“This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear. This is my December. This is my snow covered home. This is my December. This is me alone. And I...Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I... Take back all the things I said. To make you feel like that. And I... Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I...Take back all the things that I said to you. And I'd give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to. This is my December. These are my snow-covered dreams. This is me pretending. This is all I need. And I...Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I...Take back all the things I said. To make you feel like that. And I...Just wish that I didn't feel. Like there was something I missed. And I...Take back all the things that I said to you. And I'd give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go too. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to. This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear. And I'd give it all away...Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away.... To have someone to come home to.” –“My December” Linkin Park

Nick stares out the window of the car and sighs. The sound of Linkin Park floats through the speakers in Kevin’s car as they drive down the darkened high way toward their destination, Justin sitting next to him with a far off gaze in his eyes, Brian in the passengers seat staring out his window and Kevin in the drivers seat his eyes locked on the road. AJ was back at the house waiting for his wife to come home. He said he would have come otherwise, but Nick knew the look of uncomfortableness in AJ’s eyes. The look that he knew was in his eyes as well.

It was a clear night. Their was a slight breeze that ruffled the leaves on the trees almost like a faint whisper in the darkness warning Nick to stop where he was now. But Nick didn’t listen…he never listened. The car came to a stop in a driveway that had long ago been forgotten. They all seemed to step out of the car at the same time and Nick turned to look up. The moon hung like the blade of an axe over them now. The breeze shifted its way across the lawn and kissed Nick on the back of his neck sending an unwanted shiver up and down his spine. Kevin was standing next to him now on one side and Brian was on the other. Justin was a few feet ahead of them making his way up a small pathway. Nick stares at him and then up at the house in front of him. His house.

Nick didn’t know if the darkness of the night made it seem worse or if his house had actually taken on the grayish color in replace of its once white outward appearance. The flowers that had once been were now tangled and strangled by varies types of weeds. The grass was over grown and an almost straw color now. Nick’s eyes take in every detail as he walks up to the front door. Kevin was ahead of him holding a small key in his hand. He reaches the door and quickly opens the lock with the key then pushes the door open. A loud creak echoes through the night as the unoiled hinges groan at the unwanted visitor.

One by one they disappear into the darkness crossing over the doors threshold as Nick watches them. Nick takes in a deep breath and finally crosses over the threshold himself back into the darkness that his life once was. Back into the past that he wanted to leave forgotten. Back to a world he didn’t want to find again.

Nick’s eyes adjusted to the darkness that surrounded him and vaguely made out the shapes that surround him. He could hear the footsteps echo in the stillness as someone walked away from the group. In a second lights flicker on straining themselves at first and then illuminating the darkness. Nick wasn’t sure if the light was better though. Now we could see his old house, everything shrouded in a layer of dust with cobwebs hanging here and there.

“Nice decorating,” Justin says before quickly shutting his mouth as Kevin gives him a look.

“You didn’t touch anything?” Nick says taking in everything in the main room with wide eyes.

“No, we didn’t think it felt right,” Brian says sighing slightly.

“My room?” Nick asks.

“Same as it was before you left,” Kevin says.

“Ok,” Nick says softly before walking forward towards the staircase and climbing the stairs slowly.

“Nick you ok man?” Justin asks as he stares at Nick’s back and goes to follow him.

“Let him go,” Kevin says softly placing a hand on Justin’s shoulder and stopping him, “He needs to be alone.”

Nick ascends the staircase slowly running a hand over the dust-covered banister. He turns toward the right once he reaches the top of the stairs and continues on his way down the hallway. Everything in the house had a coat of dust on it and almost seemed to be frozen in time. Nick didn’t know when the last time anyone had even in the home. He continues on his way down the hall and comes to a stop at the end of the hall in front of a pair of large wooden doors. Warily he raises one hand and places it on one of the gold colored handles. He turns it slightly and pushes the door open slowly. The light from the hallway floods into the darkened room as Nick walks inside. He reaches towards his left out of habit and comes across the light switch. Light fills the room quickly and Nick stays in his spot near the door frozen.

