Ok, well, I got a request for more journal entries (thank you, noUH...), so this will probably be one of the more boring pages on this website... or will it? Heh heh heh...
Life still officially stinks, but it's certainly more interesting right now. Ok, first, I had this totally funky dream last night that my great-aunt? grandmother? not sure... was scheduled to die on a Tuesday, and that I somehow got the impression that my entire family and myself would be killed too, at the same time (perhaps to cut down on funeral costs?) and nobody thought this was at all weird and was, apparently, the custom. I made a total fool of myself in dance class (still in the dream) b/c (apparently) when I get nervous and jumpy, I become hyper and stupid (those two almost always go together), and there was a bunch of stuff about classes and a play choreographer... Eventually, when I blew up at my mom and told her I didn't want to die, she finally told me that we weren't going to be killed after all. It was great she let me know so soon...
Your guess is as good as mine where this came from to get into my dreams in the first place. I mean, it's not like I've been taking sudafed before bed or anything. And it wasn't really a nightmare either, because it wasn't entirely scarey... It was just this niggling, creepy thought in the back of my mind when I woke up. It was whacko.
Ok, a couple of ideas where it came from: 1st, my grandmother's in the hospital because she broke her hips and had to get part of it replaced, so I maybe had a bit of subconscious anxiety lingering about her, even though she's fine. And my cousin got in a car accident and has a punctured lung, although she's fine, too. And I was reading dotcomics and the one I read before bed was Spiderman, and his uncle gets killed. And this guy from my teen group, his dad passed away on Wednesday. And my cat is like, practically toothless, and is therefore eating less (she wouldn't eat soft food) and she's like, my best friend in the whole world, and I guess I've been worried about her for a long time. But what is this subconscious worry about death all of a sudden?
Like, my mom thought I took the wrong medicine one morning (I didn't) and called the nurse b/c she was afraid I was gonna, like, pass out in the middle of my chem class or something. So I get this note to go to the nurse, and she says, "You're Ashley? Sit down." Now, it's never good when they tell you sit down, and the first thought that runs through my head is, something's happened to my mom. Now, I know perfectly well that if something did happen to my mom, they wouldn't send me to the nurse, they'd send me to the guidance counselor. But it was my automatic reaction.
And the other morning, when my mom woke me up and told me that when I was up to come out to the living room b/c she had something to tell me... My automatic thought was, something's happened to Grandma, even though I know perfectly well that Grandma's fine! (And no, it had nothing to do with Grandma.) But the point is, usually I'm really uptight about things like my grades and my mom telling me to clean up my room and stuff like that, but what is this subconscious expectation of death all of a sudden? I'm still worried about my grades and my mom seeing the state of my room, but still, there's this little voice in the back of my head that is really starting to tick me off.
Oh, and I took a beautiful walk this evening. I love autumn.
Well, did that make your day more pleasant? C'mon, I told you it'd be a boring page... :)
