Author's Note: This story answers the November 2002 challenge, to write a story in which Iolaus has to explain the "facts of life" to someone. Can you tell I'm a child of the 80's?
“Herc, would you come on already? The weekend isn’t getting any longer, you know.”
Iolaus stood impatiently with his hands on his hips as he waited for his friend to catch up. The blond cadet was hungry, and it was an unforgivable sin that Hercules was dragging his feet when a hot, home cooked meal was waiting for them.
“This weekend is going to be plenty long enough,” the demigod grumbled as he stomped past his friend. Iolaus grinned and fell in line beside Hercules.
“You never know,” he said brightly. “Maybe you’ll like the guy.”
That did it. As was intended, the blond’s words instigated a rant. One that was comparatively mild, but out of character for the usually diplomatic demigod.
“Feel better now?” Iolaus asked when his partner calmed down. Hercules had been in a rotten mood ever since Alcmene’s message had come three days prior, and the blond was hoping that getting things off his chest would help to make for a more pleasant journey. After all, it was still a fair piece to Thebes.
“No,” Hercules sulked. “I mean, just what is my Mother thinking? First it was the hired help last solstice. And now I have to spend my weekend at home because she wants me to meet Rhadamanthys. Whoever in Tartarus that is. I just can’t understand what is going on with her.”
“Herc,” the blond began, slinging an arm around his friend’s shoulder. “I know you’re a disgustingly nice guy and all, but surely you can’t be that clueless.”
“Just what are you implying?” The demigod shot his companion a murderous look.
“I know you don’t want to think about it, but your mom is a beautiful woman. And I know she’s your mom, but that doesn’t make her any less of a woman.”
“Stop it right there!” Hercules held up his hand, knocking the blond’s arm from his shoulder, before striding briskly ahead down the road.
Iolaus began jogging to keep up with his agitated friend.
“Denying it doesn’t make it any less true,” he continued. “It’s the simple facts of life.”
“Who invited you along anyway?” the demigod snapped, covering his ears with his hands.
“You did, and this is why, so you might as well listen to me. Your mom’s devoted all her time to you and Iphicles. Now that he’s left home and you’re away at the Academy, you can’t blame her for looking out for herself.”
“Iolaus, it’s my mother,” Hercules burst out. “I can’t think about her...” The demigod’s voice dropped to a whisper and he turned a shade of scarlet as he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
“Ever the gentleman,” the blond muttered. “Honestly, Herc, I don’t know where you get these hang-ups from. Alcmene certainly isn’t that repressed.” Iolaus quickly checked his words as his friend sent him a strong warning glance. “I mean, she’s just trying to live her life. She’s all alone now, and there’s nothing wrong with her wanting some company. Don’t you think she deserves to be happy?”
“Of course she does, but...”
“No ‘buts’,” Iolaus said firmly. “You can either walk in that door tonight sulking and make the weekend miserable for everybody, or you can just accept that your mother is a person with feelings and emotions like everyone else and give her a little credit. If she likes this Rhadamanthys guy, then that should be good enough for you, and you should be happy for her.”
“I can’t be happy for her until I make sure this guy is good enough for her,” the demigod insisted.
“Herc, hate to break it to you, but nobody is ever going to be good enough for her in your eyes. You’re just going to have to find a way to let it go.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Hercules muttered. “I just never thought I’d have to deal with my mother... dating.”
“The world never seems to be living up to your dreams,” Iolaus told him sagely. “Life is unpredictable. Good things happen, and bad things happen. All you can do is enjoy the good things and hope they outweigh the bad. If this man is a good thing for Alcmene, just let her be happy and don’t spoil it for her.”
“I know you’re right,” the demigod sighed. “I don’t know why I get like this.”
“Because you love her and you want to protect her. And she feels the same way about you. But, although she probably wanted to, Alcmene didn’t lock you in the house to keep you safe. She let you go out into the world to experience it for yourself, and she trusted you to make the right decisions. So, you have to do the same for her now.”
“I’ll try,” Hercules promised reluctantly, after a period of silence. He sighed again, running a hand over his face wearily. “The facts of life really shouldn’t apply to parents.”
“They apply to everything,” Iolaus grinned. “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life. It takes a lot to get them right.”
“All right, I’m going to agree with you just to shut you up.” But the demigod met his friend’s grin with one of his own. “Come on. Mother will have dinner ready and she’ll have both our heads if we’re late.”
“We can’t have that now.” The blond increased his pace and fell silent for a minute, then turned to his partner with a wicked smile. “You know, Herc, maybe you wouldn’t get so frazzled about this subject if you knew just exactly what the facts of life entailed.”
“I know about the facts of life, thank you very much,” Hercules bristled.
“You might know about them, but you don’t *know* them. Unless something happened with Cyane that you never told me about?”
“No,” the demigod replied, beginning to blush once more. “Maybe it would have, if you didn’t always interrupt us every time I tried to kiss her.”
“Oh please,” Iolaus snorted. “She’s an Amazon queen. A starving man can’t gorge himself on a haunch of venison. You have to start slow, and build up to that. Although, you’ve been starving for a long time....”
“I’m waiting for the right girl,” Hercules announced defensively, stopping in his tracks.
“I know.” The blond softened his teasing. “And that’s a good thing. It’s who you are, and one of the things I love about you.”
Placated, the demigod resumed walking, turning over his friend’s words in his mind. Finally, he glanced over at his partner, the blush creeping back to his cheeks.
“Well, aren’t you going to tell me?” he asked, a bit shyly. “You know. About the facts of life?”
“I already told you everything.”
“No, not about your... conquests. Tell me what they are really all about.”
Iolaus sighed, his curls tumbling about his shoulders as he gave a slight shake of his head. It was hard to believe sometimes that his modest friend was really related to the gods. He didn’t take after Aphrodite, that was for sure.
“Well, Hercules, someday you’ll find out the facts of life are all about you. When you meet the right girl that is.” Iolaus became lost in thought, a dreamy smile playing about his lips as many sweet memories came back to him.
“Never mind,” Hercules said quickly, all too familiar with his friend’s lascivious mind. “I’ll just find out for myself when the time comes to take that journey. Come on, let’s just go to my mother’s.”
Iolaus followed, still enraptured by his blissful memories.
“And what a legendary journey it is.”
Finis
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between Iolaus’ wisdom and a tv theme song is purely intentional.
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