Jeez, today has been fucking weird... I hardly got any sleep last night - I fell asleep some time after two and was awake by about six. I ended up getting up around seven, and went online for a bit to check my email. I had my breakfast, took my pill, then got dressed. Then as I was going out to my 9 o'clock class, I was suddenly having suicidal thoughts again.
I was only going to the class because 'that's what I do', not because I wanted to go. But in the space of two minutes, it became go to the class and face life, or go home and think about dying.
Walking from my flat to the department, you can see the Crags pretty much all the way. Well, they looked pretty appealing this morning. But I forced myself to walk into the building. I was shaking and feeling sick, and once inside I was crying. I don't know what other people must have been thinking...
Part way into the class, I found myself thinking about self-harming, something I've never done. But I wanted to do it then. I just thought the pain would help. I guess I wanted something to feel real.
Then later as I was walking down the street, I was thinking about how everything was just a way to die - like the buildings I saw were just things to throw myself from, and cars were things to walk out in front of... But deep down I suppose I didn't want to die today, because I looked both ways before crossing the road.
Then later I met a friend for lunch. We bought food, then came up to my flat. And then we went on the internet and had a laugh for a bit. And everything kind of went away - all the bad feelings I mean. I'm not sure where I am right now, but it's a better place than this morning. I'm alone in the flat just now, which probably isn't a great thing, but I'm ok. I'm not going to 'do anything stupid' as my mum puts it. I've never told her about feeling suicidal. It was hard enough telling her I was depressed. Anyway, I should be fine.
I registered with a depression forum thing on the internet yesterday. No-one responded to my post, which kinda sucks. I mean, I wouldn't be there unless I wanted some support, right? So that upset me. I wouldn't say that was why I was feeling so bad earlier, but it really didn't help. Cos people had posted other stuff since I'd posted my message, but no-one acknowledged that I'd been there. One word - 'hi' - that would have been enough, you know? To show I wasn't alone. Huh, thanks people...
Like I said, I don't know where I am right now. I'm kinda numb. And I feel like I've slowed down with the world speeding on by around me. I feel like hell. I want to sleep, but I don't know if I want to wake up again.
