Gracie: Sir, that is one really, really purple Russian Sir!
Beth: Do all the women in the bureau have to wear those really masculine shoes?
Gracie: oh, no I get these made special by the same guy that put the tattoo on my ass
Victor: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half masticated cow rolling around in your wide open trap.
Victor: It's not the bloody Ice Capades, glide!
Gracie: gliding!
Victor: don't pick your feet up, don't pick your feet up...why are you picking your feet up?
Gracie: because I'm preparing to run away!
Victor: No wait, watch me, glide, glide...see? glide! It's all in the buttocks! Don't I look pretty?
Gracie: It takes a very secure man to walk like that
I'm gliding here! -Gracie
Gracie: look she's gonna cry again...If I only had a brain!
Victor: your hair should make a statement!
Gracie: as long as it doesn't say thank you very much for the country music award!
Gracie: don't need that, with all this foil in my head I'm getting HBO
Gracie: I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved and I'm armed, don't mess with me *she trips and falls*...I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm good
Eric: operation thong has commenced
Gracie: why don't you stun gun yourself?
One little mistake and I'm a bloody bell hop. -Victor
Gracie: Question, in Hawaii don't you use 'aloha' for like hello & goodbye?
Hawaii: so?
Gracie: so if you're on the phone with somebody & they won't stop talking, how do you get them off because you say 'ok take care, aloha'..don't they like start all over again?
Gracie: Eric, I haven't slept in 2 days
Eric: I'll give you a cookie
Gracie: better be a big one
Victor: what, no armored car?
Gracie: that would be in my other dress
you happy? you donut Nazi -Gracie
Gracie: I was dating him for awhile because he told me he had an incurable disease...yeah I didn't realize it was stupidity
Victor: Smilers wear the crown, losers wear a frown
Gracie: I would so love to hurt you right now
Victor: as long as you smile
Eric: you wanna know why I picked you?
Gracie: lost a bet?
Gracie: ooh Vic is gonna kill you
Eric: what?
Gracie: you in big trouble
Eric: why? you fell
Gracie: big trouble
Eric: you look good wet
Gracie: shut up
Gracie: what, hemmoroid ointment? you really think the judges are gonna be looking that closely?
Stan: What is the one most important thing our society needs?
Gracie: That would be harsher punishment for parole violaters, Stan....and....world peace.
Now if you'd excuse me I have to go unsrew my smile. -Gracie
Stan: Describe your perfect date.
Cheryl: Thats a tough one...I'd have to say April 25th, because its not too hot and not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
Cheryl: One time I stole red underwear from a department store. My mother wouldn't buy them for me she said they were Satan's panties.
Victor: If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be something like you...which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians...interviews. -Stan
Gracie: I mean I know we all secretly hope that the other one will trip & fall on her face but...oh wait, I've already done that.
Cathy: All you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country
Gracie: what, you think their dream is to get blown up?
Cathy: They steal my life, they steal my beauty pagent
Gracie: hey, hey its not a beauty pagent, its a scholarship program
Cathy: yeah, yeah
Gracie: Yes
You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna date me. -Gracie (my favorite quote from the whole movie!)
I'm very honored...& moved...& truly touched...& I really do want world peace. -Gracie
Gracie's dad: Are you a lesbian?
Gracie: Dad...*laughs & snorts*...I wish