How Many Friends

May 2000 Challenge - Use the following in a story


How many friends have I really got, That love me, that want me, that'll take me as I am - "How Many Friends" - The Who

"I can’t believe Typhon and Echidna have had another child already. It’s only been, what, a year?”

"Try two,” Hercules told his companion.

“I wonder what this one looks like,” Iolaus mused.

“I just hope it’s as friendly as Obie.” Hercules was still bothered by the fact that he’d been forced to slay the children of the pair that he now called “friends”.

“And I just hope Echidna made some of her famous ale soaked honey cakes.”

As the heroes continued down the road to Dronos, they came upon a lone man waiting in the middle of the road. Iolaus exchanged a glance with Hercules. This guy looked totally harmless, but with half of Greece after their heads, you could never be too careful.

“Hercules?” the man inquired, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

“I’m Hercules,” the demigod affirmed. “What can I do for you?”

“There goes the party at Dronos,” Iolaus muttered under his breath, envisioning a warlord or angry god terrorizing another helpless village.

“You can come back to Tiryns with me,” the stranger announced.

“Any special reason?” Hercules asked.

“I’m making you my prisoner,” the man told them, making himself as imposing as his short, stocky stature would allow. Iolaus doubled over with laughter, and even the stoic Hercules couldn’t hide a grin of bemusement at this milquetoast’s attempts to seem menacing. “Will you come quietly?” he shouted over the hunter’s mirth, angry at not being taken seriously.

“I’m sorry,” Hercules told him as soberly as he was able. “But we’re expected in Dronos.”

“Yeah, maybe some other time,” Iolaus offered, starting himself off on a new wave of giggles.

The little man was used to being tossed aside and treated as nothing, but something snapped inside of him as he became the butt of the joke one time too often. With a loud yell, he attacked the demigod. The sight of the guy swinging wildly at air as Hercules held him at arms’ length by the head was too much for Iolaus to bear. He fell to the ground, screaming with laughter, until the tears streamed down his face and he was gasping for breath.

“Look, friend,” Hercules tried reason with the stranger. “I don’t know why you’d want to make me your prisoner, but why don’t you just go back to Tiryns and we’ll just forget this whole thing.”

The man’s shoulder’s slumped in defeat and he turned to walk away, but after a few paces he turned back to his quarry.

“We could’ve done this the easy way,” he said sadly, producing a glowing red egg and dashing it at the ground in front of Hercules. As the egg shattered, a cloud of red mist exploded into the air, covering the demigod as he tried, in vain, to jump clear. Iolaus immediately stopped laughing and in three strides he had the man backed up against a tree, his sword to his throat.

“What did you do to him?” he demanded, looking over his shoulder at his friend. Hercules was wearing a look of horror behind the glowing red tinge that coated his skin.

“I don’t know,” the man stammered, certain that the next sight he’d see would be Charon’s boat. The hunter wasn’t any bigger than he was, but he was strong and was wearing a very firm Nobody-Messes-With-My-Partner expression. The sword pressed even tighter against his throat, and he knew he’d better do some fast explaining.

“The woman I love is about to marry another,” he began babbling. “So I went to the temple at Delphi to consult with the oracle and see if there was anything I could do to get her to change her mind. He told me that if I brought back Hercules as my prisoner, then she would respect me and think I was a hero.”

“He!” Iolaus exclaimed. “What are you talking about? The oracle is a woman.”

“He can’t be,” the man protested. “He had a dark beard.”

“Ares,” the hunter spat, suddenly becoming aware of what was going on.

“Ares is the oracle at Delphi?”

“No, you idiot! Ares was using you to get to Hercules. Now what was that thing you threw at him?”

“I don’t know,” the man repeated, looking as if he were about to cry. “He just said that it would make Hercules come back with me. He promised me no one would be hurt.” Iolaus resisted the urge to crack the moron’s skull open like a melon and lowered his sword.

“Get out of here,” he said disgustedly. “Hurry up, before I change my mind.”

