I added this page because I was getting annoyed because my brother wanted to watch the WWF's Wrestlemania and not let me watch The Simpsons. Ironically, I found this at a wrestling website when I searched for pro-simpsons essays.
The Simpsons vs. The WWF
Written by BFP
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of writing about how bad Raw was. I'm sick of purposely avoiding Smackdown because it's so horrible. I'm sick of spending $30 on Pay Per Views, only to realize by 8:45 that I wasted my money. So why do I do it?
I think my answer is the same as most wrestling fans. We've done it forever. We survived through Doink. We survived all of Vince Russo's crap. We survived Hulkamania Versions 1 through 6. We can survive this....right? Maybe some of you can. But I was never a big Hulkamaniac. I hated Vince Russo before it was cool to hate him. And I watched the Doink stuff because I was 12 years old.
But now, I see no need to blindly follow the WWF and all they do. And the ratings seem to indicate that I'm not alone. Actually, there's a lot of people who feel the same way.
I know a lot of people who say that Raw is their favorite show. As for me, I've always been torn between two things, wrestling and The Simpsons. I'll go on record and say that yes, the Simpsons newest season has also been sub-par compared to what they're capable of. But at least I don't feel like an idiot for watching them. And THEY don't have any giant breasted ugly women rolling around as their father admits to staring at his daughter's hideous chest. So here's what I decided. I'm gonna break it down, and find out, which IS better. The WWF or The Simpsons.
I divided things into 11 major categories. It was originally just 10, but since that left the possibility of a tie, I went with a tiebreaker. I did not base these categories on past accomplishments, rather current storylines and product. So without further ado, let's get going with....
THE WWF VS. THE SIMPSONS
Head Honchos: Vince McMahon vs. Matt Groening
I know that some may say that Vince isn't really a head honcho anymore, seeing as it's obvious Stephanie does what Stephanie wants, and he's also got Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, HHH, Steve Austin(to a lesser extent), The Undertaker and the possible return of Shawn Michaels to deal with. And Vince's track record shows that he's pretty spineless when faced with wrestlers abusing their political power backstage. Either way, I've also heard that Matt Groening backs down to Ian Maxtone Graham any time he uses his stroke. However, Groening has never bought any of his daughters abnormally large giant breasts, then admitted to staring at them.
Both have their flaws. We've seen the hideous Tracy Ullman cartoons, right? We've seen the WWF from 1980 to 1999 right? Even the Simpsons first couple of seasons were sketchy at best, much like McMahon's early WWF, before both men hit a hot streak. So who's better?
As much as I enjoy Matt Groening, I just can't pick a guy who draws rabbit cartoons over a man who lept off a cage onto a table, and who agreed to pee his pants on national TV.
Advantage: WWF(1-0)
Main Characters: Steve Austin, The Rock, HHH(WWF vs. Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, Mr. Burns(Simpsons)
The bread and butter. This is what everything revolves around. So who holds the stories together the best? I picked the top 3 stars of each, for starters. The guys who have stayed at the top while others have come and gone and had their run in the spotlight. So let's go head to head.
Steve Austin and Homer Simpson. These two have similar histories, really. Both men played second fiddle for a while, despite their surging popularity. And in both cases, when these men were made the top star of their respective shows, the shows took off. Both are bald. Both drink, heavily. And both have wives who have some sort of freakish appearance, with Marge's hair and Debra's face. But who's better of these two super power men?
Steve Austin has made the word "WHAT" funny and effective. He's also written bible verses, apparently. However, Homer Simpson actually got HIS made up word into the dictionary. I haven't bothered to check and make sure that I'm right about that, but who are you to judge me? Unless you're a judge. Or Han Solo.
Either way, Austin's selling points are his ring skills. He can beat anyone! Except the NWO....recently he couldn't survive a 3 on 1 attack, and was left a hobbling, giant knee brace wearing, married to a woman with a plastic shell for a face, beaten excuse of a man.
