I woke up that night in a cabin far away from anywhere on a little island on a distant land, at about 3:00 AM. I felt a hand over my mouth. “Scream and I shoot.” A man I couldn’t see ordered me.
I recognized his voice. It was the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi!!
“Maharishi!” I whispered. “What are you doing here, you pig?”
“That’s Mr. Pig to you.” He warned.
I looked over. Paul was no longer lying next to me. “What have you done with my poor Paul?” I asked, upset.
“He is somewhere very far away, now enough talk, come on.” He said, dragging me out of bed. He pulled out a knife.
“You can put that away, I’m not having any of that.” I said.
“Move!” He ordered.
“Okay! You don’t have to tell me twice!” After that, he wrapped me in an orange blanket.
“Help me!” I screamed.
Maharishi gave me a look.
“Oh, sorry, Maharishi. Where are we going?” I asked from the backseat of his Oldsmobile.
“Right now you should not be concerned about where we are going to. You should be worried if anyone heard your pitiful screams.” Maharishi informed me. “Of course, that’s impossible, since Paul is locked up and no one is anywhere near this place.”
“I need to know, where is my Paulie?”
“Hasn’t anyone looked in the basement?” The little man asked.
“But, but the basement is freezing, my baby will catch a cold! He gets sick very easily.” I said, worried. “What are you going to do to me?”
“Are you stupid? I am kidnapping you!”
“Why?”
“You are a Beatle wife. You are worth big money.”
“But the police will catch you! You’ll never get away with this!” I cried.
* * *
Meanwhile Paul was just waking up. He looked around. He was in a cage! “I’m in a bloody cage!” He exclaimed to himself. He liked talking to himself, it gave him a sense of outlook. “Ah-choo!” He sneezed. “Gazuntight.” He told himself. He then looked down. “Hey - my skins soaked right through to the skin!”
“I must save Samantha!” He declared as he searched for a way out.
* * *
The Maharish took me to his temple, and he threw me in a round cement thing. “It’s a thingie! A fiendish thingie!” I cried.
“No, it is not. This is where you will be disemboweled.”
“Don’t worry Samantha.” I told myself. I too had taken up talking to myself. I shut my eyes tight and was rendered unconscious.
* * *
Back in the basement, Paul was searching for a way out. He found a door, but when he turned the knob it came off. “Ah, a ladder!” He said excitedly. He stepped on the three bottom rungs. They all broke.
“All of the rungs have been neatly sewn in the middle.” He said, rather frustrated.
Then he spotted it. A phone! He lifted the receiver and heard dial tone. “Yes!” He cried happily. He dialed John’s number.
Crystal answered. “Paul?” She asked. “What’s wrong? Okay, here’s John.”
“John!” Paul exclaimed. “The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has just kidnapped Samantha! I think he is holding her hostage in the temple.” Paul vaguely remembered over hearing Maharishi telling this to another person before he was knocked out. “You have to come to our cabin immediately. He has me locked in the cellar. I’m afraid I may have a slight cold.”
“Okay!” John agreed. “I’ll be right over to let you out.” He hung up the phone and he biked to Paul’s cabin about a mile down the trail from his. Crystal was in charge of calling the others and forming a plan on how to save Samantha.
Paul kept busy by singing the “Weenie Man Song.”
* * *
“We have to wait till 7 PM to make the ransom call. It’s a tradition, I think.” The Maharishi later told me. It had been an hour since Paul had phoned John.
Back in the cabin, John was busy helping Paul out of the cellar. “Come on Paul,” he urged, “There’s not that much time, its 6 o’clock!”
John was uncharacteristically carrying a gun. When Paul looked at him questioningly he only replied, “I need protection, we need protection. We’ve got a record to do tomorrow.”
* * *
As Paul and John arrived at the temple, John fell. “It’s nearly 7:00!” Paul exclaimed. “Get up Johnny, you can do it Johnny.”
“I am up, I am.” John replied and they ran into the temple.
“What are you doing here?” Asked Maharishi. “We haven’t even called for ransom yet!”
“There will be no ransom, the place is surrounded by coppers. Make one move and this place is blown to smitherines.” Paul said.
“Oh Paul!” I cried happily. “I missed you so much! I thought I would never see you again!”
