“And you. Bring me to my knees. Again. All the times. That I could beg you please. In vain. All the times. That I felt insecure. For you. But I leave. My burdens at the door . But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. ‘Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you . All the times. That I felt like this won't end. Was for you. And I taste. What I could never have. It's from you. All the times. That I've tried. My intentions. Full of pride. But I waste. More time than anyone. But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. 'Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you. All the times. That I've cried. All this wasted. It's all inside. And I feel. All this pain. Stuffed it down. It's back again. And I lie. Here in bed. All alone. I can't mend. But I feel. Tomorrow will be OK. But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. 'Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you.”- Staind “Outside”
JC sits on his bed staring outside the small window in his room as the rain falls. AJ was sitting on the floor staring up at the TV flipping through the channels one after the other and JC didn’t see how he could even be paying attention to them because he was flipping so fast. Derek was lying on the floor by AJ stretched out on his stomach with his head propped up in his hands staring up at the TV.
“JC, you ok?” AJ asks JC, “Earth to JC. JC!”
“What?” JC asks turning around and looking at AJ.
“You ok?”
“Yeah, fine,” JC says turning back toward the window, “You think Chase is ok?”
“I dunno,” Derek sighs.
It had been two days since Chase had stumbled his way back into the clinic with help from JC. They were told that he was in the medical ward being taken care of, but not informed about his condition. They said hopefully he would be back by the late afternoon today.
JC seemed to be the most affected and he kept to himself now more humming along to songs that the others didn’t recognize. AJ was still AJ. He put on a happy face and tried to cheer everyone else up when on the inside he was dying himself. AJ reminded JC of a sound clown, even though AJ said he was terrified of them for some reason. Derek had become quieter and kept to himself more often now. He only really joined a conversation when he had something good to say or when someone forced him to join. He never started the conversations anymore.
“You guys wanna go see if Chase can come out yet?” AJ says turning off the TV set and standing up.
“We went two hours ago,” JC says still staring out the window.
“So. Maybe we can at least talk to him. We never asked that.”
“We might as well try,” Derek says standing up, “You coming JC?”
“Yeah,” JC sighs standing up off of the bed.
He hadn’t talked to Polly in two days.
“But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. 'Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you.”
“Chris doesn’t think I am going to make it out of here,” JC says to them as they walk down the stairs.
“Why?” Derek asks.
“Because he doesn’t think I can for some reason. I don’t really know because I kind of blew up at him and then hung up.”
“Good,” AJ says as they get to the lobby and turn the corner, “Who needs the midget?”
“But if he gave up on me whose to say the others didn’t too.”
AJ can only shrug in reply, “I don’t really know them, so I can’t say.”
“If they all gave up on you it’s not worth it to even talk to them,” Derek says as they walk into the door that read Medical Ward above it.
“Is Chase able to come out yet?” AJ asks the woman at the desk.
“No, I’m sorry not for a few more hours then he can leave here for good. Well as long as he stays out of trouble.”
“Can we go visit him?” AJ asks, “Just to talk to him.”
“I don’t know…”
“Please, we’re the only real friends he has here and he has no family.”
“Just for a few minutes.”
“Thank you.”
“He’s in the third room on your left as you go down the hall.”
“Thanks,” AJ says then walks off down the hall as the others follow, “Hey,” AJ says sticking his head into the room as Chase looks up from his bed and smiles slightly, “You ok?” AJ asks as they walk into the room.
“I guess,” Chase shrugs.
JC stares at him and frowns. He was only nineteen and this would be his fourth stay in rehab. He had a bandage around his arm where the wound was when JC dragged him back into the clinic. Chase didn’t seem like your typical junkie, but he was. He had bright eyes that showed that he had the ability to be happy and seemed to lock people in them when he stared at you. He had nice features too. JC didn’t know why, but the thought that Chase was pretty always came to his mind. Not handsome or anything, but Chase was pretty. He wasn’t feminine or anything, actually he was less feminine looking then Lance. He reminded JC of the type of look a girl would bring home to show her family. He was too young though. He was too young for all he had been through.
He reminded JC of Justin and that scared the shit out of him the most.
“Why’d you do it?” JC asks as they all look at him.
“I’m a junkie what else would I do when I got out?”
“Clean yourself up and get a job. Get a better life for yourself.”
“Oh yeah right. This coming from the guy whose fucking filthy rich.”
“What does that mean?”
“I get that all the time, JC. Why don’t you clean your act up and get a good life. Yeah, right how? How am I going to get a good life? I have nowhere to go, but the streets and the drugs are everywhere there. I can’t get a job who is going to hire a guy whose been in rehab four times and has been caught stealing before. Would you hire me? Honestly, if I came up to you on your little tour would you hire me? Well?”
“I…” JC says and stares at him.
“That’s a no. Don’t think you can tell me what to do when you haven’t lived my life. Don’t you ever fucking think you can tell me what to do. You’re rich, famous, thousands of people love you, you have friends to watch your back, you have family even if you don’t like them, you have a nice house, you have nice cars, you have a girl you could get if you ever fucking tried hard enough and you never have to worry about getting money, so you can eat at least one meal a day. You never have to worry about if you’re gonna get a good spot to sleep in that night. You never have to worry about getting jumped in your sleep. You never have to worry about the fact that if it rains you’ll get soaked. You never have to worry about getting money to get you a hit. The drugs were always there for you. You never had to choose between them and a meal. Until you have lived my life DO NOT tell me what I should be!”
“I…I’m sorry,” JC says staring at Chase who was staring at him intently now.
“I think you guys should go.”
“Get better little man,” AJ says messing up his hair and walking out of the room.
“We’ll see you soon ok,” Derek says to him and then follows AJ.