Homer Simpsons was once attacked by 3 men in a bar while standing up for his son. They hit him repeatedly with their fists and pool sticks. Homer didn't even fall down!!! In your face, Austin!
Austin is also popular because of his interview skills. Sure, he's entertaining. But he's never said the following quotes:
"If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman-and I have no interest in that, besides occasionaly wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"Mmmmm, sacrilicious"
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
With gems like that, I can't in good conscience give Steve Austin the advantage. So let's move on to the stars who are arguably as big, but younger. The Rock and Bart Simpson. Again, two men with similar pasts. Both were thrust into the spotlight and initially accepted, but it became apparent they couldn't carry their load. For Rocky, it was jobbing to Owen Hart and joining The Nation months later. Bart? Well, he just got shoved aside in favor of Homer.
As popular as these two are, they seem to be better when they're bad. They're even bad when they're good! The Rock was everyone's hero, despite verbally abusing and bullying poor defenseless homosexuals like Michael Cole and The Coach. And Bart's always up to no good, even when his intentions are the best.
I think what it boils down to here is the simple fact that The Rock seems to be his hitting his stride now, while Bart's time in the spotlight has already come and gone, and he is now, at best, a supporting player. I'll go with Rock here.
Which brings us to the top heel. I know HHH isn't a heel, but he's probably the worst babyface ever. Both men also have that "so heel that they are cool" persona, and have legions of fans. But when you're picking heels, it comes down to simple brain power and pure evilness.
HHH prides himself on being the "cerebral assassin".....and if he's the smartest man in the WWF, it's full of retards. When HHH decides he wants to hurt a man, instead of just having him shot or killed like Burns would do, HHH makes giant elaborate schemes that trick his opponent, leaving him open for a 30 second beatdown. But HHH doesn't even bother to make sure other faces won't make the save, so his beat downs never even result in hospital visits. What a moron.
In terms of pure evil, HHH has attacked people with sledge hammers and had Steve Austin hit with a car. Mr. Burns made a device to block out the sun AND stole oil from a public school. Now THAT'S a heel! Easy advantage here. Burns all the way. That gives The Simpsons a 2-1 nod in this category.
Advantage: Simpsons(1-1)
Catch Phrases:
D'oh!(Homer) vs. What?(Steve Austin)
If You Smell What The Rock is Cookin!(The Rock) vs. Eat My Shorts(Bart)
I AM THAT DAMN GOOD(HHH) vs. Excellent(Mr. Burns)
It's True! It's True!(Kurt Angle) vs. HA-HA!(Nelson Muntz)
WHOOOO! (Ric Flair) vs. BUURRRRPP! (Barney Gumble)
D'oh and What are the biggest catch phrases in each company. Simple words that even the stupidest of us can use, and understand. Maybe that's the appeal. However, D'oh has lasted for a LONG, LONG time. And what seems to be slightly fading already. So if it's still around in 5 years, I'll rethink it, but as of right now, D'oh! Gets my pick. What? No. D'oh!
The Rock and Bart go for more of a "T-shirt" type phrase, as their individual lines have spawned millions of dollars in T-shirt revenues. And both have had witty encounters with OTHERS using their phrases. Rock had goofy Mick Foley say his line, and Principal Skinner graced us with the classic, "Eat my shorts, young man!" But let's be honest. Eat My Shorts is pretty gay. And if you tried getting 15,000 people to chant along with you, you'd be beaten to death. Rock gets the nod here.
I AM THAT DAMN GOOD or Excellent. No contest. Excellent. Or as Homer would say, "Exactly....d'oh!"
It's True, It's True or Ha-Ha is tough. I really enjoy both, actually, and jump at the opportunity to use either in actual conversation. However, It's True is VERY limited in chance to be used, whereas Ha-Ha! can be used early and often. Someone tell you their car broke down? HA-HA! What's that? Your girlfriend caught you humping a dried out watermelon? HA-HA! Oh, you've got 14 minutes to live? HA-HA! Nelson all the way.
