August 2000 Story Challenge: In the episode "Heedless Hearts", Iolaus suggests breaking out of prison like they did in Thessaly. Hercules asks if he really wants to do that again, then proceeds to break the door of the cell open. The challenge is to write a story explaining what happened in the prison in Thessaly.
I: “You remember the prison in Thessaly?”
H: “You sure you wanna do that again?”
I: “Yeah, why not?”
H: “Uh-- I’ve got a better idea.”
I: “Oh, what? Might've known.”
“When will you ever learn?”
“Hey, I didn’t know she was married,” Iolaus protested, giving his partner a sheepish look.
“Maybe next time you can try asking,” Hercules suggested.
“Can I help it if I’m completely irresistible to women?” the hunter asked, flashing his best I’m-Iolaus-Gotta-Love-Me grin.
“You’d better try making yourself irresistible to their husbands. I might not be around to bail you out next time.” The demigod was purposely baiting his friend, and smiled as Iolaus immediately became defensive.
“What do you mean by that?” he demanded.
“Nothing,” Hercules answered airily. “It just seems like my new hobby is getting you out of the trouble you get yourself into.”
“The trouble I...? What about you?” Iolaus squeaked in outrage. “I can’t even count the number of times YOU’VE gotten ME in trouble. And I’ve bailed you out plenty of times. Well, a few times. Fine, next time we’re in trouble, I’ll do all the bailing, ok?”
“Deal,” Hercules agreed, but before he could take the hunter’s outstretched hand to seal the pact, they were interrupted by a man approaching.
“Hercules?” the stranger asked timidly.
“I’m Hercules,” the demigod affirmed. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry to bother you with this,” the man began. “But I didn’t know what else to do.” He gratefully accepted the water skin that Iolaus offered him, and after a long drink he blurted out that his son had been kidnapped.
“I’m from Thessaly,” he explained. “Queen Agave has a diamond mine outside of town. She’s been using prisoners as slave labor, but lately... Children have been disappearing, and rumor has it that she’s been the one taking them for working the mine. Please, Hercules, you have to help us.”
“Don’t worry,” the demigod reassured him. He glanced at Iolaus who answered his unasked question with a subtle nod. Hercules pressed the few dinars that he had into the man’s palm. “Go get something to eat before you return home. I promise you, my partner and I are going to look into this.” The man nodded his gratitude and took his leave of them.
“Ready for more trouble?” Hercules asked his friend.
“Sure. I love Thessaly this time of year.”
They were only a day’s journey from Thessaly, and were able to reach its outskirts by mid afternoon on the following day.
“Something’s not right here,” Iolaus told his friend as they wandered through the center of the city. What had once been a bustling marketplace was now virtually deserted. The few citizens that were out were scuttling about quickly with their heads down, as if they expected something to attack them at any second. It didn’t take much imagination to see that they were afraid, and it was a safe bet that the cause of their fear were the troops of royal guards milling about the streets. A young boy, darting among the vendor stalls, failed to give one of the guards a wide enough berth. As he dashed by, the soldier reached out and caught him, hauling him up by the scruff of the neck.
“I think it’s time we introduce ourselves,” Hercules muttered as he began striding towards the guard.
“Don‘t forget, I’m getting us out of trouble this time,” Iolaus reminded him.
“First we have to get in it,” the demigod replied. “Would you like the honors? I mean, since you do it so well.” The hunter made a face at his friend, but obligingly stepped up to the soldier who still held the frightened boy.
“Excuse me,” he said grandly as the guard turned around. “My friend here and I were looking for the moron convention. Hey, Herc, I think we’ve found it.” In one swift move Iolaus snatched the boy from the stunned man’s grasp and brought a heavy boot up to connect with his chin. He released the boy, who took off running full speed down an alley, and dove into two guards that were rushing towards him. Hercules frowned slightly as he slammed two soldiers into each other, noticing the onslaught of troops that were pouring in from all directions. It was time to surrender, but Iolaus was having too much fun to notice.
“Hercules!” The shout got both his and the hunter’s attention. The captain of the guards had leapt onto one of the vendor’s platforms, holding a knife to an old man’s throat. “Surrender yourselves now or he dies!”
