THE MORNING AFTER
The Morning After
i lie here in the hotel room, staring at the ceiling as i often do after nights like last night. i roll over, my eyes falling upon her pale face as she sleeps. she was so innocent. why did i have to choose her? come to think of it, why did i have to choose any of them?
i can't look at her and return to my former position on my back, my gaze focusing on the dizzying white ceiling above me. i try to envision the other girls, but all their faces seem to melt together in an abysmal haze. why can't i ever remember what they look like? why did i feel the need to use them and leave them broken?
i know why. i do this because it's the only way i can alleviate this gut-wrenching loneliness that clings to every fiber of my being and almost consumes me. i mean, everywhere i go girls are throwing themselves at me, and it gets hard to resist after a while. i don't even remember the first time i broke down, but i love the feeling that comes with it, even if it doesn't last long.
i hear a soft sigh next to me, and i roll over to look at her for the second time this morning. she smiles, and i cringe. what's her name again?
melanie? no, that was the last one.
rochelle? no, she fell between morgan and jennifer.
lacey? no, she was the one who actually turned me down. smart girl.
ugh! what's her fucking name? god, i'm such a jerk!
"this is it, isn't it?" her feeble voice cuts the silence like a knife.
i just stare at her. i'm so emotionless, empty, and numb; i don't even know what to say. i catch her soft, green eyes with my own, and i can almost feel the tears pushing at the back of my eyelids. her innocence is gone, and she looks so frightened. i did that.
"is this it?" she asks again. she is silently pleading with me to say no; i can see it in her face. but i can't do that because i know that in a few minutes i will walk out of this room, and her face will fall into that blank mass that i have accumulated over the last six months. what is her name?
"i knew it," she says. her voice is cold now, devoid of all emotion. she hates me. "you'll walk out of here, and you will never think about me again. the next time i see you, you won't even recognize me. but i'll think about this everyday for the rest of my life, and i'll always regret it."
lisa! ugh! no, that's not it either.
gwen? shit! who the hell is gwen? i don't even remember a gwen!
aha! amber! how could i have forgotten that? it's such a common name.
well, amber is right. i will leave here, and i won't ever be able to pick her face out of a crowd or feel that pang of familiarity when i see her again. but the guilt will always rest here in the pit of my stomach, eternally eating away at me until i cannot possibly feel any worse. i have let myself become a callous, selfish person, and i have broken countless hearts because of my need to end this aching loneliness and to be loved. god, i'm an asshole!
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