Nick stares at the white walls that surround him as he walks down the hallway with the others by his side. He was half in a dream world now. He had no real perspective of what was going on around him all he knew was that he was going to se Justin. Going to see his friend. His best friend. His best friend who now had a dead wife.
“In there,” Brian says motioning to the room across the hall from them, “You wanna go in by yourself?”
Nick nods wordlessly as he begins to walk slowly to the room.
Kevin stares at Nick as he walks into the room and frowns deeply.
Nick looks back at them all lined up against the wall one last time before shutting the door behind himself.
Justin turns his head slightly to the right and looks at person who had just walked into his room. His face lights up slightly and he smiles half forced at Nick, “Hey,” he says weakly as Nick pulls a chair from the corner over to beside his bed.
“Hey,” Nick says forcing a smile, “You feel ok?”
Nick knew it was a stupid question to ask. He had been filled in about what was wrong with Justin. One broken left arm, a fractured right ankle, three bruised ribs, a cracked skull, stitches in his forehead, and numerous cuts and bruises all over his body.
“I feel like shit,” Justin says truthfully as he looks at him.
Nick smirks, “You look like it.”
“Fuck you, Carter,” Justin says, “Where’s my son?”
“Kristen is watching him,” Nick says, “Want me to call her and tell her to bring him?”
“Nah…he asleep?”
Nick nods.
“Nah, he takes forever to get to sleep when Ness and I aren’t around. Let him rest before he tuckers himself out,” Justin says calmly looking at Nick, “Where’s Ness?”
Nick looks at him before looking down at the floor, “You sure you’re comfortable here?”
“Yeah, now where’s my wife?” Justin says staring at Nick, “Nick, where is she?”
Nick looks at him and then looks down at the ground again slowly.
“No,” Justin says to him.
“Just…”
“No…”
“Just, they tried everything they could…”
“No. No. No. No…”
“…her lungs collapsed while they were driving her to the hospital. Justin, she was so beaten up…”
“NO,” Justin yells staring at him, “No. No. No. Nick, where is she? Where’s my wife?”
“Just…Just, she’s dead. I’m so sorry,” Nick stares at him as tears begin to prick the back of his eyes. He had thought he had cried all the tears he had left at Kevin’s.
Justin stares at Nick and shakes his head as streams of tears begin to flood down his cheeks.
“Just…I…”
Justin looks up at him and shakes his head one last time before throwing back his head and letting out a long scream.
Nick looks down and turns away as Justin begins to sob uncontrollably in front of him. He hears the door open behind him softly as he turns around and see JC walk in. Nick shakes his head at him as tears flow from his eyes again, “I…I can’t help him, JC.”
“Justin,” JC says walking over to him and bending over to give him a hug softly, “Justin, I’m so sorry.”
Justin buries his face into JC shoulder and wraps his one good arm around the smaller mans body clinging to him for dear life as he cried, “She’s gone, C. She’s gone,” he cries into his shoulder.
“I know, Just. I know,” JC says rubbing his back softly.
Nick stares at them and sits in his chair sobbing softly to himself. Justin was broken beyond repair now.
AJ looks over at Justin from his seat at the kitchen table. Justin was sitting on the couch in the living room looking down at his son as he played with a pile of small toy cars. Nick was sitting near him in a chair next to the couch facing the small boy.
“He move at all?” JC asks walking up.
AJ shakes his head no, “Not an inch. He just kind of stares off into space.”
“Nick?”
“He tries to get Justin involved, but he won’t budge,” AJ says sighing, “God what’s wrong with him JC?”
“He’s not gonna move. He’s not gonna budge,” he says as he watches Alex walk over to his dad and raise his arms wordlessly telling him to pick him up. Justin stares at his son and blinks once before turning away. Nick looks up at Justin and stands up picking up Alex and sitting him on Justin’s lap, “Shit,” JC mumbles walking over to them with AJ tailing close behind.
“Hold your son,” Nick yells at Justin, “He’s your son.”
“Nick,” JC says pulling Nick away from Justin, “AJ, take Alex.”
AJ looks at Justin cautiously before bending over and picking up Alex from his lap. Justin’s eyes flow the small boy closely, but makes no movement to stop him.
