by (c)Harvey Ehrlich
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked
stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Santa Clues.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.
What’s the difference between a reindeer and a grape?
They're both purple, except for the reindeer.
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claus-trophobic.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse.
The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped.
The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads.
Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised
To build a red trike for one of our boys.
When off in the hall there arose a strange noise
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys.
The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall.
Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess
I suspect he was lost, but he’d never confess.
He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools
Emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools.
After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape.
He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt.
His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke
“The directions are Greek, it’s all a sick joke”!
At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear
He’ll do something stupid; this was my big fear.
He grabbed each toy’s instructions, oh why won’t he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting “burn baby burn”!
“Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too”!
As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue.
To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all.
Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see.
The firemen came, dressed in yellow, like sun
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and dialed 9-1-1.
Out came the axe, out came the hoses
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses.
“There’s no trouble here,” I swore up and down
Realizing this faux pas would soon be ‘round town.
“My husband’s a good man,” I tried to explain
“The instructions weren’t clear. It drove him insane”.
The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew.
But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight
“Her husband’s the third jerk who’s done that tonight!”
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode.
Only one creature was stirring, & she was cleaning the commode.
the children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 & Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter!"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, & saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great" muttered the mom. "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A clone!" whe muttered, "What good is that?"
Then out walked the clone - The mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream has come true!"
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy!! Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet."
The cloned replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled. "She sure knows her part."
The cloned changed the small one & hummed her tune
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever, I really love you."
The clone smiled & sighed, "And I love you, too."
The mom frowned & said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's LOVE she is trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."
The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle & song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight,
Merry Christmas, dear Mom. You will be alright."
Other mythical holiday characters that are men:
Father Time shows up yearly, unshaven and looking ominous. -- Definitely a guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons. -- Definite guy.
Uncle Sam is a finger-pointing politician. -- Again, a guy.
St. Nick?! HA! - Not a chance! Christmas is a huge, organized, warm and fuzzy,
nurturing, social type deal. -- A guy couldn't possibly pull it all off!
Also:
Men don't answer their mail.
Men don't even thing about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
Being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described,
even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly".
Men can't pack a bag.
A male Santa would get lost in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions.
And finally, there would be no reindeer because they would all
be dead, gutted, and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
So ya see....Santa Has To Be A Woman!