The demigod assumed a submissive position, allowing himself to be captured. Iolaus had been fending off a spear armed soldier with his sword, but at these words, he took a step back and sheathed his weapon. The soldier hesitated for a moment, and as he saw the sword slide back into it’s casing, he lunged forward and thrust the spear into the hunter’s chest. Iolaus stared in disbelief at the object protruding from his body. He glanced at Hercules, blue eyes wide with shock, before collapsing to the ground.
Hercules screamed in rage, furiously knocking down those guards trying to hold him back. He didn’t bother to check his strength, sending men flying left and right as he made his way to where his partner lay crumpled on the ground. As he reached him, the demigod dropped to his knees and gathered Iolaus into his arms, pulling out the spear and trying to staunch the blood with his hand. The hunter gazed up at him and grinned slightly through the pain.
“Is this enough trouble for you?” he joked weakly.
“Don’t talk,” Hercules told him. “Just hang on. You’ll be all right.” Tears filled his eyes, blurring his vision, and the demigod never saw the sword coming. The butt slammed into the back of his head, and as he fell to the ground beside his friend, everything went black.
“Kneel,” the guard hissed into his ear. Actually, the pain coursing through his head made that an attractive proposition, but Hercules ignored the command. “I told you to kneel,” the man barked, grabbing the demigod’s arm and trying to pull him down. But all he got for his trouble was a hard fist in his face.
“Leave us,” came a silky voice from the throne. The soldiers surrounding the demigod hesitated reluctantly for a moment, then obediently exited the room.
“I’ll be right outside, my queen,” the guard muttered through a split lip. As Hercules gave him a sharp look, he wasted no time in following the others out of the door.
“So, this is the mighty Hercules,” Queen Agave purred as she slunk toward her prisoner. “Favorite son of Zeus and champion of men. May I say it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” She was an extremely beautiful woman, and an expert at using her sexuality to entice men to do her bidding. But her eyes were also as cold as ice, and her smile evil, and Hercules remained silent and stone faced as she prowled around him. “Come now, Hercules. Thessaly isn’t all soldiers and violence. I would be proud to give you a more proper welcome.” She ran a sculpted nail down his bronze chest, but he stopped her before she could get too far.
“No thanks,” he spat. “I don’t plan on staying that long.”
“But I could use a man of your...talents,” she whispered. “And you may find yourself in a position to save a lot of innocent lives.” He took a step away from her as she tried to kiss him.
“I’m listening.”
“Have you ever worked the mines? It’s very dangerous, I’m afraid. We’ve lost so many men already. I could really use a man of your strength.” She moved toward him again to wrap her fingers around his bicep. “You could be just the man to find what I really want. And if you are, I wouldn’t need the others.”
“And what do you want?” he asked contemptuously.
“The teeth of the Cadmean dragon,” she answered, draping herself back onto her throne. “Heard of them?”
“They’re said to yield the most fearsome warriors the world has even seen if sown into the ground,” Hercules said slowly. “But what makes you think that they’re in your diamond mine?”
“The oracle told me they were. And she told me that if I could get to them, my army would be unstoppable. Conquering Greece would just be a start. What do you think, Hercules? Queen Agave, ruler of the known world. Has a nice ring, don’t you think?”
“I think you’re insane, if you want the truth.”
“Now, now. There’s no need for insults. I can make you a bargain.” She approached him yet again, and again, he moved away. “Find me the dragon teeth, Hercules. Be a good prisoner, get me what I want, and I’ll release everybody. I’ll even give you your little friend back.”
“Iolaus!” The demigod grabbed the queen in both hands. “Where is he?”
“Well, that got your attention,” she said demurely. “Quite a strong ’friendship’ you have with him. Who would have ever guessed? It makes sense though. How else can you explain your resistance of me?” Hercules was beginning to seriously rethink his lifelong policy of never hitting women. Instead, he tightened his grip on the queen.
“Where. Is. He.”
“Tucked away safe and sound. But I’d be willing to return him, if you’d be willing to agree to our little bargain. I’ll even let you two share a cell. I’m sure you’ll be able to ’entertain’ each other for the duration of your stay. And after you’ve delivered the dragon teeth, you both walk out the door to live happily ever after. Do we have a deal.” Hercules knew better than to trust the sly queen, but for now he decided to go along with her.
“Deal,” he agreed, releasing her and hoping he hadn’t just made a huge mistake.
