Author’s Note: Fulfilling both my love of filking and my masochistic tendencies, I give you the first four seasons of “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” set to the soundtrack of “Les Miserables”. I own the rights to neither the show nor the musical, just combining them in a slightly warped way for a little harmless, nonprofit fun. Comments always welcome.
Look down, look down
With evil peacock eyes
Look down, look down
As his whole family dies
VALJEAN ARRESTED/VALJEAN FORGIVEN
Hercules:
They are all gone now, Iolaus
Cause of Hera’s vengeful wrath
Zeus did nothing here to stop her
My life takes a different path.
I am doomed to live in loneliness
Hera’s cursed me with this plight
I must destroy all her temples...
Iolaus:
That is right.
But my friend, don’t be so hasty
In your grieving state of mind
You forget I am your partner
Would you leave me here behind?
So Herc doesn’t want me with him
That stings a bit, it’s true
But I understand he’s hurting
So, Lycus, I’ll go with you
I have resisted many women
And I had a foolproof plan
But the She-Demon was crafty
And made a statue of this man
But Herc had gotten past his anger
And let his heart now be his guide
He made short work of the monster
And brought me back from the Other Side!
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Iolaus:
What have I done?
By Zeus, what have I done?
Become a captive in ropes
Become a dog on the run
A simple trip to the games
A short journey to Thrace
But it all went so wrong
When I tried to save face
There on the bridge, saving my hide
He thought he was helping but he wounded my pride
This was the only way to go
We made a bet I’d prove it was so
That hundred dinars will never be won
From a pit so deep that I can’t see the sun
I just wanted to one-up ol’ Herc
Now I have to escape from these jerks
Yet what would happen to this girl
If pride had not led me this way?
Those men would surely have hurt her
But I got her free
With tricks of old hunters
She was in search of Hercules
What else is new?
I promised I would keep her safe
I’ll show her I’m a hero, too
Nemesis:
I am justice, divine
There is nowhere to hide
Hera has decreed it
Iolaus dies for his pride!
Hercules:
I hear the sounds of the attack
I want to be there at his back
But not because I do not trust him
It’s only concern, due to how much I love him
And though it burns me to my soul
I’ll stand aside
If it’s the only way to ensure
Hera’s command will be denied
Nemesis:
I am a servant, not a slave
I have the right to take a stand
I refuse to take the life
Of such a brave and noble man
He and Herc are quite a pair
More like brothers than mere friends
I will leave them to their lives
But I hope we meet again!
AT THE END OF THE DAY
Iolaus:
Standing in freedom’s way is a group of rude bandits
And they’re not taking the hint that they need to back down
Not a fair fight, two to six
Yes they think they can take us out easy
Before long they are strewn
All over the ground
Don’t we at least get a thank you?
Standing in freedom’s way is this same trouble magnet
But she’s a woman in need so what else can we do?
I don’t mind fixing her wagon
That’s a real sad story she’s telling
And now Herc is vowing to help
Her husband, too
For the sake of their child
Standing in freedom’s way is my short sighted partner
I can’t get him to see he’s not thinking this through
He doesn’t have much of a plan
Cept to get both of us thrown in prison
The jailer leaves his brand
On my nose when his anger’s arisen
And it’s really not my day
With our freedom at bay
Leutis:
Standing in freedom’s way is a meaningless number
Rotting here in this cell til the end of your days
To Menus Maxius, we are slaves
And now Postera wants to see blood
Bellicus:
It’s time for the next game
Come on new slave
Hercules:
No, I’m not going to kill him
Bellicus:
Have you seen how Postera is fuming today
With her outlandish clothes and her manicured hands?
It’s because our new slave won’t give her her way
Take a look at his flayed back where my lashes land
Leutis:
Standing in freedom’s way is an inhumane system
I’ll take Gladius’ place and make a stand
We are not slaves, we have rights
I believe in the words of the new guy
We are finished with these fights
Turkos will not be the next to die
I am throwing down my knife
I will not take his life
Postera:
And now there will be no more choices before you
My rebellious slave, take your last bow
All hear this, these games will continue
You men will keep fighting
Guards, kill them both now
Hercules:
What are these men doing up here?
I’ll steal a sword and cut them down
You will give them proper burial
Iolaus:
Now come on, Herc, let’s bust out
These guys are hopeless as a cause
They forget what freedom is about
Hercules:
Then we must remind them what it’s like
On the outside where they’re free
Bellicus:
Now your friend will come with me!
Postera:
Standing in freedom’s way
Is one final showdown
And you both will comply
Because look who we’ve found
If you won’t fight, then I swear
The new slave’s friend dies while he watches
And Felicita will be earning her keep
Sleeping around
And your son becomes mine, too
Hercules:
Yes, it’s true that your wife
And your child are in danger
But if we stick to the plan we can end this once and for all
Now we’ll release all the rest of the men
To battle the guards
This regime will fall
Prisoners:
Standing in freedom’s way
Are these posturing baboons
And there’s trouble for all
When we fight them as one
We’re not animals killing for sport
It’s time to take back our freedom
These fat cats will pay
And together we will defeat ‘em
They will not get away
We’re in freedom’s way
Hercules:
I might have known you’d try to run
But this is ending here and now
You’d better call off all your soldiers
But no my victorious friends
It’s time for the bloodshed to end
This man is going to set you free
Or he will answer hard to me
Iolaus:
So get to walking that long mile
And have a great time in exile!
Felicita:
Hail to Hercules who champions free men
Gladius:
He gave me my life and my family again
Iolaus:
Nothing stands in your freedom’s way
Prisoners:
We are free today!
Hercules:
Right, Iolaus. On our way...