“I have “You Won’t See Me,” stuck in my head.” John declared, lightening the moment.
I glared at him. “Great! Now I do too!”
“All right, all right.” John mumbled. “If you don’t need me I’ll lock myself up in the bathroom and call Crystal.”
Paul and I didn’t hear him because we were too busy making out. John left, dejectively.
The police came and hauled the Maharishi off to jail. He went kicking and screaming. Paul and I finished kissing and Paul put his arm around me. “Let’s go home.” He said.
Later that day we all caught the next plane out of Bermuda and went home.
* * *
Back at Friar/High Park, George and Jamie were holding hands, playing with Pattie on the front lawn.
“I love you Patti!” George told the baby.
“I love you George.” Jamie sighed.
Just then a horde of girls appeared on the path to the castle. “Hey Be-atle!” They yelled. One winked at George. Suddenly John, Paul and I appeared. “I didn’t encourage that wink.” Said John.
“I’ve been getting winked at a lot these days.” George decided. “It used to be you, didn’t it Paul?”
Suddenly the girls started yelling at Jamie and I. George was furious. “Don’t we give those bastards a big enough pound of flesh every goddamn day of our lives?” With that, we got up and went inside, leaving the girls screaming.
* * *
As we entered the kitchen Jill and Ringo were doing it on the table. “Oh my God!” Jamie exclaimed. “Do you two ever stop?”
Paul observed the situation. “Sex is creeping in. It’s been thrown at youth. They see it everywhere. In the bazaars, in the market place, in the kitchen even!”
Jill and Ringo paused only to glare at us. “Do you mind?” Asked Jill. “We’re trying to have sexual intercourse here!”
“We noticed.” Crystal said, disgustedly, as she joined us from her bath.
* * *
At the dinner table that night (thankfully a different table than the one Jill and Ringo did their “act” on) I had gas, so I let out large burp, just as Ringo was leaning over the table near me. “That’s the second time she’s belched in my face!” He said. “Every time you go near her she belches in your face!”
“Oh, sorry Ringo.” I said.
“Does she do that often?” Asked George.
“I’ve been meaning to ask her that for a while now. Because she’s my best friend, I will.” Jill said. Just then George let out a huge fart.
“George!” Jamie exclaimed, shocked. “I never knew you had it in you!”
“Does he do that often?” Crystal asked, amused at the whole scene. She was thoroughly enjoying her stay with us. She and John grew closer everyday.
* * *
The next year, 1970, “Let it Be” was released. On it Paul wrote a song to sing to James if he ever came back. They were practicing it, and it went like this: “Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged!”
During a break I told Paul how this was the last album the Beatles ever released together. “Why?” He asked.
I told him they weren’t getting along as well as they used to. “Sure there were good days, but only like two a month.” I explained.
“Why?” He repeated.
“Lot’s of reasons. Mainly Yoko Ono.”
“Who’s that?” He asked. “Oh, that slanted-eyed bitch that John went out with for a little while?”
“Yes, her. But John never broke up with her. Instead, they got married. They never wanted to be apart, so she came to the studio everyday. She was really selfish and stuck up and no one liked her, except John of course.” I finished with a big breath.
“Is that all?”
“No,” I answered and went on to tell about Brian’s death, Allen Klien, and their financial problems. I made sure to leave out Mr. Eastman.
* * *
That night we had a meeting and everyone was there. (All of the Beatles, their wives/girlfriends, Brian Epstien, George Martin, Neil Aspaniel, Mal Evans, etc.) Paul explained what I had told him earlier, and us wives filled in a few more details.
“I don’t want that to happen.” Paul was saying.
The others shook their heads.
“We’re much too good friends to let that happen.” Ringo added.
So that was settled. We started to watch the in and out-going money more so we wouldn’t spend too much.
* * *
“I wanna get hi, hi, hi!” John, Paul, Flingo (George!) and Ringo sang in unison. We all giggled. Jamie snorted. Ringo turned around quickly, looking from side to side. “Shawna?” He asked. “Oh no! Shawna’s not back is she?” He asked, truly frightened.
“No,” Jill said, putting her arm around him, “That was Jamie!” She glared at her. “How dare you scare Ringo!” Jill scolded.
Read Chapter Ten. Check out The Pooh Page The page where I got my email pic.
© 1997 
