I don't know how long I slept before I was awoken by the feeling of the bed giving way next to me. I opened my eyes and saw Lance sitting at the edge of the bed, back towards me and face buried in his hands. I debated for a moment on what to do next, and finally I decided on reaching out and placing a hand on his back. Slowly, he turned around to face me, tears running down his cheeks and pain obvious in his eyes.
"Please, just tell me why you lied to me."
"Lance, I never actually lied to you, I just never told you who the father was. I couldn't, I knew you would despise me, and I was right. I can see it on your face and in your eyes."
"I try not to hold it against you, I try not to be hurt, but I can't. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. If it had been anyone else, I think I could have handled it, but one of my best friends? No, that was just too much. It keeps running through my head, that maybe if I had been more obvious how I felt about you, then none of this would have happened. Then, I try to figure out how I could have MADE it any more obvious. I showed it in every way I knew how, but you just wouldn't see it. If you had wanted to see, then you would have."
"Lance, I am so sorry. I honestly had no idea, do you think if I had, that I would have allowed any of this to happen? Do you think I would have had sex with JC had I known that you loved me? I never would have wanted to hurt you like that."
"Not want to hurt me? A little late for that, because this hurts worse than anything else you ever could have done to me. What hurts worse, though, is that even if you didn't know, HE did. I told him more times than I can count, I told all of them, asked for advice, and now this is what happens. One of my friends takes advantage of my trust for him, and screws you, then gets you pregnant on top of that."
"Baby, you have no idea how much I wish right now that none if it had ever happened. I never in my life wanted to hurt you, especially not as badly as what I have. I won't lie to you though, if I could go back in time and do it all over again."
"WHAT?!?"
"Lancey, if I had not made the decisions that I did, if I had not slept with him that night, then I wouldn't have my babies."
"No, you wouldn't have JC's babies, maybe you'd have MINE instead."
"Don't you get it? If I hadn't been pregnant, we would never have gotten together. This entire marriage is a result of my pregnancy."
"You don't know that we wouldn't have gotten together, maybe if you hadn't been screwing around with JC, then you would have caught on and NOTICED that I loved you BEFORE. Then we would have been together and those would be MY babies laying in there sleeping!"
"Lance, I'm sorry, but I still wouldn't have changed what I did. Even if we would have gotten together before and I would have ended up pregnant, it wouldn't have been the same. Justin and Bri are who they are in part because of their father. If I had gotten pregnant with your babies, they would be different, and as much as I love you, I also love my babies, just the way they are, and I wouldn't change them or trade them for anything in the world."
"I don't know how you can sit there and say that you love me, yet say that you would still hurt me if you had the chance to change things. That just hurts even worse, I already feel as if I have a knife shoved in my heart, and hearing you say that only twists it."
"Lance . . ." I sat up in the bed and wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder, trying to calm him so I could get him to see things from my point of view.
"Don't, don't touch me," he stood up swiftly, leaving me sitting on the bed staring up at him in shock and disbelief. "I can't stand you touching me, knowing that your hands were on him. As much as it kills me to say this, right now I can't even stand the thought of me touching you. The thought of making love to my own wife makes me physically ill, to think of the fact that his hands were on you, touching you in ways and places that only I should."
With that, he grabbed the shirt and boxers that he usually slept in, and stormed out of the room. I could hear his footsteps retreating down the hallway, and into the guest room. I laid back down on the bed and once again, clutched his pillow to me as I sobbed, wishing I were dead and hating myself for all the pain I had caused to him.
The End