I DREAMED A DREAM
Xena:
There was a time when I was queen
When all of Greece
Was mine for the taking
I was the fiercest they’d ever seen
And the world was helpless
Against the war I was making
There was a time
When it all felt wrong
My heart was hard and full of rage
My soul was shroud
With blind ambition
There was a battle to be waged
A hero dead, that was my mission
He was strong and unafraid
He vowed to love and stand beside me
But my commands he disobeyed
To Hercules
He gave his loyalty
Then the mutiny came at night
For my life I ran the gauntlet
My whole world had come apart
But Herc’s head would get it back
How he turned me to his side
Is something I’ll forever wonder
He saw the good I tried to hide
And made me face my evil past
I never dreamed I’d ever see
The day they offered me forgiveness
But Iolaus is all nobility
And Hercules’ real strength is kindness
Though it is time for us to part
My new friends are ones I’ll treasure
And now I’m off for a new start
For they have both
Unchained my heart
LOVELY LADIES
Iolaus:
Here comes trouble
Raising the alarm
Anything is good in place of working on the farm
Stolen bodies
This is not a game
But we both vow to find out the culprit that’s to blame
All in memory of the late king’s name
Hercules:
Brother, Sister
I can’t believe it’s true
These are not the same two kids that years ago I knew
Waging battle
Not like them at all
I’ve got to put a stop to this before this city falls
To Poena I’ve got to pay a call
Mercenary 1:
Let’s go, my friend
It’s time to decide our lot
Rock, parchment, dagger
Mercenary 2:
Daulin! We’ll fight for his side.
Hercules:
Excuse me, guys
Mercenary 1:
You scared the crap out of us
Hercules:
I just want to know if you’ve seen anything odd out here tonight
Mercenary 2:
What do you mean?
Mercenary 1:
I’m stuck with him.
Hercules:
You guys be safe
Mercenary 2:
I have a thought
With Hercules we’ll cast our lot
Hercules:
Something’s out there
Waiting in the dark
Feasting on the bodies and I see he’s left his mark
My old friends
Are not prepared to hear
That their war is groundless and there’s bigger things to fear
They can’t see that danger’s drawing near
Iolaus:
What nonsense is this
Why did I say I’d assist
You’re just a kid, you don’t belong in a war
You should go home
Krytus:
Just help me - teach me to fight
Iolaus:
I’m telling you straight, you need to see to your mom
Herc’d say the same
Krytus:
I want to fight
Iolaus:
Herc’d say the same
Daulin:
What can I do? We have to act
Before my whole city is sacked
Iolaus:
Come on, Daulin
Don’t go round the bend
Hercules would kiss Hera before he’d screw a friend
There goes Krytus
Joining with the band
I need to find my partner before things get out of hand
Getting captured is not quite what I planned
Hercules:
Call off the troops, Iolaus is with me
Iolaus:
What’s with you, why the heck did you flee?
Jarton:
What do you mean, I’ve been here all night long
Hercules:
Come on my friend, I don’t believe you are wrong
Something’s out there, I am not alone here
Something’s out there
Jarton:
Yes my friend, the worst is true
I’m but a ghost here in front of you
My body stolen by Ares a few months before
Tricked the kids, made them start this war
Now Hercules you must end his ride
So we can cross to the other side
Hercules:
Where’s Iolaus?
Tied up in a cave.
Yes I know that, it is a trap, but my friend’s life I’ll save
Ares, Graegus
Real pains in my butt
I’ll deal with my half brother once I muzzle up his mutt
Come on buddy, we’ve got a war to stunt
Fallen soldiers
Coming here tonight
They all speak the truth
So now you must call off this fight
Daulin & Poena:
Come on, people
Throw down all your steel
We should have trusted Hercules to tell us what was real
Hercules:
Take off, Ares
Your scheme here is done
Just as long as these kids love, then war there will be none
Be at rest friends and peace be with you each and every one!
WHO AM I?
Autolycus:
They think they can catch me
But I take a different stance
That stranger who bailed me out
This man could be my chance
Why should I save his hide
I saw the way he fought
He can take those soldiers
He surely won’t be caught
But I find I am pursued
By a demigod in a bad mood
I am the hero to hundreds of peasants
They all look to me
How can I inspire them, how can they love me
If I am not free?
If I go back, I am condemned
If I keep running, I am damned!
Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to certain death
Knowing he’s about to take his final breath
Hercules will not give in
A constant reminder of my sin
Who am I?
Will my conscience ever cease to nag
About leaving him there to hold the bag
And is this jewel inside my belt
Worth all the guilt that I have felt
He saved my life
How can my freedom I gladly take
As Hercules faces the giant snake
I became a thief out of a need
To avenge my brother of another’s greed
I may rob and I may steal
But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel
Who am I?
Who am I?
Autolycus!
And so dear king, you see it's true,
Iolaus bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?
I am the King of Thieves!
COME TO ME
Alcmene:
My son, you should not fret
Over a fake imposter
Hercules:
But I can’t let my name
Be linked with one so bad
Iphicles, brother, you are not thinking
Don’t you see, you can’t continue lying
Come with me, and help me save Iolaus
Together we can make a stand by overthrowing Gorgus
Iphicles:
Rena, dear, I never meant to hurt you
Don’t you say there’s nothing that I can do
Hercules:
He’s my brother, give him another chance
He may have lied about his name but not with your romance
Iolaus:
Hercules, I will be forced to eat
Rat Tartar, if you don’t get me out
Pallaeus:
Look, you men, it’s the real Hercules
Gorgus:
Say hello, and now say goodbye
Pallaeus:
My Rena...
Iphicles:
Shall not fall in your clutches
Pallaeus:
The mandrake..