Ric Flair has style, he has class. Barney Gumble is a fat drunk. Complete opposites are brought together here. It's weird that each of their catch phrases aren't actually phrases, or even words, which is why I paired them together. I don't really have much to say here, so seeing as the Simpsons already got 3 votes, I'll make it seem closer and pick Barney. But The Simpsons still have the better catch phrases, hands down.
Advantage: Simpsons(2-1)
Storylines:
This one is tough because both show's style of storytelling is different. While the WWF goes from week to week building onto stories, the Simpsons usually tell one story each week. I'll admit the way the WWF does things is probably much harder, trying to keep interest in the same thing week after week, while The Simpsons writers can pretty much do anything they want. That made me think of giving the pick to the WWF. Then I thought about the storylines they've chosen to present in a week after week format. Two big Texan guys hate two gay guys. Zany wackiness ensues. Not exactly my cup of tea. Three really old sub-par wrestlers come in and dominate a roster of almost 100 younger, more athletic wrestlers. VERY believable. And let's not forget that awesome storyline with the European Champion. Wait...is there still a European champ? Who cares. But the crown jewel of WWF storylines? Of course it's how Stephanie McMahon is a very powerful, sexy, intelligent woman that fans tune in to see every week. And the main event at Wrestlemania? Simply a subplot to further the Stephanie saga. THANK GOD! So to recap, we've got crap. More crap. Nonexistent crap. And a chick who's got a narcissist complex crap. I love Lex Luger references.
As for The Simpson storylines? Homer alone has fought aliens on Jerry Springer, played baseball with Daryl Strawberry, flown in space, won a grammy, nearly die from a blowfish, join the Stonecutters, resist the temptation of Mindy Simmons AND gone to clown school. Mr. Burns looking for love? The Comic Book Guy and Skinner's mom humping? ALL add up to laughs. That's enough to give the Simpsons the win in this category, and I haven't even mentioned countless episodes.
Advantage: Simpsons(3-1)
Merchandise:
Both of these shows are merchandising giants. You couldn't go anywhere in 1990-1991 without seeing Bart Simpsons face on something. Likewise, the WWF has their hand in multiple facets of the entertainment worlds.
In the world of writing, the WWF has scored with several hit books, including 2 by Mick Foley. The Rock, Chyna & Kurt Angle have also had variable success with their books. The Simpsons have scored as well with The Complete Guide To The Simpsons, a comprehensive book detailing every episode of the show. The Gospel According To The Simpsons is a very unique book, though not many have seen it. And let's not forget their awesome comic books. Tough call there, but I don't think anything written about The Simpsons is as good as Mick Foley's books.
Music? Well we've got to pick between "Songs In The Key of Springfield" or "The Wrestling Album"...and as much as I love The Simpsons, I can't cast my vote AGAINST Nikolai Volkoff singing Cara Mia. Classic. Sure, they both have other CD's, but nothing's as good as the two I mentioned.
Toy lines are a tough call as well. Do I go with the Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley figure that has no panties, or Muumuu Homer? Do I prefer my Koko B. Ware LJN figure over Ralph Wiggum, or vice versa? I pick the Simpsons here, for two sole reasons. Wrestling figures are good, but they've oversatured themselves to the point of annoyance. Do I REALLY need 37 variants of Steve Austin? Yes. But most other people don't. And the other reason, the WWF never released a Bumblebee Man figure. The Simpsons did.
Video games are no contest. WWF games are great, and Simpson games almost universally suck, unless they're for the NES. I'll take No Mercy over ANY Simpsons game, even Bart vs. The World.
And last, there is clothing. More importantly, T-shirts. I love my Simpsons Sopranos shirt. And there are many other great Simpson shirts. Same with WWF. BUT, the Simpsons suffered from the same fate as the WWF toy line, oversaturation. As I said before, you couldn't go anywhere without seeing Bart Simpson, and in the long run, it hurt them. Teenage Mutant Ninja Simpsons T-shirt? Sure I owned one, but I won't wear it anymore. However, I still wear my Junkyard Dog shirt any chance I get. THUMP!
