Well, it's just been one of those days. Life goes on. At least spring's coming! And it's really beautiful outside- not that you'd actually want to be out there, though. It's only 60 degrees- and after the 90 and up degree weather we had yesterday, everybody wore shorts to school and just about froze. Stupid weather.
We're doing stuff on stocks in history class right now. Don't ask me why; it's not like we're doing the great depression or anything. We just all of a sudden decided that we would do economics instead of history. And the teacher insisted that we each bring in a stock page from a newspaper. I found out last night that Monday papers don't have stock pages, so I had to get my brother to stop at a convenience store on the way to school so that I could run in and buy one. Grr. Stupid economics.
I also thought that we had gym today, but I was mistaken. Oh well, that's actually a blessing. The less gym and more health we have, the better. Stupid track and field.
Of course, if I want energy for the mile run, I just need to think about all the things that piss me off, and I'll have plenty of adrenaline. Sometimes, when nothing's going right and people are nagging me and laying guilt trips on me and making me do things I don't want to do and just really being jerks, I get so much of an adrenaline rush that I almost can't control it. I feel like I could pull doors off of hinges and pick up the couch and throw it across the room- stuff like that. Yesterday, I got so mad at my computer that I picked up a ballpoint pen and bent it in half. Oh well; it was out of ink anyway. Stupid jerks.
Of course, the computer wouldn't work for me tonight, the firewall didn't want to connect, I accidentally rebooted the computer when it froze, the scanner won't scan, I keep getting interrupted, I feel bad about it (but still mad about being interrupted in the first place) and I'm cold because I have my bare feet on a concrete floor in our chilly basement, and I had an Italian Ice for desert. Stupid computer.
Basically, I'm totally unsatisfied by the world right now. Usually, I can be basically upbeat and hope that the sun will come out tomorrow, but I'm beginning to wonder. Optimism seems like such a hopeless cause sometimes. I can't wait until the Creation Festival. Hopefully it at least will raise my spirits. But that's quite a while off, and for now, I'll just have to keep myself going with... well, I don't know what. Usually, I pick a bright spot in the coming days and just keep looking forward to it, urging myself to get to it. Right now, though, the only thing that looks good to me is bedtime. It has become my favorite time of the day recently. Sometimes I have such vivid dreams! But sleep is the only time I can escape consciousness, escape my feelings, escape my surroundings... Unless I have a nightmare (which doesn't happen often), in my dreams, I am always warm and comfortable and happy and loved. In real life, none of those four things seem to have pervaded my life. Happiness, maybe, (fleetingly,) but the unhappy things that happen afterwords just take over and darken my bright places. Loved, occasionally (and I know God loves me all of the time), but usually, I can't feel it at all. Maybe, instead of looking forward, I need to look back. Will it bring me nothing but sorrow? I don't know. I guess I'll find out... tomorrow.