Iolaus:
Is no match for Hercules
Hercules:
Question is, what do we do with Gorgus?
Josephus & villagers:
We’ll overthrow this evil man
And freedom comes to Phlegra
Rena:
Iphicles, you are the man I do love
Iphicles:
Then I will take you home
Alcmene:
Bride to be? My dear, you are quite welcome
Iphicles:
We won’t stay away so long
Hercules:
Family is, always sooner or later
And get in here Iolaus
For you are our family, too.
CONFRONTATION
Goth:
This town is ours
Take anything you wish
As for myself
I like this lovely dish
Iolaus:
Before you hurt another soul, warlord
We’ll take you back to Athens for trial of war crimes
You killed my friend, this is something I must do
But with archers and hounds chasing hot on our heels
The Athenian army can intercede
To find the fort, that is all we need
Then we’ll be safe, a job well done
Then we’ll be safe
Goth:
You both are mad!
Your fort’s deserted, your army gone
My brother Bledar will have your heads
Heroes, you are through
Goth (in counterpoint)
Men like me can never lose
Men like you can only lose
I will dine on your livers
My brother’s come for me
You have no chance
Against such strong barbarians
I will make the history books
When you both hang from two meat hooks
Come on now sweet Elora
Go back up and get a knife
Once I’m free and they are dead
I will take you for my wife
You’re defeated, Hercules
Here comes the great Titantus
But before I join my men
I will kill your little friend
Iolaus (in counterpoint)
Charidon and the girl
We have a duty to protect them, too
We will have to make a stand
Make this fort look fully manned
We thought they would not attack
Good thing we could beat them back
But now we have a new hitch in the plan
I am serious, Hercules
I'm the sneakier man by far
I can slip right past their lines
And sabotage that thing
I tried to tell you Hercules
There is nothing I won't dare
Ok, so I did get caught
But with Goth I’ll get my shot
Hercules:
Now I suggest you sound retreat
Bledar:
There is no place for you to hide
Hercules:
Before you die right where you stand
Bledar:
You forget our catapult
Hercules:
And I will raze it to the ground
Hercules and Iolaus:
Now to Athens, with Goth in chains
CASTLE ON A CLOUD
Hades:
There is a young man in a jam
He came to me on his wedding night
You’ve got three days to make it right
And bring back the rightful guilty man
Iolaus:
It’s gonna be one of those trips
Now the kid materializes
Sisyphus wants not to die
So he sent us the wrong guy
Timeron:
There is my lady sad with grief
But in our love she does believe
Hercules:
The king is sly and he’s full of tricks
But, Sisyphus, here comes the River Styx
Hades:
Tartarus now for the king
Elysian Fields for Timeron
But I’m not blinded to his plight
Let’s give these kids their wedding night
MASTER OF THE HOUSE
Typhon:
You down below
Say if you don’t mind
Please don’t throw rocks or treat me unkind
All of the rest
Called me cruel names
I’m not a bad guy
But Hera’s to blame
Hercules:
Well, my friend, you see
Hera can’t scare me
So let me break this rock
And I’ll set you free
Typhon:
Giant on the loose
Back into the groove
Maybe not so graceful
But I’m free to move
Hercules:
Here we are in Plinth
Quiet little town
At least it will be when we calm them down
Please just do my friend a favor
He’s really a gentle soul
He’ll entertain the children
While I make your village whole
Maceus:
Friend of Hercules
Loosen up his tongue
My deadly finger torture
And his song is sung
Let’s get on the road
Hercules is mine
Smart ass has escaped us
But look here’s Hera’s sign
Hellespont is not his path now
Hercules’ buddy lied
We’ll kill them both in Plinth
For my brother’s trip to the other side
Iolaus:
Hercules, my friend
Trouble’s on the way
Let me catch some air
And then I’ll join the fray
Hercules:
I don’t know what you did
To bring down so much heat
Left hook here, right jab there
Oops, a giant’s feet
Crowd:
Everybody look at them run
Hail Hercules and his friend
Maceus:
But with the help of Hera
We will be triumphant in the end
Hercules:
Hello, my friend
Lost in a dream
I know that look
You have love’s gleam
Iolaus:
Breanna’s the best
If I can say
She seems to take
My problems away
Hercules:
Wish I could say the same
Typhon needs to know
That I am the one to blame
For his family’s woe
Kids dead by my hand
Wife sealed in her lair
The news is just too much
For Typhon to bear
Iolaus:
He didn’t have a choice
I swear to you it’s true
Typhon:
I can’t hear anymore
So just shut up, you
Hercules:
Iolaus has had a tough week
But I think he’ll be all right
Reasonably speaking
I don’t think he’s ready for a fight
Iolaus:
I don’t think so, Herc
Going without me
Is not quite the option you imagine it to be
So I’m a big mess
It is just my turn
And maybe one of these days we will chance to learn
Why we only stand against her
When one of us is worse for wear
Give me just a minute
Before we get far in it
A goodbye kiss for the maiden fair
Echidna and Typhon
What a crazy pair
Surely she’s still mad about being
Trapped in her lair
Hercules:
I don’t think she forgot
What will Typhon do?
Maceus and his men
Will be waiting, too
Iolaus:
I’ll take care of these morons
You turn Typhon to our side
Maceus:
Echidna is waiting
Kill them - Hera will not be denied
Echidna:
I used to dream
Of killing Hercules
It’s what he deserves
For murdering my babies
Mighty son of Zeus
Caused me so much pain
Champion, crusader
But it’s all in vain
A cunning little man
To seduce his mom
He pretends to love her
But he brings her harm
What a cruel trick of the Fates
Trapped me up in this lair
They might have won their freedom
But my vengeance will be felt, I swear
Hercules:
Echidna, you’re all wrong
Echidna:
I’ll break you in half
Hercules:
Don’t be Hera’s pawn
Echidna:
Now you’ll feel my wrath
Typhon:
Honey, now I’m home
Stop your evil ways
Echidna:
And just where the heck have you been all these days?