“I’m sorry,” the man called over his shoulder as he went speeding down the road. Iolaus sheathed his sword and went over to where Hercules was sitting.

“Don’t touch me,” the demigod warned, holding out his hand to stop the hunter’s approach.

“You know what this is,” Iolaus said. It was a statement, not a question. Hercules was definitely scared, and that alone was enough to terrify his companion. He knew this was major.

“It was a cockatrice egg,” the demigod began, wishing he hadn‘t been so quick to dismiss the stranger as a threat.

“A what?”

“It’s a nasty little thing,” Hercules explained. “Head of a cock, wings of a fowl, the tail of a dragon, and blood red.”

“Who was the wacko that came up with that one? Wait, don’t tell me. Hera.”

“Right. It’s also equipped with a barb at the end of it’s tail. The sting of a cockatrice causes the flesh to melt off the bones.”

“And the eggs?” Iolaus asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“Pretty much the same thing, only a lot slower.” Hercules looked at the red glow ominously emanating from his skin and tried not to panic. “The only way to reverse the effects is to kill the cockatrice.”

“So, where do we find this thing?”

“Deep inside Mt. Cithaeron.” The ray of hope that had blossomed inside Iolaus when Hercules spoke of a cure quickly died. Rumor had it that no one who’d entered Mt. Cithaeron had ever come out alive. But he tried not to let his worry show through his calm façade.

“Well, it’s a long way off, so we’d better get moving. I, for one, am not anxious to follow you around picking up parts.”

“Some friend you are,” Hercules retorted as they began their journey.

“Although on the other hand, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would pay good dinars for a genuine Hercules ear.”

“You‘ve been spending way too much time with Salmoneus.”

“I’m just getting in my shots while I can. Usually I’m the one turning up odd colors or covered in mud, and you never let me live it down.”

“Sorry, Iolaus, but if you want to play the Who’s Had the Worst Time Of It game, you know I’ll always beat you. At least you’ve never been turned into a pig.”

“Ok,” the hunter conceded. “You’ve got me there.”

“So, what do you think? Do I look good in red?”

They had been joking to relieve the tenseness of the situation, but that quickly stopped as Hercules began feeling the effects of the poison. It started as a minor irritation, but grew worse as they traveled until he felt like his skin was on fire. Just a few miles from the mountain, he finally collapsed, wracked with searing pain. Iolaus helplessly stared at the bleeding fissures spreading over his friend’s face and torso beneath the evil red glow and was torn between continuing the journey or staying with his tortured partner.

“Iolaus, I don’t want you to do this,” Hercules said, reading the hunter’s mind.

“I have to, Herc. It’s not an option.”

“It’s too dangerous. You could be killed.”

“That pretty much sums up every day of my life,” Iolaus reminded him with a gentle smile.

“No, I won‘t let you risk your life.”

“I’d like to see you try and stop me,” the hunter said stubbornly. “Herc, I’m not about to sit here and watch you die when there’s something I could do about it. Not after all we’ve been through together. How many friends would do the things for me that you’ve done? How many friends would go down to the underworld and bail my butt out when I get myself killed? This is my chance to pay you one back for the fifty times you’ve saved me.”

Hercules knew he’d never be able talk Iolaus out of doing this once his mind was made up. And he certainly didn’t have the strength to stop him. He just hoped saving his life wasn’t about to cost the hunter his own.

“Pull this off, Iolaus, and we’ll call it even.”

“Deal. Now just tell me where to find this thing.” Hercules told him all he knew and Iolaus quickly prepared himself for his quest. “Hang on, Herc. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Iolaus,” Hercules said, using his last ounce of strength. “Be careful.” As unconsciousness finally set in, giving him a respite from the intense pain, Iolaus gave his friend one final look.

“You’ll be all right, Herc,” he whispered, blinking back the moisture welling in his eyes and wondering if he ever would see the demigod alive again. It was agony to have to leave him alone in this state, but Iolaus gathered up his supplies and turned and ran for the mountain, knowing there was no time to lose.

