February 18, 2002
The time is ticking down now faster then ever. I think the pressure is really getting to me now. I need to get out and get out soon. I want to wait until after Brian’s birthday though, so I’ll probably leave some time in March. I don’t want to drag down Brian’s birthday because I can’t hack it anymore.
The pot isn’t cutting it now either. I think I may need something stronger when I’m on tour now. I tried a line of Justin’s coke. Now that was a baddddddd idea. I spent the next hour plus stumbling around the hotel room mumbling things while Ness stared at me. Well Justin and me because he is always high. And I mean alwayssss. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him or saw him when he wasn’t on some kind of drug.
I went out last night after the other guys went to bed. It was around two in the morning when I left the hotel. I went out to a club dressed in all black with a pair of black sunglasses on. I found a club I was finally interested in in a “bad area” as they would call it. It was called the Chamber and was a rock club. I don’t think I have ever seen so many gothic people before in my life, but it was one of the best nights in a long time for me. I spent the night bumping and shoving into people in a mosh pit. Of course when I finally got back to the hotel at five in the morning I found a large black and blue bruise on my rib cage after someone bumped into me. I also had to wake up two hours later for a plane flight and only got around an hour of sleep. AJ said I looked like shit. I told him a person could drink a pint of blood before they get any real damage and he just stared at me. I think I really scared him that time. He backed off after that and went and sat next to Kevin whispering something to Kevin that made him look over at me.
Oh yeah did I mention I died my hair black this morning. Oh Nick is the blond one. Nick we love your hair. Well it’s gone now. I died it jet-black when we got to the new city. I did it in my bathroom with one of those home dying kits. I didn’t tell the other and when I showed up at rehearsal with black hair. Their eyes got so big, but they didn’t say anything to me. We just started rehearsal like it was a normal thing. I caught them staring at me once and a while though. They were probably wondering what caused me to do this. What can I say?
Deal with it.
Brian frowns as he looks up from the entry as he scans the all to familiar room that was Nick’s living room. Kevin was sitting in a chair flipping through the photo albums, AJ was watching Fight Club again for the umpteenth time since they had been there and Howie was gazing out the window. It pissed Brian off that Nick was thinking about how to make Brian’s birthday better, but not about trying to help himself.
“Remember the time Nick dyed his hair black,” Brian says to them as Howie turns to face him and Kevin looks up from the photos.
“Yeah. Personally it freaked me out,” AJ says still staring at the screen.
“Nick stared to freak us all out towards the end,” Kevin says.
“AJ can you turn the TV off,” Brian says.
“Why? It’s not like we can do anything else now Bri. We are at a dead end. This is as far as Nick wanted us to go.”
“Well there has to be something we can do,” Brian says.
“Brian calm down. If Nick wants us to know anything more we’ll find it, but I don’t think he does.”
“It’s getting closer to when he left in his journal,” Brian sighs sitting down on the couch next to AJ and sighing.
“That’s why you mentioned when he dyed his hair?” Howie asks.
“Yeah, he just did it on the eighteenth of February. He was saying he wasn’t going to leave until after my birthday because he didn’t want to bring it down. Why the hell would he be thinking about that?”
“Well Nick didn’t exactly have a good head on his shoulders at that time,” Kevin sighs, “Thoughts probably went in and out of his head like clock work then.”
Howie looks at Brian and nods in agreement.
“Did you guys ever see his bracelet?” AJ asks.
“What one,” Kevin asks.
“Ok that means you didn’t,” AJ says shutting off the TV and facing them all, “Nick made a bracelet of razor blades and he wore it all the time towards the end. One day I asked him why he was wearing it and he said it made him feel like he was in control and that he had the option to make the cuts at anytime. It freaked me out badly and I kind of stopped asking him questions after that. I was afraid I’d push him over the edge.”
“What?” Brian stares, “He never told me anything about that.”
“Bri, you gotta understand,” AJ sighs, “ Nick didn’t like the fact that you always wanted to know how he felt or what was wrong with him. He just wanted to be left alone.”
“Did we find anything else from the things in the trunk,” Brian sighs.
“No,” Howie says.
“They’re all dead ends Brian,” Kevin says, “AJ is right. The only thing we can do now is read his journal and hope to figure things out from that.”
“It just keeps getting worse and worse,” Brian says flipping open the journal to a page, “Listen.”
February 25, 2002
Well Brian’s birthday has come and gone. He seemed to have a good time, but I think he was expecting more from me. Like more energy or something. Hey I put on a happy face and gave it all I could, but keeping up my happy boyband persona is getting to me now. I can’t keep it up much longer. I’m so glad I won’t have to keep it up much longer. I started planning out how I am gonna get out of here and I think it’s safe to say it’s fool proof now.
