1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I am in shape. Round, it's a shape...

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Have you ever realized? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anybody going faster than you is a maniac.

9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. Whenever I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

10. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

11. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem and you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

12. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say it's because they are such beautiful animals. There you go. I think my mother is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her.

13. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store.

14. If all is not lost, where is it? I sure can't find it....