Author’s Note: The following are just a few Monty Python parodies that I came up with, because I’m a looney that’s easily amused :)
A beautiful setting sun casts a rosy-orange glow over a lovely summer evening. Hercules, Iolaus, Xena, and Gabrielle are all relaxing on a garden terrace of a grand castle, sipping rich wine from golden goblets as a troupe of musicians play quietly in the background.
Xena: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
Hercules: Nothing like a good glass of Athens’ finest, eh Iolaus?
Iolaus: You're right there, Herc.
Gabrielle: Who’d have thought thirty years ago we'd all be sitting here in a palace drinking expensive wine?
Xena: Aye. In those days, we'd have been glad to have the price of a mug of ale.
Hercules: A mug of WARM ale.
Iolaus: Without any foam.
Gabrielle: OR ale!
Xena: In a filthy, cracked cup.
Iolaus: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up parchment.
Gabrielle: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Hercules: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were heroes.
Iolaus: BECAUSE we were heroes. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."
Xena: He was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHING. I used to travel by horseback and stop at an inn at night, doing unimaginable heroic feats during the day with only a sword and chakram for weapons.
Hercules: Weapons? You were lucky to have weapons! We used to have to fight all of our battles with tree branches and rocks and the odd fish here and there.
Gabrielle: You were lucky to have fish! *I* used to have to use a staff!
Iolaus: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of having a staff! And a room at an inn! Would’ve been a palace to us. We used to sleep in a bug infested poison ivy patch every night! Inn!? Hmph!
Xena: Well when I say "inn" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of canvas, but it was an inn to us.
Hercules: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and sleep in a lake!
Gabrielle: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us sleeping in a small carry sack in the middle of the road.
Xena: Leather carry sack?
Gabrielle: Yes
Xena: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a cloth bag in an outhouse. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a bowl of week old boar stew, and overthrow warlords all day long. When we got home, Alti would thrash us all to sleep with a whip!
Hercules: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a taco by Falafel, go perform Labors all day for a few dinars, come home, and Hera would beat us around the head and neck with a dead hydra, if we were LUCKY!
Gabrielle: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the carry sack at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had breakfast by Joxer, worked twenty-four hours a day battling evil demons, and when we got home, Callisto would slice us in two with our own sais.
Iolaus: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night of the previous day, eat a lump of cold hind’s blood, work twenty-nine hours a day killing monsters and fighting the gods without the aid of any supplies or cold weather clothing, and when we got home, Ares would kill us, and dance about on our graves humming the “Hercules” theme song.
Xena: But you try and tell the young heroes today that... and they won't believe you.
All: Nope, nope..
Hercules and Iolaus enter a charming country inn.
Iolaus: You sit here, Herc.
Hercules: All right.
Iolaus: (to Innkeeper) Morning!
Innkeeper: Morning!
Iolaus: Well, what've you got?
Innkeeper: Well, there's egg and boar; egg quail and boar; egg and rabbit; egg boar and rabbit; egg boar quail and rabbit; rabbit boar quail and rabbit; rabbit egg rabbit rabbit boar and rabbit; rabbit quail rabbit rabbit boar rabbit tuber and rabbit;
Mercenaries: (starting to chant) Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit...
Innkeeper: ...rabbit rabbit rabbit egg and rabbit; rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit ambrosia salad rabbit rabbit rabbit...
Mercenaries: (singing) Rabbit! Lovely rabbit! Lovely rabbit!
Innkeeper: ...or Lobster Thermador au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and rabbit.
Hercules: Have you got anything without rabbit?
Innkeeper: Well, there's rabbit egg quail and rabbit, that's not got much rabbit in it.
Hercules: I don't want ANY rabbit!
Iolaus: Why can't he have egg boar rabbit and quail?
Hercules: THAT'S got rabbit in it!
Iolaus: Hasn't got as much rabbit in it as rabbit egg quail and rabbit, has it?
Mercenaries: Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit(crescendo through next few lines)
Hercules: Could you do the egg boar rabbit and quail without the rabbit then?
Innkeeper: Urgghh!
Hercules: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like rabbit!
