This Nick and Nat story takes place around the beginning of the second season, although it really could have taken place during any season. It was written to explain how neither Nicholas nor Natalie really got around to expressing their love for one another until it was too late in "Last Knight." Nick and Nat are about to discover how important timing can be.

Archive Permission: Permission to archive to Mel's FKFanfic Archive, and to the FK FTP site IS GRANTED. All others must ask permission.

Disclaimers: The Forever Knight characters belong to Columbia Tri/Star. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is copyrighted by me.

Please send all comments to GwennM@hotmail.com

Another night off from protecting and serving. Another lonely night away from the mortal community he so wished to be a part of. Another night without the possibility of seeing Natalie. No, that really was not true. The reason he would not see her tonight was his choice. Both of them had the night off tonight, but he hesitated calling her after what had almost happened a few evenings ago. Actually, nothing had happened, and that was what the problem was. Nothing could ever happen as long as this insatiable bloodlust consumed him. The vampire had come close to taking control when he was last with her, and had nearly won. Of course, she never knew how near to death she had been as he had struggled to pull away from her and push down any feelings of love for her. What she had probably thought she had witnessed was his total lack of interest in her. Hopefully, she only believed that he was trying to keep their relationship at a professional level, and not that he did not feel anything towards her. If she only knew how much she meant to him. He had existed for nearly eight centuries, and not until he had met her had life seemed so precious. Although he continually told himself that it was better that she never become involved with him, he could not let her go. It was a dangerous game, he played, of balancing his lingering mortal feelings with the vampire's desires. Each time that he would allow himself to get closer to her, the vampire would try to emerge to claim his prize. During all the times when he would pull her close then push her away, she never once complained. She had accepted him unconditionally, even trusting him with her life. If he told her how much he cared, at least she would be able to understand how he really felt, and how he did not wish to hurt the most valuable thing to come along in all his lifetimes. Putting his feelings into words, would not be easy for him, but he had to try. He had to give her some sense of where she stood with him. He owed her that much. Moving towards where he kept his books, he located a narrow box that was wedged between two very large volumes on Archaeology. After tracking down a pen, he moved back towards the kitchen table and sat down before opening the box. The empty sheets of stationary had been a gift from Janette several decades ago, but the paper was still in excellent condition. He smiled when he looked at the monogram that formed a diamond shape at the top of the page. She had used the initials of his real name, NdB, on the custom paper. Now his thoughts drifted back to what he knew he must do, and his nervousness made the paper in his hand begin to shake. Laying the expensive paper flat before him on the table, he picked up the pen and skillfully, almost artistically, began to write.

Dear Natalie,

Did you think that I could not tell what has been on your mind? Since the night we met, we both knew that we would never be the same again. You should have been afraid of me, for loving me is too dangerous a thing to do. You have done so much for me, but still you are just a child compared to me. I long to hold you endlessly. Each day I lose sleep while I relive each cherished memory of our time together. But now I am afraid to let my eyes meet yours. Afraid of what my need for you might do. The only way I know to protect your love is to not give you mine. Neither of us can ever be the same. This never ending pain inside of me is always there, reminding me how hard it is to live without you. Having love the way we have it hurts so bad. But if the only way to lose this distress of loving you means to not be a part of your life, then I wish for this anguish to never stop. Eternity now moves so much slower as each night turns into another lonely morning without you. If only I could reach you, if only you knew how often I think about you. How often have I sent you away because I knew too well how wrong it is to be in love with me? I must deny what is in my heart for you to be safe, and so must you. When I close my eyes each day to sleep, I can recall the simple touch of your hand on mine or the soft feel of your face as my hand has caressed your skin. I cherish the moments that I have been able to embrace you, to comfort you. And with tremendous pleasure I can always remember your understanding kisses and smiles and the times we shared only a glance or our unspoken words. As much as I wish I could reach out to you, we both know that I cannot. A physical expression of our love is not within our grasp. At least not one where you could survive the love I have to offer. Because of this limitation, our love must exist on a different plane. I cannot let you die because of what I am, but I can tell you how I feel. I now believe that I understand the reason I have lived all of my lifetimes. It was the only way for us to be together, and even with everything that I have endured, I would not hesitate to do it again. If nothing else comes from this letter, please know forever how I feel about you now, and will always feel about you. You are everything to me. You are the only one for me.

All my love forever,

Nicholas

Although he had feared that he would not be able to explain his feelings for her, he was surprised at how easily his words had flowed. Feeling satisfied by the letter, he folded it in half and sealed it in the matching envelope from the box. With one quick stop at the florists, he would soon have the woman he loved know how deeply he cared for her. The night revealed little of a moon, but the skies sparkled with stars as he tucked the letter in his jacket pocket and opened the window to leave.

