At my parents. I got a train yesterday. The journey was a bit of a nightmare; the train was packed, so I had to stand the whole way. I thought I was going to pass out at one point because I felt too hot and closed in - I get a bit claustrophobic at times, nothing bad, but it makes me nervous. Then I had a panic attack when I got into Glasgow waiting for my dad to pick me up.
I had a phone call from Katy just now. We sorted some stuff out. I feel bad for making them all stress out. I wish all the bad feeling would just go away.
My depression has caused so much tension in the flat, and not just since I started getting treatment. I feel like shit for putting them all through it. Which is kinda weird, 'cos a couple of days ago I wanted to kill them all. In the words of the dinosaur from Toy Story - "Oh great! Now I have guilt!" Yeah, great - another symptom of depression! I haven't really felt this one so strong before. I don't know if I really blame myself - maybe I'd still be terrible to live with if I wasn't depressed, I don't know. But what I do know is that Katy thought I was going to kill myself last week. She said she'd wanted to phone my mum and tell her. And Karen was scared to come into my room incase she found me dead.
It was hard to hear that stuff from them, but I'm glad they told me. Now I can see things from their side a bit better. But I don't know if I'll be living with them much longer anyway. If I do take the rest of the year out, I'll probably move back home. I know I said I didn't want to, but it's got to be better than putting them under that stress when they've got exams coming up. Great, now I feel sick - I get totally nervous when I start thinking about the future, I guess because I thought I had everything worked out, then it all fell apart. Just goes to show that life really is a bitch.