Typhon:
Hercules is not the enemy
Hera is the one to blame
Hercules:
Iolaus, our work is done
Iolaus:
And I’ve got the urge to run
Hercules and Iolaus:
We don’t want to see where she’s putting those tentacles
WALTZ OF TREACHERY
Trachis:
Man of peace, claims Amphion
But look now at the crime he has done
Killed them both, in cold blood
Sentenced to death is what I have judged
Hercules:
How can you not defend?
I will not let you come to this end
Iolaus:
Dear Leah, come to aid
And I have feelings for her I’m afraid
To Hestia, she belongs
So what I’m fantasizing is wrong
What can I do, Hercules?
Hercules:
Your feelings are not helping, friend
But I will ease your troubled soul
You must seek out a river that’s freezing cold
And your libido will be on hold
Iolaus:
Now we’ve found the right cave
But our situation turns grave
Hercules, save us please
Do your thing with that big Minotaur
Now that we have found the sword
My true love for sweet Leah outpoured
Leah:
By the way, I’ve put you on
I am betrothed unto Amphion
Iolaus, don’t be mad
Iolaus:
At least I won’t burn for those feelings I had
Hercules:
Trachis, stop! Look at me
Here is the Sword of Veracity
Tell the truth about your plan
You are framing an innocent man
Amphion:
Thank you both for your aid
And my thanks to that magical blade
LOOK DOWN
Hera:
Stand down and be a mortal not a god
Stand down because you disobeyed command
Stand down and see the one who has your job
Stand down, stand down, go wander through the land
Iolaus:
How do you do? My name's Iolaus
We need to help out, so says Herc
Nothing against it, it’s no fun
But for a girl I love to work
This is a shock, to meet the Nemesis
A former love of Hercules
It’s hard to think I once was on her list
But with her charm, she did appease
Herc’s uptight
And pent up
Go hook up, go hook up!
Gnatius:
Knock down, and I will pilfer what I can
Knock down, knock down, I’ll rob my fellow man
Hercules:
I don’t want to scare
Caution’s what you need
There’s a creature on the loose
Who packs a wicked punch
Enforcer:
Listen Hercules
Hera says to kill
So I’ll sweep you off your feet
And your skull I will crunch
Hercules:
I won’t fight a girl
But on second thought
You are going off the cliff
And down there you can rot
Gnattius:
Just my rotten luck
Partner out to sea
But she came back by Hera
And threw me up into a tree
Nemesis:
Friends is not enough
You won’t be lonely
This has been a real fun day but come away with me
For the night, for the night, for the night, for the night....
Enforcer:
Where is the mighty son of Zeus?
Where is the one called Hercules?
Iolaus:
He isn’t here and I can say
First you will have to go through me
Hercules:
This will be hard to win
But my friend comes first
She has water ‘neath her skin
But I will make her burst
Nemesis:
Unless I get there first
Get there first, get there first, get there first
Enforcer:
Hera is boss and telling me
That I must kill you, Hercules
Hercules:
She won’t dare say that to my face
How long before her rage does ease?
Before I lose my life unto her hate
Her creature I’ll evaporate
Hera:
Look down, look down with evil peacock eyes
One day, I vow, the son of Zeus will die
STARS
Jason:
There, out in the darkness
A demon is coming
Sent by the gods
Sent for my sin
Medea went senseless
She killed my poor Glauce
And our innocent kids
And our innocent kids
Because of my wandering eye
The gods have targeted me
And I am doomed for bringing about the deaths
Of my family
And I will fall
To demon’s wrath
His strength
His sword
King
I was once a great
Governed my people
Replacing chaos
With order and light
But I am now broken
From grief and wine
My rule slipped to the side
My rule slipped to the side
But if I can get back the fleece
I can find the man I used to be
And see that my demon
Is just flesh and blood
Just a man such as me
And I will fight to reclaim my rule
And save my name
And now I have won
Castor is vanquished
My own demons have been cast out
Both real and the haunts I created
To torment myself
Though I may still grieve
Now I have found peace
King Jason is back
With the loyal help
Of friends, who I toast
All raise a glass to heroes!
RED AND BLACK
Iolaus:
The lightening storm
Has minutes left to go
A pretty girl is coming on a horse
People riding in these things
Flying rigs with metal wings
Buildings reaching up so tall
Herc, now I can see it all!
Hercules:
Iolaus, my friend
Calm down, you’re babbling like a crazy fool
That lightening strike...
I fear what that charge has done to you!
Rhianna:
I am searching for the champion Hercules
My people need help under King Melkos’ rule
Oh, I don’t want revenge for my dear husband’s death
We just want to be free from a tyrant so cruel
Hercules:
We’ll go with you
To rally the people
To call them to arms
To help stage a coup!
Iolaus:
Hercules, my friend
I hate to say
I’ve got bad news to give to you
I see you losing much money
Hercules:
Money, you say? You must be soused
You know I’m poorer than a church mouse
What happened in that lightening strike?
