"Lance . . ." He turned to face me, then turned his attention back to the cribs without saying a word. "Baby, talk to me, please. I am so sorry, I didn't mean it."
I walked across the room and knelt down on the floor in front of the rocker, resting my hands on his knees. He didn't move away, but at the same time, didn't react as if I was there at all. I looked up at his face, trying to make eye contact, but he continued staring blankly, and obvious look of pain and frustration in his eyes.
"Lance, I know you're upset, but ignoring me isn't going to solve anything. I honestly didn't mean to say that, I was just upset and it came out before I had the chance to think. You know I love you and want you to be the father of these babies, at least emotionally if not physically. You're going to raise them, and you'll be the only one they ever call daddy, I wouldn't take that from you. What's it going to take to make you forgive me? I don't want to lose you, I love you too much for that, please, just talk to me, let's work this out."
I could see his face softening, but still he said nothing. It was the silence that was killing me, I could take it if he screamed and yelled, but not this. In this silence I could truly tell he was in pain, pain that had been inflicted by me. I sighed softly as tears began to slide down my face again and I stood up.
"I can see you don't want me here, I'll be in our room if you decide you want to talk to me." I walked back across the hall and collapsed on the bed, crying. I had screwed up big time and I wasn't sure if there was anything I could do to make things right. As I lay there crying, I heard the door open behind me and then felt the mattress give as someone sat on the bed next to me. I turned my head and saw Lance looking down at me, tears forming in his own eyes. He still didn't say anything, so I reached over and took his hand in mine. "Please baby, say something. Scream, yell, call me a slut again, anything, just please, talk."
"I'm sorry." His words were so quite at first, that I could barely make them out, but as he continued, his voice got a bit stronger. "I didn't mean it when I called you a slut."
"It's okay baby, I deserved it."
"No, you didn't, because you AREN'T a slut, you just made a mistake, and I know that. When I first found out you were pregnant, I was upset because it wasn't mine, and never would be, but then I slowly got over it, especially after you agreed to marry me, because I knew we would have another chance for a baby. Then, the day we found out it was twins, you were so happy, you said you had always wanted twins, and I got so jealous that it wasn't me making that dream come true, that it was some other guy. You have no idea how much I hated the fact that someone else was giving you something you always wanted, then, when you threw that in my face earlier, I just snapped."
"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it, just like I didn't mean to throw it in your face. Believe me, I want nothing more than for these babies to be yours, their real father sure as hell doesn't care about them. I promise, I'll never bring up the fact that they aren't yours, biologically, because in every other way, they ARE yours." I moved his hand and placed it on my stomach, where the twins were kicking and moving all over the place. "When they're born, YOU are the one they'll be calling daddy, and YOU will be the one they love and run to when they are hurt, not him, and that should be all that matters."
"It is. As long as that man has nothing to do with our babies, then that's all that counts."
"I can't guarantee that he'll never be a part of their lives, when they're older I'll need to explain to them what happened and who their biological father is, but when I do, I'll make sure they know that he left them before they were born and that you're the only one who has ever cared about them."
"I guess that will be okay. So, you forgive me then?"
"As long as you forgive me."
"I do. I hate fighting like that, I swear I'll never blow up at you like that again."
"And I swear that I'll never hurt you like that again."
"Sounds fair to me."
He laid down on the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around me protectively, resting them on the babies, and that was how we fell asleep.
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Ten
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