Advantage: WWF(2-3)
Major Feuds: Homer vs. Flanders, Homer vs. Burns, Lisa vs. Bart(Simpsons), Austin vs. NWO, Stephanie vs. HHH, Logical Entertaining Shows vs. The Booking Team(WWF)
Nothing gets people interested in shows more than good old, ongoing hatred. The WWF relies on it, while the Simpsons uses it as a launching pad for ideas. Homer has always hated Ned Flanders, and the best part of this feud is that Ned is either oblivious to it or chooses to ignore it and treats Homer great, making Homer hate him even more. Homer vs. Bart is another good one, as it's on again-off again. Half the time, Homer has Bart in his patented choke hold, then they are trying to pull off a crazy prank together. And Bart vs. Lisa is a feud that will never die, despite the fact that they often work together. They've solved mysteries, gotten family members back together and even attempted to take down Itchy & Scratchy head honcho Roger Meyers Jr. Despite all this, Bart can't resist the chance to make his little sister look like a tool, which leads to their epic battles. All of these are well thought out feuds, with solid backstories, no tremendous holes in the plot, and just interesting in general.
And then there's the WWF. Now some might tell me, "You're saying these feuds aren't good, but that's just your opinion." Well no freaking crap, I'm writing this thing. Stephanie vs. HHH? It sucks, and it makes the World title AND Wrestlemania main event seem less important. GOOD BOOKING STEPH!
Let's just take a look at the current Wrestlemania card, and some rumred matches. HHH vs. Jericho? They have an EASY backstory as Jericho could harp on his pinfall win in April 2000. But they choose to ignore it so HHH can make realllly lame vagina jokes. Hogan and The Rock will be pretty historic, but I gotta wonder if Hogan vs. Austin in '98 would have even been bigger, when wrestling was hot and both guys were still drawing big numbers. I guess I'll take what I can get when it comes to important matches nowadays. Austin vs. Hall? Cinderblocks? Come on, do you guys REALLY think we'll buy that as real? Seeing as we know it's scripted anyway, why couldn't you just use a chair for the exact same effect? And oh yeah, Scott Hall sucks. APA vs. Chuck and Billy is possibly the worst tag title feud since...well, since the last time the APA feuded for the tag belts. RVD vs. Regal should be a fine match, but the only story is that RVD won a match to get the shot.....wouldn't logic dictate that Edge MIGHT want the shot? Or possibly even, you know, BE IN THAT MATCH FOR THE SHOT AT MANIA? Kane vs. Angle is worthless to both men, but if anyone can make Kane have a good match, it's Angle. Booker T and Edge are feuding over Japanese shampoo. Now that's enthralling. And that's all I can think of. And to me, it all sucks.
Sadly, the WWF's most lethal feud is the last one, which gives The Simpsons the win here.
ADVANTAGE: Simpsons(4-2)
Roster Depth:
Including their developmental territories, the WWF has a strong roster. One of the strongest wrestling has ever seen. But to show true roster talent, you need to have several guys who could be legit main eventers, several guys who are entertaining in the mid-card, and of course, jobbers, curtain jerkers and dark match workers. The WWF is pretty stacked there. Austin, Rock, Angle, HHH, Hogan, Nash, Taker, Jericho, all could plausibly main event a PPV. Their mid-card isn't lacking in talent as much as it's lacking in direction and good angles. That's not the fault of the wrestlers. You've got Booker T, RVD, Regal, Lance Storm, Tajiri, The Hurricane, The Dudleys, The Hardys, Taz, and let's not forget Michael Cole's alter ego, Trish Stratus. And the curtain jerkers are fine too. But overall, is it better than the Simpsons?
