Only when we were with our friends could he bring himself to touch me, and even then it was only as much as resting a hand on my knee, or casually placing an arm around my shoulder. I sometimes wondered when the others would start to catch on, but they never did. To them, our marriage was as happy as the day of our wedding.
Many times I would just sit in the nursery, rocking one of the babies. It was the only place I could think of to go where I could try and forget about all that was going on and pretend that everything was normal. That's where I was now, sitting in the rocking chair holding feeding Justin.
"Amanda?" I turned slowly at the sound of Lance's voice. Ever since that day, I had been so uncomfortable when I was alone with him, not knowing what to do or say. I was just waiting for him to blow up at me again, or worse, to tell me that he was leaving me.
"Yes?"
"Everyone is downstairs, they're asking about you."
"I'll be down as soon as I'm done here."
"Fine."
"Could you please take Brianna down for me, I can't carry them both at once."
"Sure." He walked over to the crib and I saw his face soften immediately at the sight of the tiny baby lying in it. "Hey there, where's daddy's big girl? Huh? You want to go downstairs with daddy?"
I could hear Brianna's delighted cooing at the sound of Lance's voice, she was such a daddy's girl already, and she was only four months old. He loved her too, I could tell, the way he held her, the gentle voice he used with her, both of the babies actually, but there was a bond between him and Bri. As awful as it sounded, I was jealous of my daughter at times. Lance had so easily been able to go back to her, hold her, love her, but not with me. I knew it was because she was a baby, a victim of circumstance, unable to choose who had fathered her. I, however, had been the one to make the decisions, ones that were, seemingly, unforgivable. I had to try though, I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage yet, so as he walked by, I gently reached out and let my hand brush against his arm.
"Lancey . . . "
"I have to get back downstairs." And with those words, he walked away.