Mercenaries: Lovely rabbit! Wonderful rabbit!
Innkeeper: Shut up!
Mercenaries: Lovely rabbit! Wonderful rabbit!
Innkeeper: Shut up! (Mercenaries stop) Bloody Mercenaries! You can't have egg boar rabbit and quail without the rabbit.
Hercules: (shrieks) I don't like rabbit!
Iolaus: Sshh, Herc, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your rabbit. I love it. I'm having rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit ambrosia salad rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit and rabbit!
Mercenaries: (singing) Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit. Lovely rabbit! Wonderful rabbit!
Innkeeper: Shut up!! Ambrosia salad is off.
Iolaus: Well could I have rabbit instead of the ambrosia salad then?
Innkeeper: You mean rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit... (but it is too late and the Mercenaries drown his words)
Mercenaries: (singing elaborately) Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit. Lovely rabbit! Wonderful rabbit! Lovely rabbit! Wonderful rabbit. Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-abbit! Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-abbit! Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-abbit! Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-abbit! Lovely rabbit! (Lovely rabbit!) Lovely rabbit! (Lovely rabbit!) Lovely rabbit! Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, raaaaabbit!
HERCULES:
I wanted to be... a demigod!
Journeying the earth, battling the minions of the gods. The Hydra. The Stymphalian Bird. Gargan the Giant! The mighty Mandrake! The lofty flowering She-Demon! The plucky little Amazons! The limping dungeon monster of Meliad. The towering chicken of Discord! The water and the fire enforcers! The naughty sand mantas! The 8 legged Arachne! That ball of fire Pyro! The Minotaurs! My own alter ego!
With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
[singing]
I'm a demigod, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I fight all day.
GREEK CHORUS:
He's a demigod, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he fights all day.
HERCULES:
I fight injustice. I beat up gods.
I camp underneath the trees.
And at least once per season,
I pull Iolaus from Hades.
GREEK CHORUS:
He fights injustice. He beats up gods.
He camps underneath the trees.
And at least once per season,
Pulls Iolaus from Hades.
He's a demigod, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he fights all day.
HERCULES:
I fight injustice. I stop warlords.
My muscles are quite big.
I wear the same clothes every day,
And once I was a pig.
GREEK CHORUS:
He fights injustice. He stops warlords.
His muscles are quite big.
He wears the same clothes every day,
And once he was a pig?!
He's a demigod, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he fights all day.
HERCULES:
I fight injustice. I even dance.
Twirling to and fro.
Thanks to the Widow Twanky,
I’m a one man fashion show.
GREEK CHORUS:
He fights injustice. He even dances,
Twirling to and fro?!
[talking]
What's this? He does fashion shows?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...
[singing]
He's a demigod, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he fights all day.
He's a demigod, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he fights all day.
The Queen of the gods was a miserable sod
Who was very rarely stable.
Apollo, Apollo was a moody fellow
Who could blast you under the table.
Aphrodite, was more flighty
Then the young winged god of love,
And Poseidon helped the fisherman
While Zeus lechered from above.
There's nothing Athena couldn't teach ya
From her scrolls, oh so wise.
Hermes, himself, was just one of the guys.
And Hephestus, just like Proteus,
Could change his look for a new series.
Ares, they say, could blast you away--
A hundred deadly fireballs every day.
Dionysus, Dionysus was a bugger for his wine.
Hades liked to complain,
And proud Demeter tried to keep her daughter.
But her sheltering was in vain
Yes, Strife, himself, is particularly missed...
A rat-faced little godling,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
We're the gods of Mount Olympus.
You’d better never vex us.
We’re big and bad, we’ll drive you mad
With many assorted hexes.
We’ll tear down all your castle walls.
With our lightning bolts and fireballs.
We're the gods of Mount Olympus.
We reign supreme because,
We are the best, and on a quest
You could get help from us.
But we will demand your favor.
And your toadying we will savor.
Our monsters are quite lethal,
Devouring lots of people.
But Hercules puts them on their knees with the help of mortal Iolaus.
It's a busy life on Olympus.
At least it was until Xena killed us.....
Doo doo doo doo doo....
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