Iolaus:
I am not nuts
I’m speaking true
The future is within my view
Prophecy is what I have got
I swear I’m feeling quite all right
But there will be no rest tonight
You’re in the cow’s fav-or-ite spot
Rhianna:
It is time for us all
To rally for the cause
As we fight for the right
To end the tyranny now
The king’s shipment of gold
Is the price he will pay
As we reclaim our tax
And swat his men away
And our reputation
Is growing
Day by day
Trap - a traitor in our midst
Dead - my brother lost to me
Doubt - my strength begins to fade
Hope - in the name of Hercules
Hercules:
Though the timing is wrong we both know how we feel
The guilt of the widowed will fade when the moment is right
What we have we can keep while we fight for the cause
Our rebellion betrayed and we are thrown in jail
But no one can cage me
And I will set us all free
Go - we’ll fight our way outside
Iolaus:
Now - it’s time to take the dive
Rhianna:
Come - I know where we can hide
Mirim:
Here - your husband is alive!
Iolaus:
Hercules, I’m so sorry for you
I know you had feelings for her
This really has an unfair sting
Hercules:
Who cares about my lonely soul
We strive towards a larger goal
Let’s help these guys depose the king
Jordis:
Won - the king is in exile
Hercules:
Bye - time to make some tracks
Iolaus:
Hit - Visions gone for good
Hercules:
Glad - the old Iolaus is back!
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING
Iolaus:
Do you see me on this board?
Riding some wood upon a wave
I swear on my blue speedo thingy
This is going to be a craze
I feel the beach is calling me
So I will stay to fish and bronze
Herc can go off to referee
And I’ll be along
Aphrodite:
Will you join in our contest?
Which of us has the most beauty?
Artemis:
The world’s greatest warrior
You’ll be if you will just pick me
Athena:
Or give me your vote
And your wisdom will make history
Iolaus:
Could I be more of a dupe?
Falling for Aphrodite’s line
It is the curse of a romantic
My heart gets me every time
On this apple I’d have passed
If I had the foresight to see
That the spell I heedlessly cast
On the bride to be
Hercules:
Will you give them all a break?
What happened was the work of gods
Aphrodite will have her take
If she can just keep you guys at odds
Sidon/Diadorus:
The blood will be flowing
We’ll litter the shore with these clods!
Hercules:
Do you see these kids in love?
Nothing can tear these two apart
And with the apple I’ll make sure
Their dads are now of one heart
Now that Dite’s game is through
I think our work here is complete
But I hope that the wedding feast
Has no apples to eat!
IN MY LIFE
Iolaus:
Big surprise, yet another that’s never heard of me
And Herc, giving up our vacation for charity
What’s the matter with you, Iolaus?
You’ll be just fine on your own.
With family in Attica
But their location’s unknown
Then my life
Was almost snuffed out by a guy who looks exactly like me
In her life
My great granny always loved Attica for reasons I can now see
And though he is a drunk he is my family
Glad I came, just to meet my new cousin, Orestes
Thank the gods he’s alive
But he’s out like a stone
These guys can’t be for real
They want me on the throne
In my life
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be king for a day
I’ll be he, I’ll be he
Hector:
Iolaus
You must speak perfectly
And on time, late we just cannot be
Or the prince will take up in your place
And if you make mistakes
Beheading is Zeus’s penalty
Iolaus:
Oh wonderful, now you tell me
So I tripped on my robe
And I needed some cues
And I had to swear oath
To that old codger Zeus
But despite all of that
Here I am now, the king
I admit this is cool
But I don’t want a wedding
She’s here, I have to “I do”
Or our ruse will be through
My new wife
Is a vision of grace
She is lovely and glowing and tall
But she hates Orestes
So much that an attempted kiss got me a knee in the balls
Hector:
We’re in deep
Orestes, he’s been taken away
Iolaus
Our king you’re going to have to stay
Niobe:
In my life
I was resigned to life without love
But this man is not
The lout all the stories speak of
Iolaus:
I will fight
To rescue my cousin, beat them all, save the king
It’s what’s right
Hector:
In my life
You have been the best sovereign I have served
The honor was mine
Orestes:
And you healed our kingdom
Niobe:
What we had is now over
But for you I will always pine
Hercules:
Iolaus
Well, my friend, what has happened here?
It can wait, for that crazy maiden is now drawing near!
And she is determined that I be her husband
Iolaus:
Never fear, Hercules, I can handle this one
Get a life
I command that you return home now
Hercules, know this much
You’ve never seen my royal touch
Iolaus and Niobe:
In my life
There is someone who touches my life
Iolaus:
Waiting near
Niobe:
Waiting here
A HEART FULL OF LOVE
Iolaus:
A world without love
We will not last long
Aphrodite, this is all wrong
Oh goddess yield
I’ve got a week off to play the field
And how did I
Get to be
Your trainer guy?
Aphrodite:
I’m maxed out on love
I fear, hunting sucks
Iolaus:
I hear some trouble up ahead
Aphrodite:
Good bye, good luck
Iolaus:
You know, there’s something strange afoot
Aphrodite:
I don’t like books
Iolaus:
I’ve got work
Aphrodite:
I’ll be Herc!
Iolaus:
It all now makes sense
Aphrodite:
I want to mix it up
Iolaus:
Leandra is my grandmother
There was a curse
Hephaestus:
I made her village go away
Iolaus:
Dad escaped
Her, I’ll save
Aphrodite and Hephaestus: (in counterpoint)
Dite:
You look at me with love
Heph:
It’s always been you
Dite:
I saw the bust and then I knew
Heph:
It is a dream
Dite:
You are cute
Heph:
I love you
Dite and Heph:
Yes it is just a dream
But sometimes
They come true!
Leandra: (In counterpoint)
Though my son is lost to me
Part of him will still live on
A finer man there could not be
Iolaus
Courageous
I’m so proud
My heart full of love
For my grandson, my hero
PLUMET ATTACK
Iolaus:
This is the way
I’ve got a song in my heart
The festival is ahead
What’s going on with that cart?
Everywhere we go!
