These are some of the untitled poems that were written when I was 14 and 15.
My body grows to ice
As the chill settles in.
My mind is froze in a frame of time,
Just as any other painful moment.
Another day, another way,
Another lie to weave into the truth.
Another sick, sad, attempt,
Just a little more effort from you.
The salty water flows,
The tears from my eyes.
Reality is for people who have no escape,
Reality is for people like me.
Save me, safety.
Ignore my every word.
Black-hearted angel,
You attempt to gain control.
Confusion builds to a blinding sheild.
I don't know my way through these lies.
I cannot see through this childish behavior.
I cannot see to your mind.
My body grows colder.
I'm vulnerable, brittle,
Breakable to anyone.
Make no attempt,
I am broken allready.
Why do I waste my thoughts,
Why do I waste my time on you?
I know better than to believe in one more chance.
You shouldn't waste your time with me.
Is everything allright where you're concerned?
Is your world building up?
As I have these dreams in my head,
My world tumbles around me.
I'm lost in this chaos of emotions,
Twisting, wrapping, stabbing my heart.
I'm plumeting into the deep pits of depression,
If only you could pull me out.
This pain that I've worn for many years now,
Has warped to a deathly weight.
Everything brings me down,
Including ideas of you.
Never will we be again.
Not from my choice this time,
But a decision by you.
Don't talk behind my back.
Say your words to my face.
I don't believe in friendship.
You only get stabbed in the back anyways.
Talk to me as though you know me.
Go on, I dare you.
Think that you know exactly who I am?
You don't even know my name.
Judge me by a quick glance.
If you look too long, I may turn you to stone.
Damn fool.
Learn before you mock.
The only evil in me is from people like you.
Take away my innocence,
But you cant take away my pride.
I sit alone in my room,
And anticipate our future.
I stare at my wrists, but turn away,
The scars make my body tremble.
All of this cames from being beaten.
You beat me, then I harm myself.
These scars are my battle wounds,
But I am not proud of what they mean.
They stand for my psychological difficuties.
The psycological problems you've caused.
Keep away from me, I beg you,
But only when your eyes have that icy flash.
If they don't, I love your heart.
You hold me closely in your arms.
I only feel love towards you..
I only feel fear towards you..
The pain sinks in once again.
You came to me with your loving soul,
You left me with blood on your hands.
I sit in the corner crying in my hands.
My tears streamed down my face forming rivers.
The rivers flooded my face,
Along with the blood and the pain.
But the strangest thing is,
My heart hurts more than anything else...
The stars above shine down upon me,
They make me feel safe, free.
They remind me of you, how you have shined on me.
You make me feel safe, you set me free.
The stars in my life are but only one, you.
The moon shines above, luminating all below,
Casting an eerie glow upon our pacing bodies.
We search, for our souls to ignite this fire,
But we have become lost in our own problems.
You begin to ignore me...I feel lost.
Pathetic is not what I feel, but much worse.
I feel as if I need you to live...I am now dependent.
When independency is all that I want,
And it seems as though I've never had it.
Depending on sharp objects, others words, and you...
I put my head down, realizing I shouldn't be here.
The world has too many dependent people, one more is not needed.
I think I shall spare this world my insignifagance.
As the stars and moon shine, my knife becomes a light,
Giving off the illumination sent from above.
I shake, what fear enters my heart as I lift my arm.
My skin is soft, and waiting to erupt with my blood.
I slowly run the blade along my wrist, tracing a path.
Then it's retraced, slicing through my flesh.
I gasp in pain, but I cannot stop.
I trace it again, three more times after.
My blood flows, steadily and increasing..
So, this is the way that I die, I leave this world.
My flesh turns white, I am seeing black,
I pass out, but I will never wake.
I will die, lying in a feild, under the stars and the moon.
I am emotionally unbalanced,
My mind sometimes filled with joy,
But always subjegated by my depression.
Strange actions occur with my thoughts,
These thoughts which were gone for but a short time.
