I gave up drinking when I started on my medication. It seemed like a good idea, since the information leaflet that came with the pills said to avoid alcohol. Also because alcohol is a depressant. The doctor said it was a good thing that I’d stopped drinking, but she didn’t say I had to.
Do I miss it? I don’t know. I guess so. It was part of my life. I’m 19 years old, I’m a student – of course I was gonna drink. It’s part of the culture. I’ve been to a pub once since January 10th – I went with Katy and Kirsty. They only wanted one drink. I had a lemonade and it was alright. But I haven’t been on a ‘night out’ yet. I was at a friend’s flat one night for dinner; several people were drinking wine. But no one was getting drunk, so I didn’t feel left out. At home with my parents they had a drink with dinner a few times, and again I was on the lemonade or water. I noticed that more, because often at home I’ll sit and drink a bottle of wine with my mum.
I have half a bottle of tequila in the kitchen. I don’t know if it’ll ever get drunk. It was be so easy to go through there and get it and sit here and knock it back, shot by shot, and get wasted. That would be good I reckon. I’ve not been drunk since Hogmany. I had a good night that night. I was pissed on tequila and Jack Daniels, and half-stoned too. And I felt happy, I think. It’s hard to be sure I guess. The memories are a bit hazy. But that’s my last memory of being drunk and it’s a good one. I suppose that’s why I’d like to be drunk again.
Beer, I like beer. I haven’t had a beer since January. I don’t drink beer to get drunk. If I want to get drunk, I drink spirits. I just like a beer now and again. Fuck, I want a beer. But I’m not gonna do it. I don’t know why not, but I don’t think I should. ‘Cos if I have a beer now, what’s to stop me drinking that tequila too. Then going out tomorrow and buying a bottle of vodka and going to the pub, and getting drunk every night this week, then every night forever. I’m worried about becoming an alcoholic – there you go. Plain and simple. So if I can get myself to feel good without alcohol, then it’ll be OK and I’ll know it’s possible. But the last few times I’ve had a great time, I’ve been drunk or I’ve had a few drinks. It’s the ‘losing inhibitions’ thing I guess. The last date I went on, I was so nervous before I went out, I had to drink two bottles of beer before I left the house. Then another two in the pub where we met up. We went to the cinema and I sat through the whole film dying to go to the loo. That’s the thing with me and beer – I have to pee all the time. So that’s when I know if I’m getting drunk, when the room starts spinning when I’m going to the bathroom. It’s a cool feeling, I like it. Last time I got that, I was at the Pleasance with Katy. The toilet there is upstairs, and I always laugh going to the loo there, ‘cos I always think I’m gonna fall up the stairs. I know that place so well ‘cos Katy worked there and I went there a lot in 2nd year, then I worked there over the festival. So I feel kinda at home there. I haven’t been back since I started the pills. That’d be too weird, being there sober I suppose.
I haven’t been to a club for ages (a nightclub, that is). I’ve only ever been clubbing after being at the pub, so it pretty much goes without saying that whenever I go clubbing, I’m drunk or halfway there. And whenever I pull when I’m out, I’m drunk. So that’s my love life over I guess… Haha. Man, this sucks. At least if I’m drinking or smoking, I can pretend to be enjoying it. Yeah, I could smoke a joint right now too. To accompany the tequila. I hardly ever smoke. Only if I’m with someone who’s got cannabis. I don’t know any dealers. Probably just as well or I’d be skint…
I was thinking about getting a cheap flight to Amsterdam this summer and spending a weekend getting pissed and stoned before going digging. But I don’t think I’ll be going digging if I take the year out (I won’t get the vacation grant from the university, so I won’t be able to afford to spend 5 weeks in Slovenia again this year- bummer). Anyway, I doubt if I’ll be going to Amsterdam now. I’ll see… I only smoke if I’m drinking, so if I’m not drinking by the summer there’s no point in going to Amsterdam to get stoned.