Hercules:
Bandit attack
Here comes our two man army
We put them down for the count
With our Thermopylae
We’ve laid them low
Iolaus:
You should not fear
The road by large
We’ll get you both there
And free of charge
Hercules:
I’ve got this one
Go on ahead
Styros:
Look out above!
Hercules:
I lost my memory!
Lonius:
You’re our prince, Milius
Don’t you know your own life?
Come on back now to Kastus
Kirin:
Husband, you are home
Your sons wait your return
Five long years have now passed us
Man:
I know this man, I tell you
I met him in Corinth
He’s the mighty son of Zeus
Not an ordinary prince
Iolaus:
I live in fear
Of this girl ape
Thanks to this miss
I’m looking like a grape
Herc needs my help
I’m on the case
What’s wrong with you?
Come Herc, we must escape
Hercules:
I don’t know him, I’m gonna jail him now
Parnassa:
One little rite and you’ll be swearing Hera’s vow
Kirin:
I’m falling in love
With a good, decent man
I can’t let him be enslaved
We need some kind of plan
Parnassa:
Swear allegiance right now!
Hercules:
Well I just can not do it, just can not do it, just can not do it....
Iolaus:
That’s right, my friend, remember your life
Their gig is up, now we will fight
Hercules:
And here we go, Thermopylae
The queen is dead, and I am free!
Kirin:
I wish you weren’t going away
You must return back here someday
Hercules:
Just one thing more, my friend Iolaus
Purple because? You must now say
Iolaus:
Herc you’re a wit
Let me just say
Cause I like it!
ONE DAY MORE
Author’s Note: This one got a little dicey at the end where everyone’s singing at once, but I tried my best...
Hercules:
One more fight
Another inn, another robbery
But then my mother does appear to me
She says she is a bride to be
To Jason, which is news to me
We both fight...
Jason:
I must give up my reign as king
And find another all in three days
Hercules:
Petulant?
Jason and Alcmene:
It does not matter where we live
As long as we’re together always
Iolaus:
One more time Herc’s out of line
Jason and Alcmene:
We want Herc to be the king
Iolaus:
One more time with him I reason
Jason and Alcmene:
Though we know it’s not his fate
Iolaus:
What an honor I’m assigned
Jason and Alcmene:
But we have a candidate
Iolaus:
To bring back the future king!
Falafel:
One more day before the feast
Jason:
Trouble follows where we go
Falafel:
With ten trays piled high with tacos
Jason:
So we kick some bandit tail
Falafel:
Cake eight feet tall at the least
Jason:
We’ll get married without fail
Falafel:
And salad with marshmallows
All:
The time is now
The place is here
Hercules:
Here we go!
Blue Priest:
It is time for retribution
You will kill them where they stand
I will summon up this monster
Herc will die by Hera’s plan
Hercules:
One big fight!
Argonauts:
Watch ‘em run amuck
Hit ‘em til they fall
Don’t forget to duck
When there’s a free for all
Here a little kick
There a little punch
All of them are killers
So let’s stop this bunch
Various Guests:
We came here to see a wedding
But it all went downhill fast
Iphicles was crowned the king
Iphicles was crowned the king
Then events got real upsetting
There’s a battle to be won
So we’ll fight with all we have
Jason:
That beast ate us
We must get out!
Hercules:
Where’s the spine?
Jason and Alcmene:
Hera can not keep us apart...
Iolaus:
Herc, this is sensational...
Amphion:
I now join you both as married
And your families are tied
May your love always glow brightly
Jason, you may kiss your bride
Hercules:
This is great
Falafel:
But we lost the cake
The punch bowl did fall
Lucky for your sakes
There’s tacos for us all
Salmoneus:
So I’m late to crash the party
Hope my gift was a big hit
Tell me did I miss anything?
Hercules:
It almost was a tragedy
But things are as they’re meant to be
All:
We all worked hard to undo
What the goddess Hera had in store
One more win
One more toast
One cheer more!
UPON THESE STONES (BUILDING THE BARRICADE)
Hercules:
So sitting in mud
Is not my dream vacation
In the heart of the city
We find a princess
Iolaus:
And though it’s our duty
To escort her home
Zeus! I am out of patience
Before we can leave town
Hercules:
Melissa was betrothed
To keep the peace
Prevent a war
But I feel
We’ve been fleeced
By betrayal
Alexa:
Now our army will fight
I swear this night
They will feel
Our weapon’s bite
Me as queen is so right
Hercules:
So Melissa, what do you see?
This suffering, the cost of war
Melissa:
I know this is no place for me
But I am growing up some more
Gordius:
So this is where we both do meet
Oh, Melissa, I am surprised
Melissa:
I see you’re smitten, as am I
Now that I look through opened eyes
Iolaus:
The weapon’s dead, now thanks to Herc
Melissa knocked out her sis on sight
She’s ruling well with Gordius
And best of all, got my name right!
Melissa:
Thanks and sorry
I was a B....
ON MY OWN
Iolaus:
So Herc gets all the props again
Nothing for me, not even ‘thank you’
I don’t begrudge it for my friend
I just want to have my own time, too
I’m happy to be here
But I’ll be forgotten, I fear
But then I bolt awake at night
While my friend Hercules is sleeping
I see some stuff and I’m driven by this vision I’m receiving
My hands have both turned red
And I must follow where I’m led
Of my own
This quest was meant just for me
Not alone
Herc walks along beside me
He’s doubting
But I feel peace around me
And I may not understand but this obsession has found me
This is right, the feeling pulls me onward
Heading north, we must keep pushing forward
We get company, two men who both are like me
We all have seen the same big dream and all have the compulsion
Though I know it’s the right thing to do
While we’re saving these babies and their mothers
I’m anxious to see this quest on through
Then I see, there’s a tie in here
Our mission
Is now to stop the madness
For the king
Is overrun with badness
Without him
The kids are safe from murder
The queen deposed and now she knows
Her child will not be the heir
I love it
When everything works out right
But I feel
There’s something more to this night
Look out there
A star is shining its light
This is bigger than anything that we have ever known
I’ll follow
I’ll follow
I’ll follow
This honor of my own
UPON THESE STONES (AT THE BARRICADE)
Iolaus:
Now my cousin is dead and I’m again king
And it’s all up to me to make his plan succeed
I know that Xenon’s behind the killing
Somehow I must expose his terrible deed
And then there’s Niobe!
