The Final Decision

Rating: R

Theme: Bronze Zetsuai

Tonight is the night for the final decision that I must make. Being driven to this point was sheer hell, and hopefully this choice that I am going to make will be for the best. The wretched pain and complete emptiness that I am surrounded by at this moment fills my soul as I sit here in this empty room. As I look around me I can see things that belong to you...how jealous I am of these material things! Bitter feelings rage inside my mind, making me go slowly insane. I wish that I could give these emotions words, so that I could tell you honestly how I feel, but that shall never happen. I cannot make you suffer that with which I am forced to bear every day in my life.

Todat you made a decision that we both must be compelled to live with. There had been too much anguish and misery in our lives, so I asked you to choose. Things just couldn't remain like that anymore. The games we play, the loving and hating each other just had to stop. I guess that I somehow expected that answer from you, but it still unsettled me when I heard it escape your lips. There wasn't any room in your life for Koji Nanjo...it was that girl Minako with whom you wanted to be with, not me. Not me? Had I not given you enough love and attention.....or was there something else that you desired? Something that I as a man could never give to you. Would you so quickly throw me away for a few seconds of ecstasy with a woman?

A small breeze blows in through the window and makes the white lace curtains flow in the air, like shadowy ghosts haunting the night. I can see the old clock on the mantle, ticking away the hours, unending. This place was once our home, yet it feels gloomy and dispiriting as any other place where I have been. As I look around I see the stark white walls lined with photographs of you and your foster family, in a happier time of your life. What was the end of this peacefulness for you? I can only fear that I am the one to blame for all of your sadness.

Depression and heavy-heartedness lurk in my mind. Every thought is filled with images of you. Everywhere I turn, you are there. I desire to be with you, to be near you, but all I can do is just sit here and think. It is my own mind that is slowly driving me insane. I am raped by my own memories from long ago. I must end this longing inside of me before it grows any stronger and devours my soul. Sitting here on the table is what I believe is my only escape from this horrid world. It gleams brightly in the candle light. Cold, hard and painfully sharp, it waits to bite into my soft flesh, begs to hear the moan of agony escape these painted lips.

The smell of pungent incense fills the room, blurring my vision as I pick up the razor. How perfectly natural it feels in my fingertips. I bought them for you, always preferring the old way of doing things rather than the new. One day in a moment of absolute trust, you allowed me to shave you. How erotic that was. My body grew more and more aroused as I ran the blade down your perfect chin, listening to the scraping sound that it made. Even though your eyes were closed, I could see that you were enjoying it too. A small smile played across your lips every time that I ran the blade across your neck. Uncontrolled, erotic thoughts filled my mind and made it hard to concentrate. A sudden twitch made my hand jerk and I accidentally cut into the soft flesh under your chin. Still enjoying the moment, I bent forward and kissed the blood away. You did not protest. I sat up and shared the kiss with you. We didn't leave this room until late the next day.

I walk causally out onto the balcony with my silent partner held tightly in my shivering hand. The cool night air feels refreshing and comforting on my warm skin. Many stories below us the traffic rushes by, cars and trucks beeping nosily. The glow from the harsh lights of the city floods the horizon, turning the night as luminous as day. Above me the stars shine brightly, like pin holes in the ebony curtain of night. As I grip the blade tighter in my hand, a star falls from the heavens and cascades down to the earth. A fallen star?

Sitting down on the hard, white lawn chair here on the balcony, I roll up my sleeves. This is the moment I have dreaded all night. Would I have enough nerve to go through with it? The breeze blows through my long blonde hair, giving me chills. Christ, why am I doing this? A release? Why must I do this for you? You are a man, nothing more. We don't require human sacrifices anymore. Should I give my life up for you?

"Koji, do we really need to get into this right now?" Izumi asked, shoving books into his bag.

"Izumi, I need to know the answer...please! It's agony being without you, I just need to know is you love me..and want to be with me."

A knock pounded on the door. Izumi hurried over and answered it. It was Minako. She was dressed in her school uniform and carried her backpack. "Ready to go Izumi?"

Izumi picked up his bag and walked back to the door. He bent down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Yes, I am ready, let's go now."

Koji reached forward and grabbed Izumi's shirt, holding it with all his might. "Izumi?"

Harshly removing Koji's hand from his sleeve, Izumi started out the door. "The answer is no Koji. Goodbye." A blow struck Koji's body which was more powerful than any physical jolt could have ever been. He sunk to the floor and began to cry as Izumi slammed the door behind him.

Yes, that's what this is...a release...from all those feelings....just keep telling yourself that Koji Nanjo and everything will be all right.

My hands begin to tremble a bit as I put the blade to my flesh. I bite down onto my bottom lips as I feel the steel sink into the veins. A moment passes and then the crimson blood begins to flow. I stare at it glistening dully in the moonlight. It feels warm and soothing as it gushes out, soaking into my clothes. Before I loose strength, I grasp the blade with my wounded hand and slash roughly at the other wrist. A jagged cut, as compared to the other one. It would leave a nasty scar. Finally finished, I sit back and toss the blade over the railing. It falls down, noiselessly to the ground below.

The weather is getting cold Izumi....I can feel the tempature dropping around me. Could it be that autumn is rapidly approaching us? I shiver and wrap my arms around my slender body. We would have to get the heat fixed in the apartment before winter set in, or we would surely freeze. I can remember cold nights with you, nestled tightly in your arms. Solitary nights alone in front of that huge fireplace, with only the heat from our bodies to keep us warm. The touch, those words....where have the all gone now? NO! STOP THIS NONSENSE! He doesn't love me anymore...

A loud ringing snaps me out of my thoughts. The telephone. Not caring about it, I close my eyes and let it ring. No need to concern myself for things like that anymore. As the ringing continues, I can hear the machine pick it up. I am startled out of my haze when I hear your voice. "Koji? Are you there? Please pick up the phone...I need to talk to you." There is something urgent in your voice. Struggling, I try to stand, but collapse miserably onto the concrete floor as my head swims. The world around me whirled in a myriad of colors. I can still hear your voice, beckoning me from the dark room. "Koji, please....are you there? Pick up!"

"Izumi...!" I call out. Battling the fatigue that is rapidly overcoming me, I force myself to stand, clutching the wall for support. My bloody hands reach out and feel along the wall, guiding my way back into the room, staining the white walls red. My foot catches on the frame of the door, and I fall in a miserable heap onto the floor. Cursing, I clutch at the table holding the phone, but I can't quite reach.

"Koji, I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for everything that I said. You were right. Even though that I choose not to show it or tell you, I need you in my life more than ever. I cannot live without you. Minako was a momentary pleasure, nothing more...she could never love me as you have." A quiet moment, hushed breathing, my heartbeat slowing down. "I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Please forgive me." I try one last time to move closer to the table, my body won't move anymore. I am so sleepy. My eyes are closing...I can't fight this anymore...let me just rest a few minutes, then everything will be ok. The voice on the phone confides, "I love you Koji...." then nothing but a soft click and silence.

A quiet whisper in the dark room. "Good night Izumi." Then nothing but silence....