Journal
Some people wonder why I share this shit with the world. Well let me tell you - I don't write this stuff for you to read. I write it for myself, to get it out of my head. 'Cos if it stays in there it'll grow into something that maybe I won't be able to deal with. Like when I was feeling suicidal - that was a bunch of stuff in my head that 'mutated', I guess, into something bigger and worse than its components. So this is just me getting this stuff out. And by putting it here, on the internet, maybe a hundred people will read it. And maybe 99 will think 'this is a load of crap' and they'll stop reading and get on with their lives and not give a damn about those of us who don't know or can't remember what it's like to feel 'normal'. But maybe there'll be that one person who identifies with the crap I write. One person who's been there and got through it OK. Or one person who thinks they've got depression and doesn't know what to do next. Or one person who's started on medication too and reads this and realises they're not alone. And that's why I've put this stuff here - not for the 99 people who don't give a fuck, but for the one who feels alone. Because depression is a lonely place to be, and I'm tired of being alone. Do you know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting in my room by myself, and I can hear my flatmates talking in the kitchen. But I can't go through there and sit with them because they're having a good time and I don't want to ruin that for them. And it feels shit. But that's something I have to deal with, and it's something I put up with every day, feeling like I don't fit in. Maybe that's not the depression, maybe that's just me. But it drags me down too.
"Twenty days go by and every day looks the same"
My Descent Into Madness - Eels
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