Dogs believe they are human~Cats believe
they are God~
LAW OF CAT PHYSICS
A cat at rest will tend to remain at
rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force - such
as the
opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line,
unless there is a
really good reason to change
direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters
attract cat hair
in direct proportion to the darkness of
the
fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler
body, except in
the case of a cat, in which case all
heat flows to
the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance
proportional to the
length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever
possible, in
a position as uncomfortable for the
people involved,
and as comfortable as possible for the
cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to
reach just
about any counter top that has anything
remotely
interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a
position to
obstruct the maximum amount of human
foot
traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant
rate, until he
gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything
good is
served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat
state for
very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion
to a human's
desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be
created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as
little energy
as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be
stored by a
lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long
enough, someone
will come along and take out something
good to
eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat
will jump into
the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take
over, the
most comfortable spot in any given
room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must
contain a cat
within the earliest possible
nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct
proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human
laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk,
squared, just to
show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly
proportional to the cost of the
furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest
place possible;
often the mid-section of an
unsuspecting, reclining
human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her
own volume,
minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in
inverse
proportion to the amount of effort a
human expends in
trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the
potential energy to
reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter +
Anti-Matter + It
Doesn't Matter.
Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of
a sudden.
You find a stash of "Feline Fortune"
magazines behind the couch.
Cyanide paw prints all over the
house.
Droppings in the litter box spell out
"REDRUM."
Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900
number on your bill.
Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy
and Scratchy" are on.
You find blueprints for a Rube Goldburg
device that starts with a mouse chased
into a hole and ends with flaming oil
dumped on your bed.
Actually acknowledges your presence
Has taken a sudden interest in the wood
chipper.
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of
Marlboros on your doorstep.
Ball of yarn playfully tied into a
hangman's noose.
You find a piece of paper labeled "MY
WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
Now sharpens claws on your car's brake
lines.
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not
happy.
5) When you want to play, they want
to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they
want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their
every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm
and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in
fur coats.
St Peter is receptionist at the entrance
of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter
says "I know you! You were a very nice
cat on earth and didn't cause any
trouble, so I want to offer a gift to
you of one
special thing you have always wanted."
Cat; "Well, I did always long to own a
nice satin pillow like my master had, so
I could lie on it."
St Peter says "That's easy. Granted. You
shall have the satin pillow after you
enter in."
Next, a group of mice
appeared and St Peter greeted them and
said: "Ah, I remember you. You were such
good mice on earth. You didn't steal
food from anyone's house and never hurt
other animals. Therefore, I want to
grant you one special wish you have
always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we
always watched the children playing and
saw them roller skate, and it was
beautiful, and it looked like so much
fun. So can we each have some roller
skates, please?"
And St Peter says "Granted. You shall
have your wish."
The next day St
Peter is making the rounds inside the
Gates, and sees the cat. "Well,
Cat...Did you enjoy the satin
pillow?"
And the cat smiles and says, "Oh, indeed
I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels"
thing was a nice touch, too!"
A Cat's Resolutions
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Never eat the cat food I spill on to the floor. Humans are around, they can clean it up. If they can't put it in the center of the bowl, it's their problem.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Not eat just anything the Big Owner lays out for me. I will do my best to hold out for superior brands of food...like Haagen Dazs.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Extend the freshness of my cat box by using it only half the time.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Never push items off the headboard on to the owners heads while they are sleeping...unless, of course, they are sleeping in late. Then all bets are off. Late is anything after my new 6:00 a.m. feeding time.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Avoid the Vet like a dog. I will never
again fall for the "lure me in to the carrying case with kitty treats" trick again.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Purr...Owners love it when cats purr. I will purr as loud as possible in my Big Owner's ear. Most often at 3 a.m. when he is trying to sleep and I am bored.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Never cough up hair balls in different
parts of the house. I'll wait until the dead of night and lay them out on the carpet next to the Big Owner's bed...and watch him step in it first thing in the morning.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Drive owners crazy trying to figure out if I want to go 'in' or 'out' the door each morning.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Act more disinterested than ever in human activities. This will mean adding two additional hours to my sleep schedule every day. It's going to be tough but someone has to lead by example.
I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Act less human than ever this year by
KEEPING all my resolutions.
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your
house, you don't have to pretend you
like it.
You never have to spend time with your
CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may
actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs
when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a
guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay
if a CAT rubs up against your best
friend.
You don't have to worry about
your CAT turn into a pig when you host a
party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his
happiness... a man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little
light petting will satisfy him.
Cyber Pet
Your guide to pet information
THE
END ;-)