The beautiful queen and my late cousin’s wife
Who I long to have every day in my life
Our love can’t be denied
Though we tried
You in the banquet hall listen to this
Xenon is planning to kill you all now
I have been framed
Let’s work as friends
Give up, Xenon, or die
See, Niobe, I still live
But my life I cannot give
Iolaus and Niobe:
Though we love we must now part
You’ll be always in my heart
JAVERT AT THE BARRICADE/LITTLE PEOPLE
Iolaus:
My cousin lost
Out in bandit country
I am stuck with this girl
Who is annoying me
We just wanted shelter
City of love
Is what we fell into
And my cousin we find
Though she can’t remember me
And Sal’s lost his mind
Moira:
You know
If we rescue the little girl
We’ll spoil his game
Iolaus:
There’s a way to make people listen
Just get them off the lotus
Kamaros:
So you figured out my plan
How I rule over these jerks
They serve me without a word
As I revel in the perks
So I can’t let you
Interrupt the works
Iolaus:
Liar!
Good evening, butcher Karkis
I know your seal, you see
I know this man, my friends
A killer from Thessaly
So don’t believe a word he says
Cause none of it’s true
As for your child god
She’s just a mortal like you
You see I fooled you with
A little Eastern trick
I wore your blue silk jammies
But I was faking it
You may have hit “destruct”
This place is coming down
I’ll fight like twenty armies
And you won’t be found
While we escape to sunlight
Up above the ground
A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN
Iolaus:
Look out now, my friend, Hercules
Enforcer number two
She’s coming after you
And she’s worse than before
Jason:
He’s gone, that was his final deed
Hercules:
But I can’t let him go
The brother of my soul
For him, I’ll make my uncle cede
Hades:
But you will kill the homicidal freak
And I will give you the soul that you seek
Just do it now, before the sun
With Enforcer number one
Hercules:
She was once my enemy
But now she’s on my side
She saved my mother’s hide
Enforcer:
I erupted from inside
This deed will wash away my past
And he has called me friend
And now I have a soul
I’ll have a place in Hades at last
Iolaus:
I can’t believe that I am now deceased
My hope of life lies now with Hercules
And while I’m here, I’ll talk with Dad
Find that he’s not so bad
Iolaus/ Hercules:
Now look who’s back, my friend Hercules/Here I am, Iolaus
There was never any doubt
You’ve come to get me out/I’ve come to get you out
And restore me to life/And restore you to life
Hercules:
I’ve won
Iolaus:
And dad got a reprieve
Iolaus/Hercules:
He’s nicer than I thought/The Enforcer, too
I’m good with my family/Love lives forever
Iolaus:
And now
Hercules:
And now
Iolaus and Hercules:
We’ll hold onto memories
DRINK WITH ME
Hercules:
Can it be there is a world
Just like ours, beyond this plane?
Through the big vortex we’ve swapped Ioli
We must make things right before Zeus does die
Ares:
Can’t believe I’m god of love
Iolaus:
How am I reduced to this
Costumed fool to that mad man?
He is forcing Dite to be his wife
And with that minx Xena, threatens her life
To stop them, I must kill Herc
I think of the greater good
But the plan soon falls apart
In the midst of fighting, Herc does arrive
All is put to right and Sov is confined
Worth it all, for that cake fight
Iolaus2:
It was strange in that new world, strange to meet this Hercules
Looks just like the Sov but he’s a good man
He inspired me to be all I can
A hero, I’ll try to be
BRING HIM HOME
Hercules:
Nemesis
She’s on the run
She cut out
Leaving behind our son
I’m in shock
But happy
This I vow
Best dad I’ll be
But what’s this?
He’s not mine?
Ares’ son?
Iolaus:
We would have helped you anyway
He was so glad to have a son
You broke his heart
Dreams undone
Nemesis:
I know you’re right
I feel sad
Ares:
Give me the kid
I am his dad
Hercules:
He has gifts
He is good
You’d turn him
Bad if only you could
I won’t let
You have him
To corrupt
On your whim
Evander
Not my son
But I vow
To be here
When you need
I’ll be there
DOG EATS DOG
Hope:
Callisto, you’re free
It will be worthwhile
Align with Ares
And you must release the Sovereign
Get his pendant of hind blood
Callisto:
It does not end there
Strife is first to fall
Hercules is trapped in
The vortex with his twin
I’m off to where it all begins
Iolaus:
Well, someone’s got to stop her scheme, Ares
So send me back in time
And Alcmene I’ll protect
I give my all but still she does succeed
I vow vengeance will be wreaked!
Callisto:
Here’s my family
Tragic history
Saving them from Xena
Takes a really nasty turn
So it is, we all must die
Xena:
I rule all of Greece
There will be no peace
They call me Conqueror
I set the world to burn
My rule no one can defy
Iolaus:
Well, someone’s got to save the world, my friends
Rescue the young Callisto
Stop Xena from her mad reign
The Chronos Stone ensures this terror ends
By sending me back again
This time around I save Alcmene
And hope for us both is restored
But Callisto’s waiting
When I return
‘Cause she’s ticked that I saved her from death
I raise my eyes to see the vortex
And then Hercules appears
And tosses the witch in!