Of course the Simpsons have the obvious start with the actual Simpson family. That's 4 main characters you can revolve around.(I think revolving an entire episode around Maggie would be a stretch without heavily involving Marge or Homer), then they've got Moe, Burns, Grampa, Smithers, Skinner, Nelson, Milhouse, Comic Book Guy, Apu, Patty, Selma, Chief Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, and the list goes on and on. In terms of mid-carders, as in people who've never had an episode based on them, you've got Lenny, Carl, Hans Moleman, Pimply Faced Teen, Rainier Wolfcastle, Kent Brockman, Bumblebee Man, Captain McAlister, Snake...etc. etc. This is a tough one, so I'll go with the roster I enjoy more. And as much as I love Tajiri, I can't vote against Disco Stu. Back away...not today...Disco Lady!
Advantage: Simpsons(5-2)
Number of People on Show with last name of Palumbo:
Come on, I had to help Vince out a bit, it's turning into a blowout!
Advantage: WWF(3-5)
Best "Major" Shows:
With Wrestlemania coming up, I decided to make this a category. Wrestlemania was the cornerstone of the WWF becoming a huge success, and they risked a lot on it. Their gamble paid off, and we've been given 17 sequels to the original. Side note, Hulk Hogan main evented the first one, and in 17 years of other stars being elevated....Hulk Hogan has now dropped down to the SECOND highest match on the card.
But what is the Simpsons "major" show? Well the only recurring show they really have is their Treehouse of Horrors, and we've been given 12 Treehouses thus far, so it's got almost as many installments as Wrestlemania. Fans of the WWF look forward to Wrestlemania every year, just as Simpson fans eagerly await Treehouse of Horrors. So let's break it down a bit.
The best Wrestlemania ever is tough, but you could argue the 1987(3), 1996(12) and 2001(17) editions were all excellent shows, with the most memorable matches. I don't know that I have a personal favorite Treehouse of Horrors episode, but off the top of my head, I'd pick Treehouse 10(Flanders Werewolf, Cmic Book Guy steals Xena, Y2K) or Treehouse 4(Devil Flanders, Nightmare Bus, Dracula).
So here's the thing, I'm sure I'll get some flak for this, but Wrestlemania is almost completely hype. We've had 17 of them, and I'd give a thumbs down to at least 10 of them, possibly more. As far as Treehouse of Horrors? I don't think I dislike any of them. So when it comes to the annual yearly show, The Simpsons are far more reliable to deliver the goods, which I think gives them the edge here. Even if the WWF DID give us Koko B. Ware vs. Rick Martel at a Wrestlemania.
Advantage: Simpsons(6-3)
Women:
I think it's safe to say there's at least some kind of audience who watches the WWF solely for the women. As minute as that crowd probably is, the WWF seems to think it's a massive part of the crowd, as women are generally pushed much farther than they should be. So, I figured I'd make it into a category here.
The WWF has Trish, Lita, Stacy, Debra, Terri, Ivory, Steph, Molly, Jackie, Jazz, Torrie and....well, if there's any others, I can't think of them, but I'm guessing they have big boobs and can do snap mares. And horrible body slams.
The Simpsons have Marge, Lisa, Maggie, Edna Krabappel, Patty, Selma and countless others. The Simpsons have an obvious advantage in sheer number of women characters. But this category is tricky.
You see, the WWF has few women, but their major purpose(in some cases, SOLE purpose) is to stand around, show off giant boobs and get guys to chant about seeing them naked. The Simpsons women are fairly the same as Simpsons men, they're supposed to be funny. However....they really aren't. When Lisa or Marge deliver a line, I rarely laugh. I cough sometimes, but that's due to bacteria and viruses, not humorous lines.
The simple fact of the matter is, while their jobs may be easier, the WWF women DO their jobs. Trish is meant to go out, show her big boobs and wear pants that reveal her buttcheeks, and she does just that. Marge is supposed to make me laugh, and she doesn't. I'm going with the WWF here.
Advantage: WWF(4-6)
Best Celebrity Appearances:
The WWF loves to make us think that celebrities LOVE them. They'll flaunt any celebrity that shows up at any show, period. But are their celebrities better than Simpson celebs? And are their appearances better? Let's see.
