Tanner's Poems
Tears for Tanner
How many tears
can I cry for you
my baby son?
It is an endless current
that travels through my days
It will never be done.
It's course never run.
Salty,
red eyed,
they soak my pillow at night.
Sleep doesn't come...
for the river it runs
through my mind
all the time.
Tears for dreams that won't come true.
Tears for the hopes that I held for you.
Tears for your Daddy and brothers,
for they loved you too.
An endless flowing current
that will never run dry.
As long as I can say your name
forevermore I'll cry.
My Tanner is not here with me
wet will be my eyes,
with tears,
endless,
eyefilling,
running always,
for as long as there is love in my heart
for the life that we should have shared
together not apart...
Then there will always be
a river full of tears
for all eternity.
I shed them willingly...
may they flow to you in heaven
and your love flow back to me.
Tammy Tobac
12/28/99
Tiny baby in Heaven above
Angel of our hearts, our love
Never forgotten, how could we
Near in spirit eternally
Everlasting treasure, yet grief so intense
Radiating love, we miss your presence
written by Jamie VanDerMeer
^i^ Mommy of Pierce
Tanner The Little Angel of God
As you sat there you felt something was not right
You decided to go to the hospital because you were overcome by a feeling of fright
And after the doctor was through examining you
The doctor came back in and said I am sorry there was not anything I could do
He said that Baby Tanner had died
All you did was cried
The doctor was wrong that day
For Tanner will live on in all of our hearts always
That day that all our hearts tore
God was so gracious to get one little angel more
God had called home Tanner his son
That day Tanner's life with God had begun
Tanner is with his Uncle Tommy
Who will help Tanner watch over his mommy
Tanner is in a place far from harm
Tanner is being held in Mary's arms
Tanner says to God please do not let my mommy cry
God let her know I have life eternal with you and that I never really died
In Heaven Tanner will wait
To be the first to greet you at Heaven's Gates
Written by John Lavelle
(Jamie Murphy's boyfriend)
Nothing could make everything better
But....nothing could make things much worse
Your pain is filled deep with sorrow
And your heart is drenched with remorse
Remember, he will always be in heaven
Looking down upon you all
So while you are all in pain on earth
He is one Angel, who will not fall
And he is not shedding a tear
Because he knows how wonderful a mom you are
And he knows one day, (not soon) he will be with all of you again
And as patience is a virtue
and good things come to those who wait
Tanner knows how much you love him
and that love will keep him safe
So Brian and Tammy,
Shane and Zane,
It is really hard to deal with so much pain,
But remember, Tanner loves you,
and he hopes you will live your lives to the fullest,
So when you see him,
you can tell him all about all of the wonderful
experiences that he never got to know.
written by Marc Ferris
Tanner's cousin, and our niece Amy's hubby.
Metamorphosis
My grief has sent my life
spiralling backwards,
to numbness
reborn inside an egg.
Protected by an outer shell of shock,
stuck inside,
not much of a spirit,
not living my life.
Immobile, trapped
feeling sorrow
Oblivious to the metamorphosis begun.
Slowly I emerge from this protective dwelling
an unbecoming somber caterpillar
mourning keeps me low to the ground
moving sluggishly
Present again in the world,
but without much significance.
Absorbing the skills that will help me to grow:
Perseverance, Strength, Faith, Hope
abilities I hunger for to live and cope.
Observing life advance around me,
not quite participating,
never celebrating...
just existing day by day because I must.
Trying to find the modest joys that cross my path.
Time marches forward...
dragging me with it.
The next phase begins.
Turning inward
a cocoon of dread and anxiety
I tightly spun around myself.
And nestled in this shadowy place
I meet this torment face to face
for change does not come effortlessly
to those who desire metamorphosis.
The ambition to one day become a soaring spirit
Like those who have moved on without me.
I must abide within this realm
until the transformation is overcome.
And only then will I be able
to split away the tough skinned outer layer
that restricts my flight.
The layer: acceptance
Acceptance that he must wait for us there,
while we go on living here.
Integrating the hole left in our family.
I long to soar with my other sweet souls eagerly
waiting on the outside....
Brian, Zane and Shane...
expecting the former me to emerge.
But alas that will not be.
Please linger patiently for me,
my family
My wings are still wet and forming.
I promise I will surface
forever transformed by my encounter with mortality.
A place in my heart for Tanner,
where I no longer cry rivers of tears.
Metamorphosis complete.
I will glance into the glorious sun
where my 3 butterflies await.
I only ask a few moments more...
until my wings are dried by your love.
Now I am ready...
Come family...
Let's fly.
And one heavenly day
we will, all 5 of us
take flight together...reunited family.
Together for eternity.
by Tammy Tobac 3-4-00
With Love for Tanner
and my family waiting for my metamorphosis