JAVERT’S SUICIDE
Hercules:
Who is this girl?
What sort of temptress is she?
To have my head in a whirl
Captured my heart instantly
But she’s serving Ares
Refused to save my best friend
Here for the Hind
To protect her from her end
I found much more
A girl gentle and kind
It all made sense
When she turned into the Hind
Serena:
Damned if I’ll live in the debt of Ares
Damned if I’ll yield to his plan for my life
I am my own and to me I belong
I’ll join with Hercules and be his wife
Ares:
The gods will not allow this union
Unless you both take on mortal form
Iolaus:
How can I now condone this mess
When Hercules is acting blind?
The god of war will always hunt him
He gave up his strength, he is now mortal
I know he is so deep in love
But he’s naive
It is my right to not approve
But from his side I won’t be moved
Hercules:
And my thoughts are violent
Can this dream now be true?
Is my wife really dead?
What on earth did I do?
Iolaus:
And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart knows gods are still behind this
The truth is revealed with help from Xena
Hercules:
And then Zeus restores all my strength
I beat up Strife
But Father turns away from me
Won’t give Serena back her life
I am blameless, but I feel
That the guilt is mine to bear
If I had not loved her so
Serena would still be there
I’ll say farewell to her now
Grieve that we were torn apart
I’ll go on with Iolaus
Hold her always in my heart
TURNING
Nebula:
Did you see them
Dragged off in the dark?
We never saw it coming
But venom left its mark
Hercules:
I have answers
I know what she is
Cursed by Zeus to punish her
For all her evil sins
She’s Arachne
Monster spider witch
We can use light
It’s her enemy
I’ll go ignite these caves
While you grope on my buddy
Iolaus:
I am hauled off
Cocooned like a rug
Freaked out by that creature
That just burst from Paxon’s mug
Arachne:
Have I beauty?
Iolaus:
Sure, I do like bugs
Hercules:
I don’t like you, snotty pirate queen
Disregard for a life borders on obscene
But we need you, help me save my friend
Do some good and you’ll feel much better in the end
Burning, burning, burning, burning, burning Arachne
Iolaus:
Smashing, smashing, smashing her offspring
The storm has passed, so let us now take wing
Nebula:
Things considered, Herc can have my loot
The journey’s long but Monkeyboy is really cute
And he owes me for saving his butt!
EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES
Iolaus:
Therés a grief that cańt be spoken
There’s a pain my failure brings
I could not save that woman
In my guilt, I am drowning
Here I must say goodbye to Herc
I can’t live this life any more
I just wanted to forget it
Then I get what I asked for
Don’t know why I can’t remember
What my life’s been recently
But I know I have some talents
I know how to please
My lovely female company
And capture the attention
Of the shady guy who runs this town
Oh, Zeno, Zeno, I promise
That you have my loyalty
But there’s one thing that I can’t do
Kill this man called Hercules
I save Zeno from certain death
He accepts his reign will end
With the flip of just one dinar
I get my life back again
Oh my friend, my friend, forgive me
For these things that I have done
Hercules:
I will always believe in you
As for guilt, you shall have none
BEGGARS AT THE FEAST
Hercules:
It’s not a laugh
How they do treat
This little girl
Who has two left feet
She wants to dance
Her heart is true
She needs my help
So what can I do?
Partners we will be
Partners at the dance
If we don’t get help soon
We won’t stand a chance
Twanky summons us
Mistress of the dance
Boy, it’s hard to twirl
In these twelve pound pants
Teacher most divine
Graceful as can be
Freaks me out a little
How she’s eyeing me
Asterius wants to stop us
But we dodge the traps he sends
Hercules and Althea:
We have our ups and downs but
Learn the Twanky Twiddle in the end
Watch the others dance
Watch ‘em as they flop
We ignite the dance floor
And we land on top
Hercules:
Magistrate is through
Away with his laws
New respect for Althea
Guys drop their jaws
I know it is time to leave here
Twanky wants to have more fun
You’ll have to wait, Iolaus
By Zeus! She reminds me of someone...
FINALE
Alcmene:
Now you are here
Family beside me
Now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed
Hercules:
You will live, Mother, you’re going to live
I won’t let you go without a fight
Alcmene:
No, my son, my time is here at last
I will go
No regrets
My husband
We need no words between us
Iolaus
I love you like my own son
Hercules
You have made my life complete
A mother could never ask for
A much greater gift than you
Zeus:
Come with me
And take your rightful place now
At my side
We’ll rule upon Olympus
I’m your father
And all that you have left now
Iolaus:
This could be the right thing for you
You should listen to your heart
Hercules:
This is hard
Do I become one of them?
But I know
It’s what my mother wanted
This is my chance
To reconcile with my dad
I hug my brother goodbye
And I am ready to go
Do you see I do not care
About your lives on Olympus
It is the helping of the people
That is claiming my interest
For the greater good of earth
I sacrificed my former life
But Zeus confesses he needs help
To hold off his wife
Iolaus:
It was not quite the homecoming
That I wanted it to be
They laid a major guilt trip down
Then saw the hero in me
A truce with Pandion
And my mother is proud of me
Hercules:
Well my dad is not so bad
He gave up immortality
To save Mother from Hera’s wrath
So then I save him from Ares
Knock Apollo to the side
And make sure Hera’s history
Then it is time to say farewell
And return to Greece
Did I scare you there, my friend?
My time as a god now is through
Realized how much my family means
Iolaus, family now is you
This is how we’re meant to be
Battling together for what’s right
Let’s meet our future side by side
And fight the good fight
Fight the good fight!
Finis