“C’mon,” JC says tugging Nick away from Justin, “You can not do that!” he snaps at Nick as AJ walks up carrying Alex, “Justin is not going to respond to his son…at all. If anything it probably hurts him more.”
“But…” Nick says.
“Look at him,” JC says looking at Alex, “Yeah, he looks at hell of a lot like Justin, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t look like his mother too. Look at his eyes, his nose, his cheeks…Justin sees him and sees his wife. It’s hurting more then helping him to see his son,” JC sighs letting Nick go.
“What am I supposed to do? Huh? He doesn’t speak a word of English enough to talk to anyone,” Nick says looking at Alex, “He doesn’t understand what I mean when I say mommy isn’t coming home again and now his father doesn’t want to see him let alone touch him. What am I supposed to do JC? Huh?”
“I…I don’t know,” JC says looking at the small boy in AJ’s arms.
AJ looks at both of them before looking over his shoulder at Justin who sat motionless on the couch staring off into space and then back down at the small boy again.
“I should have never come back,” Nick mumbles softly to himself.
“Huh?” AJ asks.
“I should have never come back,” Nick says softly shaking his head at himself.
“Nick…” JC starts.
“No…no…this is all my fault,” Nick says looking at the two of them, “I asked them to come with me. I didn’t want to go alone. I didn’t want to be alone again. It’s all my fault…”
“Nick…” AJ says.
“No, she wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for me. Justin wouldn’t be dieing if it weren’t for me. He’d still have a wife. Alex would still have a mom. I would still have my best friend,” Nick says looking over at Justin again.
“Nick, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t tell what was going to happen,” JC says, “You came trying to help your band mates…”
Nick looks at him, “You’re right…”
“Huh?” JC asks.
“You’re right,” Nick says to JC taking Alex from AJ, “It wasn’t my all fault…”
“Nick?” JC asks cautiously staring at him as his blue eyes been to darken.
“No,” Nick says, “A lot of it was their fault,” he says looking at AJ before walking away from the two.
“What the fuck was that?” AJ asks looking over at JC.
JC shakes his head, “Shit…shit…Nick is crumbling.”
“He’s blaming us?” AJ asks, “Because he came for us?”
JC nods, “Seems like it. He’s projecting.”
“Shit,” AJ mumbles.
“This is going to turn ugly very fast,” JC says looking over at AJ.
AJ stares at him, “All we can do is watch?”
JC nods, “Basically.”
“Fuck.”
Brian looks over at Justin sitting on the couch mindlessly watching TV as Alex sits at his feet, “I wanna do something to help him,” he says softly as Kevin sits beside him at the kitchen table.
Kevin nods slowly, “I don’t think we can do anything.”
“Where’s Nick?”
“His room…watching TV I think.”
“He hates us again?”
“I think so,” Kevin says, “JC said he blames us for bringing him here…bringing them here.”
“That’s bullshit,” Brian mutters.
“Nick is taking this rough,” Kevin says, “Rougher then he lets on. Justin lost a wife. Nick lost a best friend and the only other person who knew him.”
“He’s turning back into his old self…”
“I don’t know…was that really who he was? Justin and Ness new a different old Nick…they knew a different current Nick…”
“How’s Justin been doing?”
Kevin shakes his head, “Hasn’t eaten anything. Won’t move unless someone moves him. Won’t speak a word. Won’t hold his son. He just stares into space…just stares.”
Brian shakes his head and looks away from Justin, “I think…I think we should let Nick leave…take Justin and Alex with him before anything bad happens…anything worse…”
“Brian don’t tell me you feel responsible?”
“I dunno,” Brian sighs, “How can I not?” He turns to stare at Kevin, “We should have known. We all should have known. We should have guessed they wouldn’t be able to survive here. They left for a reason…he shouldn’t have come back. I was so glad to see Nick happy again…so glad. Jealous because he hardly knew me anymore and I him. Justin was his new best friend, but…but they look like they hurt so much now, Kev.”
“Brian…”
“Yeah, he gave us closure, but what did we give him in return? Huh? What did we give Justin and Ness for all the nights they spent watching over him…helping him? Caring about what he did when we were too busy to pay attention to him. Nothing…we give nothing but pain.”
