And there’s been a discussion about religion on the Raven ‘cos someone started on about how anyone who doesn’t follow Jesus will go to hell. That pissed me off big time. I don’t know why. I wrote a long pissed off response, but I didn’t post it. I chickened out. I reckoned it would do more harm than good. Well, if you really want to, you can read it here. Anyway, I just put a jokey response, but I was still pissed off. As for the whole religion thing – I’ve said before I don’t believe in god and stuff. But when people talk about religion, I always associate it with death. And with suicide. It just gets me down.
And ‘What Dreams May Come’ is on TV. I was gonna watch it, but after 5 mins I switched it off. I didn’t think I could take it tonight. I saw it at the cinema but can’t really remember it. But the dark ruined building always sticks in my mind – a horrible place. Sometimes I feel like that’s where I am and there’s no way out.
What else did I think about today? Who’s my hero – that was a question I was trying to answer – who’s my all-time hero? I didn’t know. I couldn’t think of one person important enough to say. Well, Indy would be a film hero, but that doesn’t really count. I guess Nelson Mandela is a hero ‘cos of everything he did for the politics of South Africa, but that’s pretty detached from my life. Margaret Thatcher was the first female PM which is pretty cool, but she was a Tory and did some shitty stuff. Richey Edwards of the Manics – he said some meaningful things. His lyrics are important to me. But he gave up. Well, I don’t know that, no one knows, but if he’d stuck around and fought mental illness… what then? I don’t know. Maybe no one would care. Chad – he’s still fighting. So I respect that totally. But my all-time hero? I don’t know. When I was a kid, my brother was my hero. But not anymore. I love him, but he’s not a hero to me. He upsets our parents too much. And he’s never around when I’m at home. Fuck, I’m crying now writing this. What does that mean? I must’ve hit a nerve. That’ll probably crop up at counselling sometime. I guess I can’t pick a hero because I’ve got nothing to aim at. Like when a kid wants to be an astronaut they’d pick Neil Armstrong as their hero, something like that. I have no fucking clue where I want my life to go, so I’ve got nothing to aim for and no one to follow.
I found some leg waxing strips in my room the other day. So when I’ve been feeling shitty or unreal, I rip some hair out. I figured it’s better than starting to cut myself or something. Someone on the HW forum urged me not to start. I can see the attraction. I didn’t before, but the past two weeks I’ve thought about it. I suppose if I was going to, I’d have done it by now. So maybe I’m not that bad. No, ‘bad’ isn’t the right word. I suppose I mean ‘ill’, I’m not that ill.
I also found some poems I wrote when I was at school. I think I might have been feeling a bit depressed then because some of it sounds like I was down. I tried to write some poetry this week. I might put some of it on the site, I don’t know…
