I am a child of Abuse!
I have been in and out of Mental Hospitals most of my life! The Turning Point came when I decided to take Power Over my Dark Thoughts of Depression, of Suicide and Self-Abuse. I had a lot of help along the way. Most of it came from other survivors and friends that understood. The Mental Health System wasn't much help in the beginning as you can see in the story that follows. I am glad to say that The System has gotten a little better but still has a long way to go. I owe a great debt to The Mental Health Consumer/Survivor/Ex-Patient Movement. It gave me a voice when I had No Voice and the opportunity to give back what others had so willingly given to me. Some of These Poems and Stories might be a little hard for you to take. Some were written in anger or as therapy. All in all these were my experiences.
Arthur Lee/WolfDancer

Sequence #1 Brain Police


I was sitting in my shack
I was laying back
Feeling kinda lame in the brain
When they came for me
Put Down, Tied Up
They came for me
Those Brain Police

What had I done?
Why had they come?
Took me Away
Put me on a Unit
in a room with nothing in it
but me and my pain
Those Brain Police

Hours later
or was it days
Someone let me out of the room
with no windows
padded floor and walls
A white coat came and talked to me
Said he was there to help
How can you help?
A life of pain
Do you have the answers?
Can you help me place the blame?
No one is to Blame
You have a Bio-Chemical Imbalance
and it has made you Insane

Take these he said
as he gave me some purple pills
They'll make you well
in no time at all
And after that
YOU WILL ATTEND!
Doctors Rounds
Therapy Groups
Arts and Crafts
Drama
and Current Events
No Questions Asked
YOU WILL ATTEND
OR ELSE!!!!

Well, I went to a group
and when they tried to
drag me into the conversation
I withdrew further into may pain
Come out! Come out!
The gang begged and pleaded
and then....
A nurse with a smile
but heart of stone
said...
If you don't participate
you'll be forced back
into the room
The one with no windows
and padded floor
and walls,
but this time
we won't let you out
till you decide
to become an active
member of this unit

What does that mean I called out?
That means your behavior is
Most Inappropriate!
and you'll be sorry you talked back
You'll be glad we're doing this
You'll see
We'll make you better sooner or later

They took me away
and locked me in into the room
the one with no windows,
padded floor and walls
They fed me thru
a hole in the door
and pushed those purple pills
through too

One day and it wasn't that soon
they let me out
Told me I would have to
cooperate now or
there would be more of the same.

So it was back to group
as I noticed my mind
was feeling quite hazy
at the same time
I was in fear of going back
to the room
The one with no
windows , padded floor
and walls
When I was asked to speak
I spoke....
In a voice so low
I could hardly hear myself
What have I done
To be treated like this?
Why am I here?
It was then
that the nurse interrupted
(The one with a smile and heart of stone)
We Are Here To Make You Well!
We Ask The Questions Here!
WE ARE THE ONES THAT ARE NORMAL!
AND YOU ARE THE ONES THAT ARE SICK!
I held back the thought that came to mind
In fear of being put back in the room...
I held it back
but said instead
I guess I will have to Try harder
if I am to get well
That's right said the nurse
as her smile got wider
Now you're on the right track
and I bet you feel better already
yes it's true, i lied
as the pain got worse
and my mind stood still

I spilled my guts
in group that day
to a room full of strangers
with over medicated eyes
The pain and the tears
The abuse I had suffered
all in my youth
came back in a flash
That evening I felt even worse
as the side effects hit
as they increased the dose
of those purple pills



Sequence #2 Slide Effect

Hallucinations soon came
Voices calling my name
A little black pup
visited me twice a day
My body soon stiffened
Hands in a fist
that could not unclench
Slide Effects!!!!

Sleep that would not come
I craved it so much
So they gave me a tape
To Relax me, That's all
As they tripled my dose
of those purple pills
SLIDE EFFECT!!!!

And I would have complained
but the fear of the
ROOM!!!...
kept me from it
As I walked around the unit

But soon it happened
It was either talk or flip
So I asked a nurse
Why am I like this?
Hands clinched, No Sleep
And my body so stiff
You must pin point your anxieties
was all she said

Well I can't take it anymore
I was never like this
The voices, the dog
what is going on?
Your asking too may questions
and if you persist
We'll give you a new treatment
To make you feel better

I TOLD YOU!!!
I was never like this
I said in a RAGE!
frustrated at best

Once again your behavior
is most inappropriate
While you are here
you must never complain

I will never got back back to that ROOM!!!...
So she called the guards
Who pulled my stiff arms
behind my back
Who took me to a new room
Who forced me in to a tub
The Nurse arived
as the guards undressed me
I watched all this happen
without saying a word
Fearing that if I spoke
it would get much worse

Watching in fear
as they wraped me
in a wet sheet
and then pouring
Ice over me
from my shoulders
to my feet

Its hard to SCREAM!
when your straped in
a tub full of ice
wraped up in wet a sheet

Please stop this I pleaded
I must get out!
Your killing me by degrees
no this isn't funny
I must get out!
Peering over the tub
trying to look out
I noticed I was alone
Alone and in Pain
Pain in my body
as well as my mind

I guess I was in there a long time
How long does it take
for a tub of ice to melt???
I had no Idea
as the cold made me
passout.