“Brian…”
“Maybe Nick wasn’t the problem…maybe we all were,” Brian says looking over at Justin, “Maybe those two were the only normal ones out of all of us. The ones who cared too much, felt too much, and look what we did to them. Be broke them shattered their hopes, dreams, spirits…maybe Nick didn’t have the monster inside him…maybe we made it for him.”
Kevin stares at his cousin and sighs, “Maybe…maybe we did,” he says looking over at Justin again.
Nick stares at Justin through the darkness and sighs. Nick was sitting on a small stool at the end of Justin’s bed. Alex was curled up beside Justin fast asleep on the side of his bed where his mother used to sleep.
“I’m worried about you, Just,” Nick says as Justin stares at him, “You can answer me or not, but I am. Don’t collapse so easily.”
Justin looks at him for a minute before turning away and looking out his window at the moon.
“She wouldn’t want to see you like this…not like this after you both worked so hard to be where you are now.”
“You don’t know what she wants,” Justin hisses in the darkness staring at Nick, “Don’t say you do if you don’t.”
“I…” Nick says.
“Shutup,” Justin snaps, “None of you know…none of you will know how I feel. She was my world, Nick…everything…everything.”
“Justin, Alex…”
Justin looks down slowly and then over to his right staring down at his son, “He won’t even remember her.”
“I’m sure he’ll remember some things…”
“He won’t remember,” Justin says, “He won’t remember how she smelled like lavender. How she smiled. How she laughed. How she tasted. How she felt. I’ll remember that Nick,” Justin says looking up at him as tears cloud his vision, “I’ll remember all that. Till I die I’ll remember what I had and now I don’t have. No one else knew her like me…no one…no one knows me, but her…”
“Justin, I knew her too…”
“No…not like me…not like me…you don’t know how I feel. How I hate myself…How I hate what I am…I did it Nick I finally managed to fuck my life up completely with my stupidity.”
“Just…”
“Why was she in the car, Nick? Huh? Who was driving the car Nick? Who!”
“Justin knock it off.”
“How the hell did I make it?” Justin asks laughing slightly through is tears, “I’ve been on the verge of death so many times and came out alive every time. Every time she pulled me back…how come the one time she needed me I couldn’t help her. One time…one time,” Justin cries.
“I think we need to go home, Justin…”
“It’s not home without her…”
“Justin…”
“Nothing is ever going to be the same,” Justin states wiping the tears from his eyes.
Nick sakes his head and stands up, “It’s not your fault…you didn’t run the red light. She loved you, Justin. Loved you more then life. At least you had someone who loved you like that,” he says as he walks towards the door leading out to the hallway, “Please just play with your son…”he says before opening the door and walking out into the hallway.
Brian stares down at the journal in his hands as Nick’s words lay scrawled across the pages. Where had they gone wrong? Where did they forget to pay attention? Where…
*BAM*
Brian drops the book suddenly and stares at the ceiling above himself. He stands up suddenly and begins to run for the second floor.
Kevin wraps his arms around his wife in bed and takes a deep breathe in inhaling her scent, memorizing it. Never wanting to forget that smell.
*BAM*
“Jesus,” Kristen yells sitting upright suddenly.
“Oh my God,” Kevin says throwing the covers off and running out into the hallway
AJ sits leaning over an open file folder in front of him. There was no way…no possible way. There had to be something wrong. JC was in front of him sipping a cup of coffee slowly half looking across the table to read the upside down small print.
“What’s tha…” JC asks
*BAM*
AJ jumps in his seat and looks towards the stairs leading upstairs.
JC drops his cup off coffee as it hits the kitchen titles and shatters spilling the contents all over, “Oh my God,” he says bolting from his seat and running up the stairs AJ close behind.
Nick was halfway down the hall looking down at the carpet fibers. Why did Kevin pick green rugs anyway…
*BAM*
Nick tops dead in his tracks and spins on his heels, “Justin. Justin! JUSTIN!” he yells as he runs down the hall towards the door he had walked out of a few minutes ago. He throws open the door and runs inside, “Jesus Christ!”
