There is an expression that it is always darkest before the dawn. It is in the solitude of this point in time,

that both Natalie and Janette are experiencing the agonizing void of their darkened existences left by not being able to love Nicholas as they wish. Each waits and dreams of what was and what could be.

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DAYDREAMS OF THE KNIGHT

by

Gwenn Musicante

April 2001

© 2001

With the darkness still prevailing just before the dawn, and as the mortal world is about to begin the day, there exists one mortal and one immortal woman who are ending their days and are preparing for sleep. But in these final lonely moments of the night, a reoccurring desire surfaces in them both. And although separated by miles and several lifetimes, in the still cold silence of pre-dawn, they both share the hope of loving the same immortal man. In this early morning hour, they both dream………..

Natalie begins, with Janette's words following in parenthesis.

Sometimes in the early morning hours before even the slightest tinge of light arrives, I stand quietly beside my bedroom window.

(Sometimes after all the Raven's patrons, both mortal and immortal have found their daytime sanctuaries and I am left alone, I find myself staring longingly at the door.)

With only the moon's dim fading light to cast long vague shadows on the walls, I can feel the weight of the darkness close in around me.

(With the last of the lights turned off, I embrace the richness of the final hour of the night. The darkness covers and comforts me. It caresses and pleases me as would an attentive lover. )

As I search out my blackened view, my imagination eagerly anticipates his arrival as much as it apprehends his coming.

(I find a bar stool to bear the weight of centuries of emotions, and as I sit, I imagine that he walks through the door with nothing other than me in his thoughts.)

Nick and I are so different in so many ways, yet I cannot cease this relentless yearning that has made a prisoner of my heart.

(Nichola was never as I was. He always took a higher road. The ways that I often despised about him, have now become his most treasured qualities to me.)

He fills me like no other could with all the wonders and fantasy of what the world has been, is now, and will soon be.

(He knows me better than I know myself, and I loathe him because of it. He is eternity to me, forever renewing itself.)

Each time I'm near him, I want to run to him, but at the same time I feel the need to run away. He intrigues me, he terrifies me.

(I dream about him everyday. My body hungers to possess him, to use him, and then to turn him away. I need to pull from him the love that only he can provide.)

So many times, I fear that he is becoming darker. Although he clings tenaciously to what remains of his humanity, he is very comfortable with the vampire.

(I can feel him less each day. He is losing his way. The humanity that he seeks, steals him away from our special bond.)

Most times, I do not know what he wants, and I am concerned that he also does not know.

(He is so sure of himself. It is a strength that has emerged from his quest for his mortality. He wants so much now, and I fear that he will forget what we have been to one another.)

I wonder if he wants me as I want him. Does he crave more than just my blood? I always shudder when this thought crosses my mind, but if my blood is all that draws him; do I really care?

(Why does he not come and drink from me? I have the power to satisfy his needs. When he denies himself his nature, he denies me as well.)

Does he know how every night I wait for him, and how powerless I would be to refuse him even my last drop of blood?

(I curse myself for wanting to be in his embrace, for having this need for him. I curse myself for ever letting him go.)

When I close my eyes, I can feel his touch in my dream of us together. For with only the feel of his touch, I would now willingly die in his arms.

(I remember past days with only his desire for me. His passion, intensity, and caring were too much for me to accept- too overwhelming to understand.)

Over and over in my mind, I play out how one night that he will come to me through this window, and the thought makes my body tremble with pleasure and with fear.

(He was never shy with me, always strong and confident in every caress. I would always let him have his way with me before taking from him what I desired.)

I can see his tall strong body standing before me as I become lost in his intense features. I am his willing servant as his eyes burn into my soul and ignite my burning passions for him.

(Our love making has never been gentle, for the force that attracts us would be impossible to diminish. Yet, he is always careful to treat me with all the tenderness of a lover.)

I know that if I stare into his eyes, that he would not need to say a word. I would stand before him, close enough to feel his cold body, in this darkness, and do his bidding; knowing full well that it might cost me my mortal life.

(I have always been there for him. He never needed to ask but once. There is nothing, which I would withhold from him. The world has never known two more perfect lovers.)

A smile crosses my lips as I imagine him moving close enough to reach behind me and unlace the ribbons of my nightgown. I take in a long deep breath and slowly release it as I immerse myself in the sensation of his gentle but firm touch as he pushes my loosened gown to the side. Then with an experienced hand, he guides my long hair towards my back so that he can tenderly kiss my neck.

(Our passion for each other has always been intense. Our bodies collide and our blood explodes into each other's mouths. He crushes me with his almost mortal emotions.)

In the deafening darkness that surrounds me, chills creep throughout my body as I envision him so close. His breath is warm as I feel his unshaven face at the side of my throat. His arms encircle me as he drinks of my life's essence, and makes me a part of his ecstasy.

(As if to comfort myself from the pain of his absence, I find that I have wrapped my own arms around myself. A yearning pulls at my cold heart as I recall the countless days that he remained in bed with me long after the love making was over.)

In my dream, I fall towards the floor while still in his arms, and he stays with me. My only regret is that I did not have more blood to give to him.

(I feel coldness as I miss him. Not a coldness born of temperature, but one of emptiness. I never thought that I would need him more than he needed me.)

My fantasy ends, and I quickly open my eyes. Again, he has not come. The pain of loneliness brings stinging tears that blur my eyes. Is he with his vampire lover tonight?

(One day, he will stop coming through my door, and on that day a part of me will die.)

As I close my curtains tightly together so that the sun's light will not disturb my sleep, I cannot help but look out my window one last time. Sadly, I turn to pull down the covers of my bed. Maybe tomorrow he will come, and if he does, I will be ready.

(It is time for me to end another night of eternity, and prepare for sleep. The Raven's door stands cold and still. Why does he ignore the stirrings that have called out to him?)

He would have been here by now, if he was coming, but he is not here.

(I am doomed to spend another lonely day without him, but he will return to me- he always does.)

As I drift off to sleep, a contented smile crosses my face as I replay my dream of him, my dream of us.

(The dawn weighs heavily on me, as I hurry down the stairs to enter into the sleep of the undead. One day, he will be waiting for me.)

My eternal love.

(My eternal love.)