His bed, his TV, his game systems, his dressers, everything was there in the exact same place has he remembered. Nick walks into the room slowly and turns around in a circle taking everything in. He walks over to the dresser by his bed and picks up a picture frame with so much dust on it you couldn’t even tell what picture was inside. Nick takes his right hand and with one motion wipes some of the dust off the small pane of glass. Smiling faces with blond hair stare up at him as he drops the picture quickly putting a hand over his mouth as a sob escapes. He takes a step back quickly and trips over his own feet falling backwards onto the rug. He sits up and pulls his knees towards his chest holding onto them with his arms. He lets his head fall to his knee caps and did the only thing he could do…he cried.

“And I'd give it all away. Just to have somewhere to go too. Give it all away. To have someone to come home to.”

“This place gives me the creeps,” Justin says out loud staring at the room.

Brian nods in silent agreement.

“Do you think Nick will take long?” Justin asks.

“No,” Kevin says, “I don’t think he wants to spend anymore time in here then he has to.”

“Then why did you bring him here?” Justin asks.

“He needs to start somewhere,” Kevin says simply.

“What’s this supposed to help him with?” Justin asks.

“He needs to face his past.”

“Like this though?”

“I told you he needs to start somewhere,” Kevin says again.

Justin sighs and shakes his head looking over at Brian.

Brian shrugs slightly before focusing his attention back on something on the wall.

“Justin can I ask you something?” Kevin asks.

“I guess,” Justin says.

“Where did you meet Ness?”

“A club,” Justin says, “In Philadelphia. I passed out from the cocaine and she woke me up the next morning.”

“And you just kept seeing each other?”

“And we just kept seeing each other,” Justin says firmly walking away from them over towards the corner.

Brian looks over at Kevin with a questioning look on his face, which Kevin only shrugs to in reply.

“It doesn’t feel right being here,” Kevin says softly.

“Just think how Nick feels,” Brian sighs.

Nick lifts his head slowly from his knees and looks around his room again. Why was he even here? He didn’t need to be back here. This wasn’t going to help at all. He needed to get out of here. He needed to get air. Air. He needed air.

Nick stands up quickly and looks around the room once more before running out of it and down the hallway. He runs past Brian, Kevin and Justin and back to the front lawn of his house. He needed to breathe. That’s all he needed was to breathe. Oh God he couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out of there. That’s what he needed. He needed to get away from his house. He needed to get away from the memories. All those memories. Memories of times he wanted to forget about.

Nick puts his hands on his head and begins to pull at his hair. He hears Brian, Kevin and Justin run out the front door slamming it behind themselves as he falls to his knees and curls up into a ball.

“Get them out!” he yells at them.

“Get what out Nick?” Kevin asks nervously.

“Get them out,” Nick cries still pulling at his hair, “Get them out.”

Brian stares at him with wide eyes backing up slightly.

“Pleaseeee,” Nick cries.

“Nick,” Justin says, “Nick knock it off. NICK!”

“Get what out?” Kevin asks, “Please Nick you need to talk to us.”

“Get the out,” Nick cries as the other three stare at him, “Get the memories OUT!”

“Is he ok?” AJ asks Kevin.

Kevin shakes his head and lets out a long breath as he sits at the table in his kitchen with AJ, “I don’t know.”

“He just freaked out?”

Kevin nods, “It was a bad idea to take him there. I should have known.”

“You didn’t know he would act that way,” AJ says.

“I should have known though.”

“Where’s Brian?”

“In his room,” Kevin sighs, “It really shook him up.”

“Justin?”

“Talking to Nick.”

AJ shakes his head, “He just started pulling at his hair?”

Kevin nods, “I was afraid he was going to pull it out. I swear he would have done it too if it weren’t for Justin tackling and wrestling his hands away from his head.”

“He finally calmed down though right?”

“In the car on the way back yeah, but I dunno if he’s ok now.”

AJ nods.