*****

It's complicated. Nat paced her empty apartment as that simple sentence resounded over and over again in her head. How many times had she said that about their relationship to others...... to herself? Plopping down on the sofa, she rolled her eyes. "I'm either the worst liar or the best at underestimating our situation, Nick." Shaking her head at her own inability to tell Nick what she thought, and what she wanted, she suddenly reached for the phone. This was too important to put off any longer, it was time to tell Nick exactly what was on her mind. After only one ring, his answering machine picked up and she almost hung up. Instead she fortified herself with a long deep breath, and poured her heart out into the telephone.

"Hi Nick, it's Natalie. I hope that you are there because what I have to say cannot wait. I need to know about us, and I want you to know how I feel. Somehow when I was not paying attention, I willingly surrendered my heart and my soul to you. Your desire to be mortal overshadowed my common sense, my every desire. If I had any goals, I cannot remember them now. And if I could remember it would not matter, for my entire reason to exist revolves around you. Each day I search for your cure with the same tenacity that I would hunt for my own solution for a terminal disease. Your struggles are mine. Your battles are mine. I know that you have unsuccessfully fought this demon before, and that our chances for a cure are slim if they even exist at all. I will not give up, as I have always told myself, this cure is as necessary for my survival as it is yours. And if I do nothing else with my life, I will not die with any regrets, even if no solution is ever found. You are the reason for every breath that I take, and every beat of my heart. I know that we share a special relationship, but is there more to it than that for you? I would gladly give to you my life, yet I do not know if we are more than mere friends in your eyes. Am I alone in what I feel? Am I locked into a forbidden love? We seem to be perfect for each other in every way, but we are also so far apart. We exist in different worlds, and I know so little about your world. It never mattered to me what you are, or what you have done, but it means everything to you. I think that I would be able to accept any type of relationship with you, if only you would tell me how you feel. Maybe it is impossible for you to feel anything for me, maybe it is not within the nature of the vampire. Or I may not be as attractive or as interesting after all the exciting others you have been lucky enough to meet throughout the centuries. Why should you love me? Just because I feel that way, does not mean that you must too. After all, there must have been thousands of the most beautiful woman in each generation who have begged to be in your presence. Do I only fool myself to think that each of your tender kisses or embraces is anything more than mere friendship? But no matter what you feel, I will always love you Nicholas. If only you could love me too."

Suddenly, she turned towards the door, thinking that she heard it move, but no one was there so she turned back towards the phone to continue. Nick reached to knock on the door, but stopped as he heard her words filter through with his sensitive hearing. He had rushed to her apartment with immortal speed, but now he felt his presence to be an intrusion, and he waited for her to finish with whoever she spoke with on the telephone before knocking. Each of her sweet words was clear as he anxiously anticipated giving her his note. Silently and patiently he waited as she spoke.

"Sorry, I did not mean to stop, please let me finish all that I must say. No one knows of my love for you, and I promise to always be as discrete as you would wish. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. How I wish I could tell the world, but I understand your need to be private. If you love me as I do you, please call me back. If not, then forget that you have ever heard this message and nothing will change. Whatever you decide, I will always love you."

All his excitement instantly drained from him as he heard her last few statements and the sound of the receiver being placed back into the phone's cradle. Biting hard at his lip, he tightly closed his eyes as he tried to recover from the feeling of being crushed. She was in love with another, and he never knew. Through his pain, he realized that this was the best way. His love would only hurt her. It was more important for her to be with her own kind, not a creature that only lurked in darkness. There was nothing he could offer her but heartache, and she deserved so much more. Whomever this man was, who was lucky enough to be receiving her warm voice message of love, he would certainly be calling back soon. Laying the colorful flowers down on the floor outside her front door, a sad smile formed across his lips as he turned to walk down the stairs. How he wished for her all the best that life could bring. How he wished for her never ending happiness and love. As he reached for the glass door to leave the building, he remembered the letter and pulled it from his pocket. A few feet away from him he watched as the night janitor emptied the trash can into a large black plastic bag. After one last short look at the note, he moved towards the man and placed the letter in his collection bag. With a forced smile, he wished the maintenance man a good evening, and walked out into the night.

Natalie stared at the telephone for a few moments before sliding herself back on the sofa. Finally Nick will know how she feels, and she will have his answer soon. Sitting quietly she tried willing the telephone to ring, and really hoped that it would not be too long before she would know just how Nick felt. Settling back comfortably, she closed her eyes and sighed. Tonight would change everything.

Nick's answering machine had stored Natalie's entire message, and then lit up the message light and readied itself for the next call. With the sounds of Natalie's last recorded words fading into the darkness of the loft, he slowly stood up and walked over to the now flashing message light on the machine. Methodically he slid his cold white finger across one of the buttons, and caused the tape to rewind and the notice light to be extinguished. An amused smile twisted across his face, and with that the satisfaction of knowing that he had been interpreting his protégé’s emotions accurately. It looked as if the timing of this unexpected visit to the loft was perfect. Why how often does one get to hear such a touching display of mortal emotions? Too bad his son was not at home to have collected it.

The End