Go, my child, blow free like the wind.
I release you now; my pain must end.
Help me down here as I struggle to know
The depths of despair you felt in your soul.
Your life seemed stormy,
your path often rough,
You reached a point
when you said, “Enough”!

For your close family, other relatives, too,
For all the friends who dearly loved you,
The time since that March
seems a thousand years.
It’s been hard to focus
while drowning in tears.
My life’s sweetness
was all but extinguished
The moment you chose
to have your life finished.

There’s no turning back
much to my sorrow,
I can move only forward
with each new tomorrow.
I’m now pushing onward
to get through this life,
I miss you, sweetheart;
it’s hard saying bye.

But saying bye I must if I am to gain
A level of function beyond all my pain.
Letting go and moving ahead
has been mighty tough,
I’ve now reached my limit;
it is I who has suffered enough!

Walk with me as I tread life’s path anew.
I’ll join you someday
when God says I’m through.

Please, Lord, until then care for her
and let her be
Forever a joy and an Angel at your feet.

Barbara (aka Babs_10)
Mom

(Written summer 1997 in memory of  my daughter, SUSAN)

About Susan:

Susan was a beautiful girl. 
She was a very intelligent person
who had made all A's in school for three years. 
She was a very sensitive and caring person
and a very deep thinker. 
She was a cheerleader, a student-council member
and she had just been named
to her school's varsity softball team. 
She was a very popular gal
who had many, many friends
among the teens and the teachers.

Susan held a part-time job
and had her own car to drive.
She had a talent on the piano
that was simply incredible;
she had taken piano lessons for
6 years.

She died by her own hand
at the age of 16 plus 9 months,
during her junior year.

Why would someone who seemingly
had everything in this life,
choose to die the way she did?

After studying this
for the many years
since losing my daughter,
I feel that when a person is sensitive
and the ugly face of depression shows itself,
a deadly combination is often the result.

I will spend the rest of my life
attempting to convince the teens in our city
that there is another path to walk
to solve the depths of their despair
instead of choosing death. 
There are wonderful counselors available
as well as new drugs on the market
to combat depression.

Death does not have to be the answer
for someone who is
heavily troubled and mired in emotional pain! 
I have worked with a partner since 1997
in bringing this message of hope
to the teenagers in our area.

Within the Yellow Ribbon Organization Guidelines
(an international suicide awareness program),
we created our own local program,

BRITE STAR

(Bringing Realistic Information To Every 
Sensitive Teen At Risk)

With the blessing of our local school district,
we get into the high school,
junior high schools here
and others all around our area
to carry our message of hope
to all teens who hear us.
Hopefully by listening and realizing
there are other avenues of help,
they will be turned
into our future brite stars!

The road back from our own personal "hell"
of losing a child this way
has been a huge struggle. 
Our family unit had its very foundation shaken
by the act of one person. 
But now we understand the tremendous pain
that our loved one was feeling
even though she had lived
a mere not-quite-seventeen years! 
I will believe until my dying day
that there was something wired wrong
from the beginning inside my daughter's head.
She left in writing a history of the turmoil
that she had faced since puberty set in. 
For whatever reason,
she chose to keep that turmoil hidden.

I took her to counseling
and after a few visits,
they told us we had no need to return
since there was no real problem. 
Looking back, I realize that she did not,
could not, or chose not to open up
and share what she was feeling inside.

As Mom, the one major regret that I have
is that I did not listen to my sixth sense
and seek further help
when I knew just how miserable
Susan was or seemed to be.
Originally I took her to counseling
because, as the baby of four
and with the others gone from home already
I did not want to have to live with her
as that very irritable teen that she had become. 
It is too late now for regrets;
we can look only forward to each tomorrow
and make the best of each new day
while living today as best we can.

Barbara
aka Babs_10),
Susan's Mom written for Susan