Why is everything so fucking hard!? I finally thought I was getting somewhere. I'd made up my mind that I was going to take the rest of the year out and restart third year in October. But today I went to the experimental archaeology lecture so I could speak to the lecturer afterwards. Which I did. I told him I was going to take the year out, blah blah blah, and he was sympathetic and everything was fine. So why the hell do I feel so fucking crap!? Why am I sitting in the archaeology department's computing room with tears in my eyes, trying not to cry while people sit around me oblivious to the way I'm feeling?
Now I have to sit down and talk things through with my DoS. I don't know if I can handle that today, but at the same time, is there any point in me making an appointment with him for tomorrow? Tomorrow might be worse and I might not want to get out of bed at all. Life is fucking shit right now, and I can't seem to find comfort in anything. My friends don't seem to want to know, I guess because I've made no effort to talk to them. But it's too fucking difficult.
On Monday I said something to a friend. I said "My world is falling apart around me, but I don't care." Well, that was then and this is now. Now I do care. Now I do care that my world is crumbling, but I can't find anything to do about it. I feel like a failure, like a stupid fucking useless failure. What have I achieved in 20 years on this planet? Not a whole fucking lot. 8 Standard Grades and 4 Highers from school. Big fucking deal. So what if that got me into university - it's not like I can cope with university, is it? What do a handful of school exam results mean? Everyone at uni has them. It's not like I did anything outstanding. I failed Higher history for fuck's sake. A dying one-eyed monkey could've done that.
Friends, what about them? How many friends do I have? Well, I don't know. What counts as proper friendship anyway? Who would actually notice if I was dead? Who would miss me? Not many people I can think of... I can just see my funeral - an empty room. An empty fucking room.
Well, this is what I wrote in my lecture today:
Is this punishment? Destiny?
A lesson to teach me?
Something to strengthen me?
Or is this the end of me?
I don't love you, don't hate you
You've entered my life
And the only escape
On the edge of a knife
Well, fuck this. I'm going to find my DoS and tell him I quit. Then I don't now what I'm gonna do. The day is full of possibilities I won't consider until it's too late to make the most of them.
