Kyle’s voice as well and Kyle went to his cabin.
* * *
Jamie saw Kyle arrive. She would recognize him anywhere. “Kyle!” She exclaimed.
“Who is that man?” George asked.
“Oh, that’s just an arsehole that went to my school once.” She answered.
Just then Kyle saw Brian, and Brian saw Kyle. They fell even more madly in love and ran into each others arms. Kyle put his lips on Brian’s and they kissed for what seemed like hours.
Paul walked in. He looked around and then went into the bedroom. He came out with a puzzled look on his face.
“Jaim, where’s Samantha?” He asked. Then he noticed Kyle. “Who’s that faggot?”
“Oh, that’s Kyle.” George informed him.
“I thought she was with you!” Jamie said, answering Paul’s first question.
“I went for a walk and she stayed here to put away our stuff. But she didn’t get far.” Paul said. “It looks like there’s been a struggle.”
Kyle came up for air. “It was Yoko!” He cried.
“What?” Paul asked.
“It was Yoko Ono, I saw her kidnap Samantha.”
Just then John and Crystal came in. “Yoko – oh no!” John exclaimed.
Crystal shivered. She never knew what John had saw in her.
“What about Yoko?” She asked.
“She kidnapped Samantha!” Kyle repeated.
“You bloody –“ Paul shouted. “How do you know?”
“I helped!” Kyle replied, his arm around Brian’s waist. John noticed it slip slowly down. Brian smiled lovingly at him. John had never treated him like this. It was all new and…wonderful!
“You dirty traitor!” Paul shouted again.
“That was totally unnecessary!” Brian said in Kyle’s defense.
“Let me at him!” Paul screamed, frantically scratching at the air in a desperate attempt to kill Kyle, as Ringo and John desperately tried to hold him back. Paul flexed his bicep, “I’m a singer with and accent and large muscles!”
* * *
After Paul calmed down, Kyle gave them directions. When Paul got there (along with Kyle and everyone else), I was tied to a chair. Yoko was in another room trying to make another ransom call.
“Paul!” I exclaimed.
He quickly untied me. Jus then Yoko burst in.
When Yoko walked in, McCartney said “O-no!”
“I’m calling the police!” Jamie exclaimed. She had brung handcuffs and put them on Yoko. Yoko walked over to Brian and Kyle.
“How could you do this to me?” She asked. “I trusted you!” Then she noticed Brian.
“Who’s this? Your little boyfriend?” She asked.
“Yes.” Kyle replied matter-of-factly. He put his arm around Brian.
“You stick with him and I’ll tell them all the truth about you, Depew!” Yoko announced loudly.
“You wouldn’t dare.” Kyle retorted.
Just then the Police entered the room. “Yoko, put your hands up and spread ‘em.” They instructed. Yoko tried the best she could with her handcuffs.
They led her kicking and screaming to the car.
“I’ll get you for this, Depew, and your little boyfriend too!” Yoko said in her whiny little voice, as she was driven away. Kyle looked nervous.
We later heard that she kicked so hard they had to knock her unconscious.
* * *
“You should have thought of that before you left the house.” Paul told me on the car ride home. (Paul always knew when I had to go, Pee ESP, I guess.)
“Well I didn’t have to go then…” I said in my defense.
“Should have thought of what?” John asked.
“I have to pee.” I told him.
Jamie overheard this conversation. “Samantha, you’re such a rebel.” She said.
* * *
When we had returned from my incident, Paul and I went on a romantic canoe ride. Paul brought along his fishing pole and caught several fish. 
After dinner Paul and I went into our bedroom. When I noticed I still hadn’t finished putting our things away I said, “Excuse the mess, won’t ya, packin’.”
Then Paul and I had sex.
* * *
When we went to eat breakfast that next morning, Paul and I were scared half to death.
“Sex in the kitchen! Is it any wonder I never eat any meals!” Paul exclaimed.
Jill sat up. “Our sex therapy class said we should alternate areas, so we don’t get bored with the scenery.” She explained.
“Well, next time please refrain from doing it on our table – we’d like to keep it sanitary for the next person.” Paul sat, shaking his head in disgust. He couldn’t believe that those two could have sex so much. It seemed like at least once a week he walked in on them doing it another strange place or trying out another odd position.
“You take sex therapy?” I asked.
“Yes – Masters and Jansons. We like to keep ourselves enlightened by learning the latest trends.” Ringo answered.
Paul and I rolled our eyes and ate our breakfast on the counter. Jill and Ringo resumed on the front porch. Luckily it was a private camp, so only the crew would have their eyes assaulted by this sight.
* * *
That afternoon Jamie and I went fishing again. Jamie had just flung her line into the water when the bobber bobbed. She quickly reeled it in to find a baby sunny chewing on her worm.
“Is that a fish?” I asked.
“Ha, ha – very funny.” Jamie said as she took it off her hook and started to throw it back in.
“Discarding it?” I asked.
“Yes, like an old boot.”
“Without even a backward glance.” That tiny fish was Jamie’s only catch of the day. It seemed her luck with fishing was running out. I, however, caught supper again for that night. Roast perch.
“Fishing isn’t my sport anyway. I prefer archery.” Jamie said as we were leaving the lake.
* * *
After dinner we all went for a walk. “And there’s the lake where I caught the fish,” I began, pointing in the direction of the lake.
“Don’t keep rubbing it in.” Jamie said. “We all know you’re a good fisher!”
“Don’t take it out on me just because you can’t fish!” I yelled. “Shawna was a good fisher you know, although I always caught more than she did.” I thought back a minute, “Except that one time when I tangled up my line so much it took hours to unravel.”
“Where is Shawna, anyway?” I asked Paul.
“She went home with James.” He said. “I hear they’re a hot couple now.”
“How do you know these thing?” I asked.
“People just come up to me and tell me things.” He shrugged.
“I miss Shawna.” I whined.
“Well, fine, if you love Shawna more than me I’m leaving!” Jamie stomped off.
“Hmph! The nerve! How dare you say mean things about my lovely wife!” George said as stomped off after her.
Ringo and Jill stomped off towards the dock, we figured to get a view of the lake, a change of scenery for their next sex.
“Jesus! I catch a fish and everybody hates me!” I huhed.
“I don’t hate you.” John said.
And that was the beginning of our longest journey together…
Read Chapter Thirteen.
Check out The Pooh Page The page where I got my email pic.
© 1997 
