Today... How do I feel today...?
Today I feel good, and I don't know why. Today I went out and blew £50. It's the twins' birthday on Tuesday, so I went out to buy them some presents, but bought 2 CDs and some postcards for myself. I got Pink's album and The Hives' CD. I've not listened to them all the way through, but I like them. The Hives will grow on me I think.
I was watching tennis on TV earlier - Henman vs Enqvist in the Davis cup. I like watching tennis. Henman lost, but it was still a great match. I watched the doubles match yesterday - Henman and Rusedski against two Swedes, I forget their names. Britain won, so I was pleased about that. It was a good match too. I also watched some of the Winter Olympics, a womens' ski event. It was quite good.
Anyway, right now I'm feeling OK. It's weird because I've been OK all day so far. I'm usually all over the place emotionally. From hell to happiness and back. No one way tickets, it's always a return.
That reminded me of a comedian I saw on TV. He said something like "I tried to take Ecstasy the other night, but I made a mistake - I took Agony. I didn't have a bad trip, but I had a nasty fall..." He was pretty funny. Scottish too, so I doubt if half the audience understood a word...
Well, my computer has totally packed up/ packed in/ whatever the expression is... My dad's going to replace the hard disk drive on it at some point. Until then, I'm at the mercy of the university's computer labs. I'm breaking the rules of the 24hr lab right now probably - when it's busy, you're only supposed to use the computers for actual work. I doubt if this counts as work in the eyes of the university... Oh well... But from where I'm sitting, I can't see the door, so I can't see if there's a queue of people waiting. Not that I care anyway...
I don't care. About anything really. Maybe that's why I feel alright - because I don't care. Nothing to stress me out 'cos I don't care. Maybe I'm dead inside. I was thinking earlier about how I make the decision at times to live rather than die. And how if I wanted to I could change my mind. But if I was dead, I couldn't change my mind and live again. So maybe that's why I don't choose to end it all, because if I do, I can't change it. And I was thinking that the worst thing of all was to be doing it (killing myself I mean) and to change my mind halfway through. Because then it might be too late. Like if I took loads of pills, then I might think I want to live right before I fall asleep. That would be shitty as hell, to die when I wanted to live. Worse than living when I want to die.