Hercules had told him that the entrance to the deepest part of the mountain was behind the waterfall that cascaded down it’s side. He found the waterfall easily enough, but the entrance was another story.

“He’s got to be kidding me,” Iolaus said out loud, staring at the “entrance” that was nothing more than a tiny crevice in the rock. Sighing, he crouched and began squeezing his way through the small opening. It was a tight fit, and he was convinced that if he’d had even one of Echidna’s honey cakes, he wouldn’t have fit at all. He didn’t know how Hercules would’ve gotten in, but then again, he had the means to widen the crevice very quickly.

To his relief, the crack opened up into a cave after just a few feet, and he soon spied a tunnel leading farther into the mountain. He followed it for what seemed like days, beginning to wonder if it ever had an end. His torch was burning lower and lower until it finally burnt itself out, but Iolaus could see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As he got closer and closer, the light grew brighter and brighter until he had to shut his eyes against the brilliance. Still the light grew brighter as he pressed onward, burning through his eyelids.

“Herc forgot to mention this,” he mumbled, taking off his vest and using it to cover his eyes. Even through the cloth, the light was still blinding. Iolaus tried to concentrate and call to mind his eastern teachings. “One does not need the eyes to see,” he told himself. He called upon all his other senses to guide him, and began moving forward. Iolaus knew he was entering a large cavern, and the rock beneath his feet was replaced with a smooth surface. There were large, stationary objects protruding all around him, and it was going to take all of his skill to maneuver around them. His rush got the better of him, and he bumped into one of the structures, which was razor sharp and sliced a nick into his forearm. “Focus,” he hissed to himself, stopping to regain his concentration before continuing onward. It was an extremely slow process and took hours, but he was finally able to make it through the cavern without impaling himself on anything or going mad from the brilliance of the light that was threatening to destroy his sanity. Ahead he could sense welcome darkness, but he knew it would not be welcome for long after he caught up with the cockatrice. Taking out his sword, he swung at the large structure closest to the end of the cavern and was rewarded with a splintering sound. Groping on the ground, his hand closed on a large chunk of the object he’d shattered. Gingerly, he picked it up, trying to avoid cutting himself on the sharp edges, and hastily exited the illuminated cavern.

Once he had left the blinding light far behind him and the spots had stopped dancing before his eyes, Iolaus examined the object he’d picked up. It was a piece of crystal, glowing softly and casting an easy luminescence around the tunnel where he sat. This small piece provided him with a gentle light, but a cavern full of the massive crystals had shone with the radiance of a hundred suns. Patiently, he scraped his find against the rough rock of the tunnel wall until the razor edges were dulled and he could handle it without bodily injury. Using his crystal to light the way, Iolaus once more began moving quickly down the tunnel. This was all taking way too long and he knew Hercules was running out of time.

Finally, the tunnel came to a dead end and Iolaus was perplexed until he spied another tiny crevice. “Not again,” he moaned, trying to peer into the crack. This one was even smaller than the other one he’d had to squeeze through. “There is no way I’m fitting through here,” he protested, but he knew he had to try. He couldn’t go back to his best friend and tell him he failed. Sighing, he slid the length of rope off his shoulder and tied it securely to the satchel he’d been carrying, which contained the “secret weapon” they’d gotten at the last town they’d passed. He then unbuckled his sword scabbard and fastened it around the rope as well. Making a noose out of the other end of the rope, Iolaus slid it around his waist and tightened the knot. It was going to be a very tight fit through this crevice, and he was going to have to drag his cargo behind him as he slithered through.

He also needed both hands to pull himself along, so he was at a loss over what to do with the crystal. Iolaus really didn’t relish the thought of pushing himself through that tiny space in the pitch dark, so he was loath to put the light into the satchel. Finally, he ended up tearing off a strip of the cloth that cushioned the contents of the satchel. He tied the strip tightly around the crystal fragment, and then tied the ends around his head. As he began to squirm into the crevice, he was at least comforted to see that the shard sticking up from his head illuminated the space before him.