“I’m sorry, Chase,” JC says, “I am.”
“Just go JC.”
“Ok,” JC frowns and then walks out of the room.
As they walk out of the medical ward JC stares at AJ and Derek and sighs. “I didn’t mean it like that guys,” JC says. “Well maybe you should think before you talk or act,” AJ snaps at him. “Sorry,” JC says staring at AJ’s back as they walk.
“All the times. That I've cried. All this wasted. It's all inside. And I feel. All this pain. Stuffed it down. It's back again.”
“Just be careful around him,” Derek says to JC as JC nods in return.
“I’m gonna go call someone ok,” JC says to them, but he could of walked off and they probably wouldn’t have noticed.
JC walks in the opposite direction of AJ and Derek and walks over to the phones. Surprisingly enough there was no one at the phones and he walks up to one, dials the number and waits for someone to pick up.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Justin it’s JC.”
“Oh hey JC you doing ok.”
“Not really.”
“Why?”
“This kid, he’s younger then you, and he just got out, but he came back that night high as a kite. He’s been in the medical ward for the past few days then I go to see him today and I acted before I thought things through.”
“What you do?”
“ I told him to clean up his life and he blew up at me telling me all these reasons he can’t and that I have no right to tell him to.”
“You don’t”
“Huh?” JC asks. He hadn’t expected Justin to answer like that.
“It’s his life. He knows how to make it better and how not to.”
“Did Chris talk to you yet?”
“No, about what?”
“Nothing, nevermind he’s an asshole.”
“He’s being a prick. Every time I go out he’s on my case. One of these days I’m gonna just tell him where I’m going. I’m gonna tell everyone where I’m going.”
“And where is that,” JC says thinking please don’t let it be drugs. Please don’t let it be to get a fix.
“To see my baby.”
“Your baby?” JC says thinking oh God it can get worse.
“Nessa.”
“Nessa?”
“Vanessa, she’s my baby.”
“You like her that much?”
“Yup.”
“And Britney?”
“Uh oh you didn’t hear in there.”
“What?”
“Ummmmm.”
“What did they do?” JC asks knowing perfectly well that if they wanted to Generation X could have her killed.
“She got in a fight with Rachel in a club and it was this big thing. Then Rachel said some choice words, so she said it back. Vanessa was just sitting there with me…”
“With you and Britney was there?”
“We were in the back of the club she was in the front. I think she must have really ticked Rachel off cause Rachel through a fit and pointed towards the back. Britney goes storming back and to say the least she did not catch us at a good time, so she tares Vanessa away from me and punches her. That was the biggest mistake I have ever seen her do because then Vanessa beat her ass. She finally gave up came over to me and slapped me then left. That’s the last I saw of her.”
“How long ago was that?”
“About a week.”
“Why in God’s name would you risk that.”
“Hehe, Vanessa was wearing this little black skirt and this tight black t-shirt that said the Sex Pistols across it then we were dancing and we started kissing, so we sat down.”
“You’re a pervert.”
“I know. LaRusso yelled to Britney to watch her burnt toast looking ass when she is in Pennsylvania or New York because she is gonna end up regretting ever fucking with a member of their family. She canceled all her dates there. She’s afraid she is gonna get shot.”
“She’s gonna end up floating in a river. Rachel’s grandfather was in the mafia.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Justin, have you stopped doing the coke?”
“Yeah, Vanessa is with me now so I’m clean.”
“Does she do anything?”
“Nah, she used to do coke, but she gave it up. She does a joint with me every once and a while, but that’s all.”
“Maybe she can straighten you out.”
“Yup.”
“Just be safe ok.”
“Ok.”
“Ok, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Alright, bye JC.”
“Bye,” JC hangs up the phone then picks it back up dialing another number. The phone rings five times before he hears the familiar sound of an answering machine picking up.
“Hey guys it’s Polly I’m not gonna even bother saying what to do, but I’ll back to you as soon as possible.”
JC smiles slightly and waits for the beep, “Polly, it’s JC. I just wanted to talk to you, but I’ll call you later. Bye,” JC says and hangs up the phone.
“You ok?” a voice asks from behind him and JC turns around to see AJ leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
“Yeah, fine. Polly’s not home.”
“Sorry I snapped at you back there.”
“It’s ok I deserved it.”
“I don’t have much patients when I get worked up.”
“It’s ok. You’re right though I never think before I speak or act.”
AJ shrugs, “We all have shortcomings.”
“I really need to apologize to Chase again.”
“I think he understands. He’s having a hard time now. He reminds me of Nick, so I reacted as if it was Nick.”
“Nick? He reminds me of Justin more.”
“Because of the drugs?”
“And how he acts. He seems so…so…”
“Alone.”
“Yeah.”
“Nick always says how nobody loves him. Like nobody loves Nicholas. They all love Nick Carter.”
“He sounds like Justin. That’s why he likes Vanessa so much I think.”
“Maybe we should introduce the two of them. They’re more alike each other then they would like to admit.”
“Don’t tell them that.”
“I know.”
“Nick doesn’t do drugs does he.”
“Nick. Nicky Carter. The boy loves videos games more then anything in the world. If it’s not electronic he’s not interested including drugs. Beer…beer is a different story, but he isn’t like me. Thank God.”
“You hear about Britney?”
“Yeah,” AJ smirks, “What can I say she pissed off Rachel Leigh. The girl is a Gambino she has a very short Italian temper. Of course it’s the cousins you have to worry about not her.”
“You think Chase was right about me?”
“On most points.”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“That’s what I was afraid of. That’s what I was afraid of,” he repeats leaning against the wall and sighing.
“But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. 'Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you.”