Hercules restlessly paced around his cell. It had been hours since he had been escorted here, with the promise that Iolaus would soon be joining him, and worry was beginning to overtake his thoughts. What if she had lied to him? What if Iolaus wasn’t still alive? He tried to reassure himself, but it was another hour of pacing before the main cell door opened and his fears were laid to rest. Two guards ushered a pale Iolaus down the corridor and shoved him roughly into the cell with Hercules. The hunter stumbled, but managed to stay upright, at least until the demigod grabbed him and pulled him down onto the mound of hay that they had been given as bedding.
“Are you all right?” Hercules asked anxiously.
“Never better,” Iolaus replied, wincing as his friend undid the bandages on his chest to check his wound. “Herc, really, I’m ok. The palace healer took care of it. He said that there was no major damage. Just bled a lot, that’s all.” Hercules did not look convinced. The wound was deep and raw, and he had definitely seen his friend looking better. But he had also seen him looking dead, so it certainly could’ve been worse. Hercules was so happy to see his friend alive he wanted nothing more than to pull him in for a crushing bear hug. But he knew how much Iolaus hated to be fussed over, so he just clapped him on the shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re all right. You really had me scared there for awhile.”
“All part of the plan,” Iolaus murmured, settling back into the hay.
“And was it part of your plan to have Queen Agave fawning all over me and bribing me into finding the teeth of the Cadmean dragon for her?”
“Is that what she’s after?”
“Apparently so. And she seems convinced that I’m the one that can get them.”
“Well, you are the mighty Hercules,” the hunter reminded him, closing his eyes.
“She also seems convinced that you and I are...”
“Are what?”
“You know. Involved.”
“Sorry, buddy. You’re just not my type.”
“Well, you’re not my type either.”
“Why not?” Iolaus demanded, opening his eyes and propping himself up on his elbow, wincing slightly as he did so. “What’s wrong with me? I’m cute. I’m charming. I’m brave. I’ve got a great sense of humor. What more could you want?”
“You’re also reckless, impulsive, stubborn, and a magnet for trouble.”
“Fine,” the hunter said sullenly, lying back in the hay. “But someday you’ll realize just what you passed up.” Hercules laughed as he tossed a handful of straw at the pouting figure.
“Ok, you’re a wonderful catch. Does that make you happy?”
“It’s a start,” Iolaus grinned back. “But tell me more about how great I am.”
“I think we both should try and get some sleep instead. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day in the mine tomorrow for me. And you need to save your strength. Don’t forget, you have to get us out of this.”
As Hercules predicted, it was a long day in the mine. And so were the days that followed. The conditions were harsh and extremely unsafe. It was no wonder so many men had died. And he saw that the greedy queen had indeed taken to stealing children to replace the lost men. The sooner he found the dragon teeth, the sooner he could get everyone out. Iolaus didn’t understand why he was bothering to look for them at all. He wanted to break out immediately and overthrow the queen and her soldiers. But Hercules knew that even if Agave were out of the picture, sooner or later someone else would come looking for the dragon teeth. He wanted to located them and destroy them so that they could never be used for evil intent.
Iolaus also wanted to go to the mine with his friend, and Hercules had to finally threaten him. The hunter sulked in the corner of the cell and wouldn’t speak to him, and even though the demigod could sympathize, there was no way he was going to let him into that mine. His wound was healing well, thanks in part to the daily ministrations from the healer, but Iolaus was still very weak and not in any shape to subject himself to the dangers of the mine, despite his objections. So Hercules searched the mine all day, trying to protect the innocents the queen had enslaved as best as he could.
Finally, after two weeks of exhaustive exploration, the demigod was finally rewarded with a metallic thump as his pick struck something hard. Carefully, he dug out the metal box that he had struck, hearing it rattle as he shook it gently.
“I’ll take that,” came the gruff voice from behind him, making him jump. He turned to face the guard. “Hand it over, Hercules. And don’t get any ideas. If you come out of this mine without me, those kids all die. Now hand it over and let’s go.” Hercules didn’t know if the man was bluffing or not, but he decided he couldn’t risk it. Not with the lives of children. With utmost reluctance, he handed the box to the guard and allowed himself to be led out of the mine and back to his cell.
“What do you want?” the soldier demanded as he approached the cell in answer to the demigod’s calls.
“We need the healer,” Hercules told him worriedly, gesturing to where Iolaus was curled on the floor. “Something’s wrong with him.”
