50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN
THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on,
wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've
found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably
for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone
who looks at you.
3. When your computer is
turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing
to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, &
repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often
stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each
computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song
and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly
startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to
tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send
to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual
sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a
chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."
mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while.
Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then
stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress,
and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal
before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare
disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your
fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press
Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"
and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making
out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them,
but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in
your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're
sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever
there is processing time required.
21. Draw a
picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try
to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men)
are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3
1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on,
ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out
the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say
that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the
screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out
at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen,
grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure,
making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this
releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look
for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British
Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.
Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer
and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and
sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor
and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish
in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice
& make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign
a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp,
etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this
way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over,
saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard
& taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of
magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations,
pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer
in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of
hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is
noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look
at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an
entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your
head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim:
"Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder
it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go
to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer
is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's
next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did
that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language
while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table,
walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly
start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible
bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send
a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your
lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really
absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen.
Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer
lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly.
Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss
the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug
the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk
out.
48. Run into the computer
lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black
and Decker chain saw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person
and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the
next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.