I hide in my room, my holy ground hidden from others.
I am locked away in this seclusion, fearful of others,
Their actions, their words, just their looks even.
Ban me from eating, until others force me to.
I haven't cut for a short while, and hope that I don't.
Deep inside, I can feel the urge to, the need to grow,
I am trying to hold strong though, keep my sanity.
How hard it is becoming, how hard to keep myself alive.
I hold tight to the knife, debating what I should do,
Then scream, and thrust it across the room.
I fall to my knees and cry into my hands,
My mind, body, and soul, all deathly weak,
All pushing me to the edge as I struggle in battle to suvive.
My heart thuds in my chest, trying to break free.
Tears flood my face, fear floods my mind,
My heart is confused with idea's of love, lust, and hatred.
I am lost in a pool of my problems, and everything brings me down.
The love that I need, that I crave for is not present,
And I am not sure that it ever will be.
I have lost most confidence in myself, in my actions, and ideas.
I have but little faith in the thought that I'll be living long.
Not from my sinful, thoughtless suicide,
But by my actions to myself, and others around me.
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath.
This pathetic little life I've lived is but a lie.
No love for me, no truth for me, no liberation from this pain.
What lies are spoken to me, when I desire truth,
But I am psychologically weak, and the truth would break me more.
Everyone just discards me in this world; in this life.
I live among the shadows; the darkness acts as my only friend.
It shelters me from the light, from those in the light.
I shake; my body quivers in fear of all around me.
Then I collapse to the ground, and madness swirls around me,
And I weep, for just the thought that my depression I cannot escape.
Do not tempt me;
I am weak enough.
Do not push me;
I am at the edge allready.
Dominate me;
Make me feel like a lesser being.
Abuse me;
Being harmed has become an obsession.
Use me;
When you are through, shove me aside.
Break apart my soul;
Shatter every hope and dream that I have.
Beat me;
Bruise me and make me bleed.
Cut my life short;
You've allready killed my soul.
My mind won't work correctly;
It leads me only to pain.
Satisfy yourself;
Satisfy me needs as well.
I need to be dominated,
To be abused and used.
I need to be beat,
To bleed and feel pain.
My needs are my obsessions
That I cannot control.
My needs are part of me,
And perhaps they always will be.
Nobody can touch you.
You are in a higher league now.
Forget the past in the moment,
And neglect the truth for your mere pleasure.
You won't listen because we're in a lower class.
You won't speak because we have no other friends.
Unsociable we are.
That is not how you want it to be.
Let's all make up rumors and I'll watch in the wake.
Hear my name mentioned and fury builds within.
I cannot show my detestment for these lies.
Only a series of angry red cuts prove my anger.
What happened to our circle?
Broken by an arrangement of insignifficant lies.
Nothing should've been wrong.
If only you had an ounce of common sense.
I've always been here, generous to you.
You always took, and refused to give.
I'm not sorry that I am not a member of high class society.
I've no need to apologize for my anti-social tactics.
Although we use to be "best friends" before,
Or so you had said,
We aren't even speaking now.
I'll be your friend still though when they leave you,
Then you can use me again.
Here are some stuff that I wrote at the age of 16.
Invisible to you.
The world passes by.
Life goes on just the same.
Do you still wish you could die?
Confide in me,
I am a mentor to you.
I help you always when you're in need,
And you pretend to actually care.
Ask me always how I feel,
What my opinions may be.
Put up with me from obligation.
You do not need to be near me.
If it's what you want,
Simply stay away.
You've made a lovely bed to lye in.
Cushioned by your new classy friends.
I'm rather useless to you now.
You believe you've found your place.
I wish I could say I was happy for you,
But I do not like to lie.
Not angry, disappointed.
You had spoke down on them,
Yet they are now you're closest friends.
It's too late for hoping, I've realized.
Stay where you are,
You're newly discovered life.
