I had lots of help money-wise from my grandfather, but those long lonely nights with the baby crying was something I had to do on my own. The baby would wake up crying, I would change her, feed her, only to have her still crying... She would eventually drift off to sleep only to wake up an hour later and we would go thru the same thing. They said she was colic and she would out grow it... Fianlly at 3 months (very long months) she started sleeping thru the night. I thought things were finally starting to straighten out. I went to school full time. Here came the juggling act again. My day started with getting the baby changed, her things together to go to the babysitter's (a close family friend was taking care of her while I went to school). Then I would get ready for school, try to concentrate on my studies (while thinking of my daughter), get home, take care of the baby, and try to get homework done. Needless to say I wasn't doing very well in school at all. I was failing most of my classes.
As K-lanna spent most of her days with her babysitter, she was getting closer and closer to her. She was at the point where she didn't even want to come home with me. The time that should have been spent bonding with me, she was bonding with someone else and that really hurt me. As she got older, her sleeping habits improved, but it seemed she was getting sick more often. She was always having trouble breathing, fevers, coughing, crying, earaches...I kept thinking when does this end? She got so bad that she ended up in the hospital for a week with an upper respitory infection. I hurt so bad seeing my daughter with IV's in her little arms, sleeping in a tent, and getting breathing treatments four to five times a day. Then when K-lanna was almost 3 years old, I found out she might have asthma, so I was missing school quite often with doctor appointments and all. The principal at my school wasn't very sympathetic to my need to take care of my daughter and told me I couldn't keep missing school. After awhile he got sick of it and kicked me out of school... I couldn't believe it!! Three short months to graduation and he kicked me out! As of now, I have not yet finished school.
I was living off my grandfather, collecting $158.00 every two weeks from welfare. It seemed I had to depend on everybody. If I needed to get to the store, a doctor appointment, school, I had to depend on someone to get me there. I didn't know where I was headed, everything seemed such a mess. Now you also have to know that thru out this part of my life there were times I was sick and had my own problems. I remember one time I had to get 4 teeth pulled and the baby still needed to be taken care of. She didn't stop needing me just because I was sick or hurting.
She is now 4 years old and growing beautifully. She started school this September and I am so proud of her. I love her so much! Now you might be asking where was the father thru all of this? Shawn was around, but he wasn't much help. My family wouldn't allow him around the house so he was still able to hang out with his friends and do what most parents would not have the chance to do. So how could he be expected to be any kind of a father? He finally straightened himself out and we ended up together. I got pregnant a second time, but at least I had more people in my life. My dad had by now started coming around, my mom was more involved with me, and the baby's father was with me. I had another high risk pregnancy, but it wasn't as bad as my first. I had to go to the doctor's every other day towards the end of the pregnancy so they could watch me closely because of my first pregnancy. My beautiful son, Shawn Jr. was born May 21, 1999. Shawn Jr. seems to be taking the same pattern as K-lanna, because at the age of 2 months, he had bronchitis. For his first couple of months he didn't want to sleep. I thought he had his days and nights mixed up cause he would sleep all day and cry all night. That was kind of tough because I still had to take care of K-lanna. On Sept. 17th I found two teeth had already come thru on the bottom, so he was teething too. Now with Shawn Sr. and me, things are a bit easier. He is here for me and our children. He takes good care of his son. Shawn Jr. is now 4 months old and he is sick again. It really scares me because of his breathing, but we watch him closely. He is getting so big and I love him so much.
Well, life is somewhat easier but now I have to start all over again.
My goal is to get my GED, look for a job, and maybe take some evening college courses. I would like to do something in the field of computers.
I have a few words to you: I love my children to death, but I missed out on a big part of my life because of my actions. I just want to say if you're thinking about having a child or having sex without a condom... remember all these things you have read. You have your whole life ahead of you... there is no reason to rush things. Believe me when I tell you, you don't want to grow up faster than you have to. Stay young as long as you can!!~Laura