“The healer gets here when he gets here,” the guard told him. “Now shut up and leave me alone or you may just find yourselves with nothing to eat tonight.” He stomped down the corridor to where the other soldiers were waiting for him. “You idiots better not have cheated while I was gone,” he said suspiciously, picking up his cards, and knowing that they had. They had only played a few more hands when Hercules’ shouts again rang through the dungeon, more urgently this time. The guard slammed his cards down onto the table and returned to their cell, uttering obscenities along the way.
“Please, you have to help me,” Hercules begged as the guard approached the cell. “We have to get him to the healer, now!” The soldier watched as the hunter convulsed in a violent seizure in the demigod’s arms, then he pulled the key from his belt and unlocked the cell door. Hercules rose and followed the man into the corridor, but halfway down he stopped suddenly and heaved Iolaus into the air. The hunter grabbed onto the crossbar that stretched along the ceiling and swung out to kick the guard in front of him. He sprawled out across the floor, taking with him two of his fellow guards that had come to see what the commotion was about. Hercules made short work of the rest of them as Iolaus leapt lightly to the ground.
“Here,” the demigod said, handing his partner the key after they had locked the unconscious men into their former cell. “Go around and release everyone else. I’ve got to go get those teeth back before it’s too late.” Iolaus nodded and Hercules took off down the corridor, determined to stop Queen Agave.
Hercules managed to make his way undetected through the castle, but once he burst into the queen’s quarters he found them deserted. As he glanced out of her window, he soon saw why.
“Hercules, you’re just in time,” Agave gushed as the demigod rushed across the grounds toward her. “I really want to thank you for getting these for me. Now stand back and watch the fruits of your efforts.” Hercules stared in horror as the ground where she’d sown the dragon teeth began to churn. For each tooth, a fearsome warrior emerged. Three times the size of ordinary men. Hulking, metal clad, weapons of destruction. They sprung from the ground and stood tensely, swords held ready. The entire air around them seethed aggression.
The queen stepped toward her new army, but Hercules took her arm and pulled her back. She wrenched free, and her guards prevented him from holding her back.
“Agave! Stop! Don’t go near them,” he shouted in warning. But the queen did not listen to the demigod, and as she approached the warriors, they attacked her. Her soldiers rushed forward in a futile attempt to save her, and they too were ripped apart. When the guards had all been decimated, the warriors, in their frenzied bloodlust, turned on each other, until only five remained. Hercules eyed them warily until a flash of light signaled the arrival of Ares.
“Pity, isn’t it?” the god of war asked. “Agave had no idea what she was getting herself into.”
“Just how much of this is your doing, Ares?”
“I can’t take the credit on this one, I’m sorry to say. It played out so nicely, I didn’t have to interfere before now. However, I was sort of hoping that you would dive in and try to save the fair queen. I would have enjoyed seeing them rip you to shreds.”
“Yeah, I just bet you would,” Hercules muttered. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
“There’s always tomorrow,” Ares said dramatically. “But in the meantime, since you were kind enough to dig this little beauties up for me, I’ll just take them off your hands for now. See you around, little brother.” With a wave of his hand, Ares vanished, taking the remaining warriors with him.
Hercules remained at the battle site, and it was not long before Iolaus found him.
“Wow. Did you do all this?” the hunter asked, taking in all the carnage.
“No. They did it to themselves.”
“So, everything’s all right then?”
“Yeah. It’s all over.” Hercules didn’t have the energy right then to tell his friend about Ares taking the remaining warriors. “Is everyone out?”
“And on their way home. Do you think we should stick around for a few days, Herc? Make sure the rest of the guards don’t bother the people until they can find a replacement for the queen?”
“That’s probably a good idea. But let’s go find an inn. I’ve had enough of this castle for now.” Iolaus agreed, and the pair began the walk down into the city. They walked in silence until the hunter could stand it no longer.
“Well, aren’t you going to admit it?”
“Admit what?”
“That I came up with a great plan and got us out of the prison, just like I said I would.”
“Yeah, you did, but...”
“But?”
“It was kind of elaborate, wasn’t it? I mean, wouldn’t it have just been easier for me to pull the door off its hinges?”
“Fine,” Iolaus said, exasperated. “Next time we’ll do it your way.”
“Deal.”
Disclaimer: Despite all my best efforts and good intentions, Iolaus was hurt yet again during the writing of this story.
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