Yeah, I'll probably get banned for posting this, but this is my life. This has been my past couple of weeks. I have wanted to be dead. I have felt suicidal. I have had people telling me a load of shit. My head is fucked, y'know? I'm confused. I don't know what to think. I can't make decisions anymore. And I get anxiety attacks over stupid things like answering the phone. You know why I spend half my life on the internet? Because I can escape from reality. I can be someone else if I want to. I can put my life to one side and forget about the shit. Then I come here and I've got people dissing me for my life and my beliefs. Fuck that. Fuck you all. This is me. This is the real me. I hate myself. I hate myself more than you could ever hate me. Do you think I care if I'll burn in your stupid hell forever? No, I don't. For one thing, I don't believe in your hell. For another, this life is bad enough. The firey pit would be better. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll regret writing this. But right now I don't. Right now I don't give a flying fuck. You know what would be easy? To blame the depression. To say 'I wrote this because I'm ill.' That would be easy. But to tell the truth, I don't know if that's why. Because I don't know who I am or what I believe. I don't know what 'normal' is because I can't remember what it's like. I used to be happy. I was happy when I was at high school, but I can't remember how it feels because it's been so long.
I would just like to say this is not a personal thing - I am not attacking one single person with this post. This is for everyone and anyone. If you are still reading, then maybe you'll stick with me to the end. I'm just fed up with hoe religious people act all defensive and offended if you dare to disagree. What, so people with no religion can't be protective of what they think is right? That's all I'm doing. Standing up for what I believe. You tell me I'll burn in hell - I take offence at that. How dare you judge me!? I am a human being. I have the same rights as you. I can't stand narrow-minded hypocrites. I'll do what I want with my life. I'll put up with the consequences, whatever they may be. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I will burn in hell. But maybe you're wrong. Ever think of that? How many religions are there in the world?And they're all right. So the others are all wrong. It's a pile of crap, see? It's a fuckking joke.
Also I'm fed up with the stigma attached to depression and mental illness in general. I'm not ashamed. I'm not glad I'm depressed, but I live with it. What, you don't want it shoved down your throat? You don't want me to wave it in your face? I have depression. Get over it. That's my plan. To get over it. Anyone else out there got depression? Get in touch - together we're stronger, right? Face it, everyone's fucked up in some way. there's no such thing as normal. there is no average. We're all different. No one is perfect.
"If you can judge a wise man by the colour of his skin,
Then mister, you're a better man than I" - Aerosmith.
"Life is funny
But not ha ha funny
Peculiar I guess
You think I got it all going my way
Then why am I such a fucking mess?" - Eels
OK G, if you want to ban me, go ahead. I probably deserve it. And other people will probably complain about what I've just written. So I'd just like to say here and now that it was me, my fault. Don't go blaming the moderators.
"My dilemma but not my choice
Winston Churchill can you hear my voice?" - MSP