“Salmoneus would go nuts over this,” he chuckled to himself. “I can see him now, pitching it to miners. ‘No more suffering in the dark during those pesky cave-ins. With Salmoneus’ patented night vision tiara, you’ll always have a light to look at the rocks trapping you in.” The rocks of the mountain were doing their best to trap the hunter in, but with a mighty push he managed to wriggle his way out of the crevice into another cavern.

“I should be about ready to pop out of the other side of this damn mountain by now,” he grumbled, dropping his supplies and stretching broadly, relieved to be out of the cramped space. Looking around him, he saw that the immense cavern was dotted with many small caves, most of them issuing a slight red glow. “Must be getting close,” he thought to himself, drawing his sword and advancing on the cave nearest him. He peered inside, and his heart sank. Dozens and dozens of the eggs that had stricken Hercules were nestled within the cave, giving off their ominous red light. He checked more of the caves, and in each one he found the same thing. The entire cavern was just a huge nest site for thousands of the deadly eggs.

“Ok,” Iolaus tried to comfort himself. “The cockatrice can’t be far away. Once I kill it, hopefully these will go with it.” He desperately hoped he was right, as he didn’t know how else he would dispose of them if he were wrong. “Sure hope they aren’t close to hatching,” he whispered, gripping his sword tighter. If they were, he would not be making it out of the mountain alive.

The hunter paused as he checked the next cave, hearing the faint sound of water running. With extreme caution, he tiptoed his way passed the eggs scattered around the cave. This one was larger than the others, and extended much farther back. Iolaus followed it a short distance until he came to a small spring bubbling up among the rocks. As he knelt beside the shallow pool it formed, immersing his hands in the cool water, preparing to relieve his parched throat, he heard a faint flutter of feathers behind him. Spinning around, he found himself face to face with the cockatrice.

It was a whole lot bigger than your average chicken, but considerably smaller than many of the other monsters that they had been up against. But as it raised the serpentine tail with the evil looking barb and hissed at the intruder before it, Iolaus knew he was up against something extremely dangerous. He also realized, as he cursed his stupidity, that he had left the one object that was fatal to the creature in his satchel out in the cavern.

Iolaus held his sword ready, and the two stared at each other for long moments. Then, without warning, the tail flashed out toward him. He barely made it out of the way in time, feeling the breeze as the deadly appendage flew by him. The hunter rolled on the ground and leapt back up, just in time to dodge another blow. He wasn’t going to last long at this game if he couldn’t get back to the cavern. The cockatrice lashed out again, screeching angrily.

“Come on, you big...chicken,” he taunted, trying to maneuver his way behind the creature to the entrance of the cave that would lead him back to the cavern. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been up against one of your kind. We beat her, and you’re a lot smaller.” But meaner, he added to himself, rolling away from another attack. He never thought anything could be meaner than Discord, even before she’d turned into a chicken, but this creature was certainly giving her a run for the dinars. “Too bad Autolycus isn’t here for this one” he weakly joked to himself, thinking of Hercules telling him that weasels were immune to cockatrice venom and thus were able to kill the beasts.

A well placed flick of the tail at his sword sent it flying from his hand. At the same time, a huge taloned foot raked across his chest, sending him sprawling backwards as pain erupted from the gashes it left. As the creature screamed and advanced to finish him off, Iolaus desperately groped the ground beside him until his hand closed around his sword. He cut the tail off in mid strike, inches from his body, and his return swing sliced through the monster’s repulsive head.

Iolaus was up and running before the severed head even hit the ground, trying to ignore the blood that was pouring out of his chest. Even though he had decapitated the beast, he knew that hadn’t been enough to kill it. He just hoped it would slow the cockatrice down enough to allow him to get to the satchel. Weakness brought on by blood loss was already threatening him, and as he stumbled through the cave he could not help stepping on some of the eggs that littered the floor. Red mist enveloped him, but he didn’t care. If he could only get into the cavern, he could defeat the monster and it wouldn’t matter.