The WWF's had some top celebrities. Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on Smackdown and clocked HHH. And who could forget the adorable cast of Rollerball? That movie was so good, it was in theaters!! Here's some other mega-stars the WWF has had. Lou Ferrigno AKA The Incredible Hulk!!! Liberace AKA The Incredible Flame!!! Chuck Norris AKA THE HUMAN KICK MACHINE!!! Let's not forget Butterbean, because what we need in wrestling is MORE fat, pale bald guys. King Kong Bundy is NOT enough! Mr. T and Lawrence Taylor both main evented at Wrestlemanias, thank God. And who could forget the amazing appearances of Bob Euchre! "Get your foot off my shoulder" he shouted to Andre in CLASSIC fashion that only an alumnus of Mr. Belvedere could shout in! That kid from Home Improvement probably caused a 1.5 jump in the buyrates, HANDS DOWN! And Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson paved the way for fake breasted blonde women to stand at ringside for no particular reason!! And nothing says "movie star" like the kid from Home Alone standing in the crowds of Wrestlemania. Yes, the WWF has STAR POWER written all over it. It's a veritable magnet for megastars!
The Simpsons have had their share of celebrities as well. Mel Gibson was in a great episode where he even made Three Stooges noises while shooting up Congress. Bret Hart has even made a WWF-Simpsons crossover, albeit a small one. Ron Howard has appeared several times, his best appearance being when he attacked Homer on the Hollywood Squares set. Paul McCartney and George Harrison and Ringo Starr have all been on, though for the life of me I'm not sure if it was really Ringo's voice. That's 75% of the Beatles people!!! We've also been blessed with Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger. And I'm only listing celebrities who've appeared as themselves. That doesn't include Phil Hartman. You may remember him from such character voices as Troy McClure and attorney Lionel Hutz!! Also, Kelsey Grammar and David Hyde Pierce provide the voices of Sideshow Bob and brother Cecil. And in what I feel is the topper, Lisa's dreamboat in the future, Hugh Parkfield is voiced by Mandy Patinkin. Don't recognize his name? He's more famous for saying this. "Hello...my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die." And THAT is from a movie that starred Andre The Giant as a brute who liked to rhyme. Based on that, the Simpsons win, yet again.
ADVANTAGE: SIMPSONS(7-4)
And that's that. We have a decisive winner, with The Simpsons pummeling the WWF, 7 to 4. Keep in mind that of the 4 WWF points, only 2 were truly relevant, so that makes this seem even more like a rout. This isn't really bashing the WWF, it's glorifying The Simpsons. OK, it is bashing the WWF. But they deserve it for sucking so bad, when they have the roster that could easily rule. I mean, the WWF was pretty awesome in 2000, and the roster is still essentially the same, minus Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, but they now have the easy access to buy ANY talent they want. So yes, I do fault them entirely for sucking.
As far as The Simpsons go, are they at their peak? No, they've been better. Are they still good and entertaining? Most definitely. AHHH! Cobras! That's classic. I'll take decent Simpsons over crappy WWF any day. And if anyone has a Toyfare mailaway Radioactive Homer, I'll be happy to take THAT as well, if the price is right. I hope you enjoyed my little experiment here. It wasn't meant to be funny, or even thoughtful. But I did it for fun, not because I like any of you. Well, I like YOU. That's right, you who are reading this. Unless you're one of the readers I don't like, which you almost certainly are. If that's the case, I hate you. Please, if you're a reader I don't hate, don't take that personally, because I don't hate all of you. Just those of you that I hate. Not you that I don't hate. I hate those people that I hate that think I don't hate them. But I hate it when I don't hate someone and they think I hate them, because someone I DO hate said that to someone I don't hate that I hate them. ISN'T THAT RIGHT QUACKENBUSH??
Errr....now I don't even know what I'm talking about. VIVA LA SIMPSONS!
-BFP