“God you felt helpless watching him. I couldn’t even think of anything to do. I just stood there. If Justin wasn’t there…I…I don’t know how long I would have let him go.”

AJ shakes his head again and sighs, “This is just an idea, but…do…do you think we should get a psychiatrist?”

“No,” Kevin says.

“Why not?”

“That may draw media attention. Let alone if the person tells someone.”

“They’re sworn to secrecy though right?”

“I dunno,” Kevin sighs, “It’s up to Nick.”

“One of my friends is a psychiatrist. She could do it. She’d never tell. Kevin he needs help. He isn’t near over it yet and that episode proves it.”

“It’s still his choice,” Kevin says, “I’m not pushing anything on him.”

AJ nods, “Talk to him about it then.”

“I’ll mention it,” Kevin says.

“Ok…good,” AJ says, “I’m just trying to help him Kevin.”

“I know,” Kevin says, “I just don’t think a psychiatrist is the way to go though. I don’t think he really wants to talk about it to a stranger.”

“We can’t give him the help he needs though,” AJ says to Kevin.

“I know. I know,” Kevin says.

“You think he’s ok yet?”

“I hope,” Kevin says, “I hope,” he says again more to himself this time.

“You gonna be ok?” AJ asks Kevin.

“I should have known,” Kevin says again, “I should have known.”

“Don’t do this to me now Carter,” Justin says pacing around Nick’s room as Nick lays sprawled out on the bed, “I don’t need this now.”

“Well then I’m sorry,” Nick mutters.

“Would you stop apologizing first off,” Justin says to him.

“Sorry,” Nick says.

Justin looks at him for a second before going back to pacing, “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Nick says.

“Nick people don’t just start to pull out their own hair for no reason at all.”

“People like me do.”

“Nick.”

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Sorry.”

Justin rolls his eyes before walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed, “Maybe we should leave now.”

“No,” Nick says quickly.

“Why not. Nick it’s getting to you. I got my dose of the mainland and I like home better.”

“I need to work things out with the guys.”

“You can do that at home.”

“No I can’t,” Nick says.

Justin sighs, “Fine. It’s getting to you though Nick.”

“No it’s not it’s just that place. I hate that place. I want to burn it. I want to bomb it. I want it gone.”

Justin looks down at his hands as the door opens and Ness walks in shutting the door behind her.

“Have a bad day Nick?” she asks him softly.

“Fuck you,” Nick says.

“HEY,” Justin snaps at him.

“Just let him go,” Ness says to Justin, “He’s having a tough time.”

Justin shakes his head at Nick before turning to look at Ness, “Where’s Alex?”

“Playing with May,” she says still looking at Nick.

“How come you could get over it and I can’t?” Nick asks.

“Huh?” Justin asks.

“How come you could get over it and I can’t?”

“I dunno Nick,” Justin says shrugging, “It was just drugs for me. You…it’s a lot more in you.”

“Of course,” Nick sighs.

“Maybe we should go home Nick,” Ness says.

“No,” Nick says, “Justin already told me that.”

“Ok,” Ness says softly and walking over to his head smiling at him, “Jesus Christ,” she says frowning.

“What?” Justin asks.

“What the hell did you do to your head?” she asks Nick staring down at the top of it where some pieces of fair were stained with blood.

“Don’t worry about it,” Nick says, “Relapse of some sort.”

“Don’t worry about it?” she says, “I’m the one who had to put up with you two trying to kill yourselves before. I’m not dealing with it now.”

“Sorry,” Nick says.

Justin goes to say something, but stops as Ness shoots him a look.

Nick shuts his eyes and turns onto his stomach curling up with a pillow, “I just wanna sleep now ok.”

“Alright,” Justin says standing up, “Don’t try anything though ok? Ok?”

“Fine,” Nick says, “Jesus.”

“Please Nick,” Justin says as Ness walks over to him.

“Alright,” Nick says looking up at the two of them as they walk out of his room and Justin shut the door behind himself.

Only then did Nick let the tears fall.