As he burst out of the cave, Iolaus heard a scream of rage, signaling that the cockatrice was once again whole. He was almost there, but his vision had begun to blur and his thoughts were becoming cloudy. The hunter fell to his knees and crawled the remaining few yards to his salvation as the creature came at him in a fury. With shaking hands, he snatched the mirror out of the satchel, shaking off the cloth that had been cushioning it, and turned toward the beast, bracing himself for the final lash of the tail. But it never came.

The sight of it’s reflection proved fatal to the cockatrice. With a deafening shriek, it and all it’s eggs disappeared in a brilliant explosion of light. Iolaus lay on the cold rock for a long time, sure that he had been permanently blinded, listening to the scream of the beast echo through his ears. When the red finally faded from his vision, it was replaced by utter blackness. Without the beast, the eggs, or the crystal that he had dropped, the hunter had been left in total darkness. That didn’t worry him as much as did the blood pooling on the ground under him. The talons that had slashed his chest had done a good job. Any lower, and he would have been disemboweled. As it was, he knew he stood little chance of making it back to the outside. Or even little chance of hanging on until Hercules came in after him, assuming that demigod was even still alive. Iolaus drove that thought from his head, not even allowing himself to envision such a scenario.

He knew that he couldn’t just lie there and wait for Celesta to come for him. Iolaus was never one to give up, so he painfully pulled himself up into a sitting position, waiting for the dizziness to subside. A very faint glow was coming from the cave where he’d dropped his crystal, so he decided to try and make it that far to retrieve his light, and then he’d either make it out of this living Tartarus or die trying.

It took even longer to get back to the cave than it had to navigate through the blinding crystal cavern. Iolaus had lost consciousness twice in the short distance, and knew that didn’t bode well for his return trip. But he would not let himself give up. Summoning a strength that came from stubbornness and sheer willpower alone, he made it the rest of the way and found his discarded crystal. His hands were shaking so badly, he could barely pick the small object up. Holding it was an impossibility, so he tucked it into his belt. The small spring he’d discovered earlier was only a few feet from him, but even that miniscule distance seemed unattainable at this point. But, Iolaus knew he’d never make it without water, so he forced himself to stagger to the spring, collapsing beside it with a certain finality, not sure if he would be able to get up again.

As he tasted the few drops of water that his quaking hands could manage to bring to his mouth, Iolaus instantly realized through his pain-induced haze that this was no ordinary spring. A slight tingling sensation had begun to course through his body, taking away some of the pain and weakness. He took another drink, and the effects grew stronger. With renewed enthusiasm, Iolaus drank the water in great gulps, until his wounds had vanished completely and his strength had returned with a vengeance. He sighed gratefully, plunging his water skin into the pool and filling it with the healing water. Iolaus had been wondering why such a fearsome creature like the cockatrice had been shut away deep inside the mountain, but now he understood. It was guarding the healing spring, one more luxury that the gods were pettily trying to deny mankind. No doubt when the multitudes of eggs hatched, the hideous offspring were to be released among the unsuspecting world. Well, now that was one less godly threat that Greece wouldn’t have to worry about.

Iolaus returned to the cavern, gathered up his belongings, including the mirror that had been the monster’s downfall, and began making his way back out of the mountain. He was not looking forward to squeezing back through the tight crevices or blundering through the blinding cavern again, but the flush of success and worry for his friend drove him quickly on. Iolaus didn’t quite take the same care moving among the sharp crystals as he did the first time he’d gone through, and came out rather worse for wear. But a drink of the healing water from his flask instantly sealed all of the nicks the crystals had inflicted.

Finally, he popped through the entrance to the mountain, taking a minute to deeply breathe in the fresh clean air, enjoying the warm rays of the setting sun. Then he scrambled down to the road and set off at a brisk run back to the spot where he’d left his friend.