Remember, they use to think you were trash,
I never did...
Not good enough for you.
Not good enough for anybody.
Unworthy of your love.
Unworthy of the air I breath.
My heart will ache,
Though life goes on.
Further...
No meaning as always.
Trouble me once again.
Cause my eyes to be
Vague once more.
I am alone.
I am cold.
The shaking begins.
It’s starting again.
I’m down another time.
I was doing alright
I cannot understand
What has changed me tonight...
I bare my wounds to you,
Though there is nothing you can do.
My heart is shattered.
My mind, displaced.
I feel like a stranger again.
No more life.
No more meaning to me.
The sky holds new limits
As it collapses downward.
I am flailing backwards
Into my open grave.
I have nothing to save me now.
I feel your lips,
Your gentle touch.
The fiery caress
That I crave so much.
My heart aches,
And my mind grows numb.
To be connected with you,
You make me succumb.
Needs felt so deep within.
To shudder under your power.
To feel the passion in your eyes,
When my soul you do devour.
As though meant to be one,
We move in harmony.
Constructing our own world
Of pure ecstacy.
When I open my eyes,
You’re nowhere in sight.
So I pull my knees to my chest,
And cry the rest of the night.
I have moved on to 17. There wasn't much written when I was 16, was there?
No longer in depression.
Pulled out by your hands.
Helped by your giving nature,
Rescued by your love.
Close to six feet under,
Now I sore the skies.
With you, right by my side.
I can now open my eyes.
I see what I was missing.
This thing called happiness.
All I needed was to find you,
And these prescription pills.
Safe, and secure.
Dragged from the blackness
To the open sky of stars,
And luminous moon.
No more blood
Or freshly carved wounds.
I no longer see my daily death,
All I can see is you.
I HATE HIM
WISH HE WOULD DIE
UNAWARE OF HIS OWN MISTAKES
SUCH A FILTHY BASTARD
MURDERING WITHOUT INTENT
CHILD’S KNOW IT ALL MIND.
DIRTY PLOTS, DIRTY DEEDS.
SLOWLY KILLING PURITY.
FUCKING RAPIST.
CLEANSE YOURSELF
IN THE INNOCENCE OF OTHERS
AND HAVE NO REMORSE.
LOVE THEN PRETEND TO HATE.
HATE YOURSELF?
OF COURSE NOT.
THINK YOU’RE A GREAT PERSON.
SUCH A BAD BAD BOY,
STEALING INNOCENCE.
FUCKING WHORE!
I want mine back . . .
Children, children
Please behave.
Your mama never taught you
To at this way.
It’s a dreadful feeling
To struggle day to day,
Sometimes I just want to
Push it all away.
But that won’t happen,
With my prayer and all.
Your wonderful Lord
Would rather see me fall.
So what do I do now?
Who could I call?
A little too angry,
Oops! Another hole in the wall.
A moment of peace.
Was I really happy?
Yes, I think I was,
But you stole that from me.
Self-centered bitch,
Why couldn’t you see?
She’ll be damn lucky
To grow more than a baby.
If he ever touches her,
I’m coming after you.
He shouldn’t feel left out though,
I’m going to get him too.
Don’t believe me?
You know what to do
If you really want to know
If what I say is true.
2-10-2003
Stop while you’re ahead.
I know better than to think you will.
Everything about you makes me sick.
You know how you make me feel.
I want to tear you apart,
Rip your iced heart from your chest.
Show who you truly are to the world,
Show the world who you are to me.
I’m going to tear you down.
I’ll never forgive you.
I won’t let you get off easily.
I’m not going to listen to everybody else.
I know who you are inside.
I know who you made me.
Scapegoat, you’re my scapegoat.
You are who you are cause you are.
I’m allowed to blame you.
I’m not the only one who does.
Pretend that you are different,
You’ve grown up somehow.
I can see through you, however,
Through your web of lies.
I know you’ll never change.
Email me: flames_child@angelfire.com