I think Justin backed out of his plan. He was talking about how he was going to start rehearsals for touring and it was going to be their biggest tour yet. Oh well it’s his loss. He can stay here I’m fed up with the pop life. He was telling me about it when we were sitting on top of the hotel roof smoking a few joints.
I stood up at one point and walked over to the edge and just kind of leaned over. I asked Justin if he thought it would really hurt if I jumped. He said the impact would probably kill me and I wouldn’t feel that much except for it was a long fall down to think about stuff. So I got up on the ledge and just started walking around on it trying to walk and smoke at the same time. Justin just sat there staring at me taking drags off his joint. Then JC walked up and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. He stared at me for a few seconds and then told me to get off the ledge. I asked him why he cared. I wouldn’t give a fuck if I found him walking across a ledge of a hotel building. Then I asked him what he would do if I jumped. I asked him if he thought it would back a loud cracking sound when my head cracked open on the pavement below. Justin just sat there and looked back at JC smirking at his horrified face. Why would I listen to JC if I didn’t even listen to my own group?
I did this little hop and I saw JC catch his breath as I landed, but lost some of my balance. I started to waver back and forth until I finally fell forward landing flat on my face on the roof as Justin cracked up. As soon as I saw him laughing I started laughing too. JC got this really pissed off look and grabbed Justin’s arm to pull him away, but Justin shoved him away and told him to go write some more songs even though his always got on the album instead. JC just stared at us muttered something about crack heads and I hope you fall next time then stormed off back into the hotel.
I told Justin I was going to leave soon and he just sort of stared at me. Yeah, he had no idea what I was talking about. It doesn’t surprise me though because Justin was probably extremely high and doesn’t remember anything that I’ve ever told him at those times and he probably won’t remember anything that I tell him now. Oh well.
The countdown is on.
“What a line to end with,” AJ says as Brian looks up at him.
“I guess it suits the entry,” Howie adds.
“So he could have killed himself,” Kevin sighs.
“Yeah, that was the part that really scared me,” Brian says.
“You think he still does pot?” Howie asks.
“I hope not,” Kevin replies.
“I think he only did it to get away from reality,” AJ says, “Hopefully he doesn’t need it now that he is away from this reality.”
“So he had the whole thing planned out,” Kevin sighs.
“To the T I guess from what he said about it being that fool proof,” Brian answers solemnly.
“Hmmmm,” AJ says clicking his tongue.
“What?” Howie asks.
“I was just wondering what he took with him.”
“Well he emptied his bank account, so he took a lot of cash,” Kevin says.
“And left his credit cards,” Howie adds.
“And of course he took some clothes with him,” Brian chimes in.
“He left his drivers license and passport though,” AJ says.
“With his money he could of gotten someone to make him a fake passport or license,” Kevin answers.
“I guess,” AJ says and starts clicking his tongue again.
“Why are you doing that?” Howie asks.
“Doing what?” AJ asks and keeps clicking his tongue.
“That. Clicking your tongue.”
“I do it sometimes when I’m thinking.”
“Well what are you thinking about?”
“I was just wondering how he pulled it all off. I mean I love Nick to death, but the guy wasn’t exactly a genius and this seemed pretty well planned out.”
“I have to agree with him,” Kevin says, “I love Nick to death, but he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed if you understand what I’m saying.”
“I guess when he really puts his mind to things he gets them done,” Howie says.
“I think to him this was a do or die situation, so he treated it as his priority,” Brian sighs, “He put all his energy into it.”
“So how do you think he did it?” AJ asks.
“I dunno, AJ,” Kevin says.
“No honestly how do you think he did it?” AJ asks, “Do you think he used a car, or a bus, or a train or even a subway or something? I mean he had to use something or do you think he hitch hiked?”
“AJ, what started this sudden interest in this?” Kevin asks.
“I have been thinking about it for awhile and now he is mentioning his plan I am just interested. Does he say how he does it later?”
“No,” Brian says, “I think he knew I would find this and he didn’t want us to know those details.”
“Oh,” AJ curtly and starts clicking his tongue again, “But think about all the time and patience he put into this.”
“AJ drop the subject,” Kevin says.
“Fine,” AJ pouts and turns back on the TV as Fight Club starts again.
~A person can drink a pint of blood before they get sick, ~ the character thinks as he smiles at his boss with a mouthful of blood.
Brian’s head snaps up and he stares at the screen.
“I think he used a car and a plane,” AJ says the screen.
Brian stares from the screen back to AJ as he starts clicking his tongue again.
“I think he got away in the car and then he flew somewhere like Fiji or some place that no one would know who he is and where he can just be Nicholas.”
Brian stares at AJ for a few seconds and shakes his head. He had thought the same thing.