Iolaus soon spied the form of the demigod lying on the ground. At first he was relieved to see that the evil red glow that had been eating away at his partner was gone, but that relief soon turned to fear as he realized Hercules wasn’t moving. As he got closer, he saw why.

“By the gods,” he whispered in horror, staring down at what was left of his friend. The handsome face that had been Hercules was unrecognizable. Most of the flesh was gone, and tears began to stream out of the hunter’s eyes as he saw his friends chest rise and fall, almost imperceptibly. As much as he had hoped Hercules would still be alive, he couldn’t stand the thought of him suffering through this agony. He could only imagine the absolute torture his friend, his brother, was in.

“Hang on, Herc,” he pleaded, uncorking his wine skin and positioning it over where his friend’s lips used to be. He poured a little out, watching in desperate hope for any change. “Please don’t let it be too late,” he prayed to anyone that might be listening. “Come on, Hercules. You can do it.” He poured a little more water out, watching steam rise up from the raw wounds. Swallowing the nausea welling up in his throat, Iolaus slipped his hand behind his friends head, trying to ignore what he felt back there, and slightly lifted the demigod to a more upright position. A low, gurgled moan came from what was left of his throat.

“It’s ok, buddy,” Iolaus choked through a lump in his throat, pouring out a little more of the water. “You’ll be all right. I didn’t just go through all of that so you could die on me now.” With agonizing slowness, Iolaus sat and watched as the man who meant more to him than anyone ever had or would, was rebuilt. Before his eyes, the wounds healed and the features of the face he loved were reformed. As he swallowed the last few drops in the flask, Hercules looked up at the man who was cradling him protectively in his arms.

“I knew you could do it,” he said, pride evident in his voice.

“No you didn’t,” Iolaus shot back, the relief in his voice just as evident.

“Sure I did,” Hercules protested, struggling to sit up.

“Then what was all that ’Don’t go, Iolaus, you could be killed’ stuff?” The hunter tried to look hurt, but he couldn’t seem to hold back a grin. He jumped up and lent a hand to his partner.

“I had complete confidence in you,” the demigod told him. “I just didn’t want you to risk your neck over me.”

“As opposed to the countless times you’ve risked yours for me? Look, Herc, I don’t know what my life would be like without you in it, and I’m in no hurry to find out. But, everything turned out fine, so let’s not hash it out anymore. I’m just glad you’re back, buddy.”

“Me too,” Hercules said, clapping the hunter on the shoulder. “What do you say that we go back to town and get a room at the inn for the night?”

“Great idea,” Iolaus grinned, eyes lighting up. “If you’re paying.”

“Why should I have to pay? I’m the one the almost died today,” Hercules teasingly complained as they began the walk to the small village.

“If you only knew,” Iolaus laughed. “Besides, I’m the one that saved you. It should be your treat.”

“You’re forgetting all those time I saved you,” Hercules pointed out.

“And you’re forgetting that little deal you made with me. I pulled it off, so we’re even.”

“I was delirious with pain,” the demigod protested. “I didn’t know what I was saying.”

“Fine,” Iolaus agreed cheerfully. “I’ll pay. After the day I’ve had, I could really use a soft bed, some food, and some ale. Lots of ale. And maybe a pretty girl to listen to my heroic adventures.”

“Iolaus.” Hercules put out a hand to stop his friend. “Thank you for saving my life.” The hunter looked away, embarrassed.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked, to distract the demigod.

“I’m fine,” Hercules reassured him. “Unusually fine, considering the state I was in half an hour ago.”

“Yeah, you were a real shadow of yourself.”

“I‘m really not paying if you‘re going to start in with the bad jokes.”

“Gee, Herc. What’s eating you? Fine, be like that, it’s no skin off my nose.”

“I’m not listening.”

“Why not? Chicken?”

Hercules shook his head as they reached the inn. He held the door open for his hero, knowing that somehow he would get stuck paying the bill, and not minding it a bit. After all, Iolaus had earned it.


Disclaimer: Despite Salmoneus’ best efforts, the Night Vision Tiaras never really did catch on.


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