ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR

(Updated September 17, 2002)

REVEALING PICTURE
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided he should visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly HUSSY he's runnin' around with."
Submitted by a neighbor (and good friend)

ANOTHER PUNNY STORY
A farmer named Ken Kellogg raised sheep.
Among them was a ram.
Living nearby were two groups of ravens, known as swoops, which loved to tease the ram.
They would sit on the wooden fence, cawing.
When the ram charged, they would fly away, and the ram would bang into the fence.
But one day, a raven was too slow and was killed.
The ravens decided to get even. They opened the gate, then led the ram on a merry chase.
The fun ended when the ram charged into a thresher, and came out a mangled mess. The ravens gathered on the ram's carcass, leaving the farmer with: Two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellogg's brazen ram.
Submitted by elderbee

TOP 10 - BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS:
#10 Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Can you keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the #1 best caddy comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "Well, it's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Submitted by a neighbor (and good friend)

THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over, and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke".
She turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," she says,
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke,"
and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well,says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there," he said.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Submitted by Lashy .

AMAZING THERMOS BOTTLE
A man walks into a store and sees a thermos.
"May I help you?" asks a store clerk.
"Yeah! What's that?"
The man buys it and the next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos.
His co-workers ask what it is, and he tells them.
"It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"What do you have in there?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

HEADLINES
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Tennessee middle school student arrested for bringing sharpened No. 2 pencil to school.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event ...90 year old Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally ... scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Submitted by elderbee

This Web Site is maintained by Walt Hunt '99