(author’s note) okay the usual stuff. CATS is owned by TS Elliot,
Andrew Lloyd Webber and RUG. JCS is owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice
and RUG.
(PS) I don’t really act like this I promise!
(who) Me, my little bro who co-wrote this story with me who’s screen
name is Fries_and_a_Coke, FAC for short, the jellicle tribe and Macavity
(what) a dress rehearsal for a production of Jesus Christ Superstar
(when) daytime
(where) a small community theater that seats 200 ppl
(why) cuz I want to
(how) I don’t know, you can be the judge of that
(cast list)
(in no order whatsoever)
Jesus/ Munkustrap or Munk
Judas/ Rum Tum Tugger or Tugger
Caiaphas/ Old Deuteronomy or Old D
Herod/ Bustopher Jones or Bust
Annas/ Asparagus or Gus (the young one not the old one)
Pilot/ Macavity or Mac
Mary Magdalene/ Bombalurina or Bomb
Peter/ Alonzo or Alonzo :-)
Simon the Zealot/ Mistoffelees or Misto
Apostle & Ensemble/ Rum Tum Tugger, Alonzo, Mistoffelees, Skimbleshanks
(or Skimble), Tumblebrutus (or Tumble), Pouncival (or Pounce), Plato, Admetus,
Macavity, Mungojerrie (or Mungo), Grumbuskin (or Grumb), Carbakettey (or
Carb)
Ensemble Girls/ Demeter, Cassandra (or Cass), Electra, Etcetera
(or Etc), Victoria (or Vic), Jemima (or Jem), Exotica (or Tica), Tantomile
(or Tant), Jennyanydots (or Jenny), Jellyorum (or Jelly), Rumpleteazer
(or Rumple)
(set the scene)
The jellicle cats, and Macavity who is NOT a jellicle cat, are sitting
in the first few rows laughing and talking and drinking sodas and eating
chips and candy bars and other fattening snack foods. FAC and I enter the
house and sit in the center of the third row to the back. I set down my
backpack, put on a black baseball cap that says ‘director’ in white letters
and look up.
PRESTO
Okay cats, on the stage!
*the cats get onstage*
FAC
*points to Munk*
You, put down the coke! No drinks onstage!
PRESTO
They’re cats, they don’t drink coke.
FAC
Fine then, put down the PEPSI!
PRESTO
Oh please.
*Munk’s soda disappears, Munk glares at Misto, Misto shrugs*
MISTO
don’t look at me!
*Munk points to FAC*
MUNK
Who the Heavyside is he and what the Heavyside is he doing here?
PRESTO
Munkustrap, watch your language!
FAC
I thought this was a G rated story
PRESTO
shut up
ETCETERA
how rude!
MUNK
hellooooo?
FAC
*putting on a dumb annoying grin*
hi
MUNK
*rolls eyes*
Presto, who is he?
PRESTO
Everyone, this is my brother.
MUNK
What’s he doing here?
PRESTO
he’s co-producer
TUGGER
Co-what?
FAC
Producer. PRO-DUC-ER!
TUGGER
Alright, alright.
*Tugger struts over to me*
TUGGER
Wha’d he say?
PRESTO
Never mind.
BOMB
Hello people, are we rehearsing or not?!
TOMS PLAYING DISCIPLES
Or not!
BOMB
shut up
ETCETERA
how rude!
PRESTO
Bomb’s right everyone! Places!
*there’s a groan from pretty much everyone as they enter the wings*
PRESTO
Right, let’s take it from the top.
*house fades to black, overture begins*
FAC
nothing’s happening
PRESTO
it’s the overture, nothing’s supposed to happen
FAC
oh
*fac reads what I just typed*
FAC
wait! no H
PRESTO
whatever
FAC
o
*FAC reads it again*
FAC
it’s supposed to be capitalized
PRESTO
WHATEVER!
FAC
O
*he reads*
FAC
That’s better.
PRESTO
*rolls eyes*
It’s going to be one of those days.
*music for “Heaven on Their Minds” starts, lights come up on. . .an empty stage*
FAC
isn’t there supposed to be someone ON the stage?
PRESTO
Tugger, get out here!
*Tugger peeks out from behind the stage left curtain*
TUGGER
say please
PRESTO
no, get out here or you’re fired!
*Tugger doesn’t move*
FAC
You’re fired!
*Tugger puts on those irritatingly adorable kitty eyes*
FAC
Fine, you got your job back. Just get onstage!
TUGGER
I’m goin, I’m goin!
*gets onstage*
My mind is clearer now
at last
all too well
I can see
where we all
soon will be
*he catches sight of his reflection in a mirror offstage and continues
to sing while fixing his mane*
If you strip away
the myth
from the man
you will see
where we all
soon will be.
FAC
this is BORING
*tugger stops*
TUGGER
who said that?!
*fac points to me*
PRESTO
definitely one of those days
*I take a remote control out of my back pack and point it at Tugger, I hit fast forward, he sings the rest of the song in fast motion, I hit play*
FAC
what was that?
*I quickly hide the remote*
PRESTO
caffeine surge.
FAC
wow
PRESTO
Where’s Munkustrap?
*munkustrap enters center stage followed by twelve other toms singing “What’s the Buzz?”*
MUNK
Why should you want to know?
Don’t you mind about the future
Don’t you try to think ahead
TUGGER
HAH! coming from someone who was a tomscout
MUNK
shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude!
*Bomb and Demeter start giggling*
BOMB
Munkustrap was a tomscout?
DEMETER
Isn’t that cute!
*Munk turns bright red*
MUNK
I’m gunna get you for that Tugger
TUGGER
ooooooh, I’m scared!
PRESTO
just get on with it!
TOMS
what’s the buzz, tell me what’s happening
what’s the buzz, tell me what’s happening
*it repeats a few times*
MUNK
Why shouldjoo want to know. . .
*Electra runs onstage*
ELECTRA
Presto!
PRESTO
Electra, you’re not on yet!
ELECTRA
But he’s jooing!
MUNK
Are you accusing me of bad diction?!
ELECTRA
The line is, “why should you,” not, “why shouldjoo.”
PRESTO
Electra, just forget about it!
ELECTRA
But. . .
PRESTO
Macavity? Would you mind?
MACAVITY
Not at all.
*Macavity picks up Electra and carries her offstage right still screaming about Munkustrap’s diction*
PRESTO
Okay, let’s keep going!
*they continue to sing the song*
BOMB
*takes Munk by the arm and leads him to a cushion on a platform
center stage left*
Let me try to cool down your face a bit
Let me try to cool down your face a bit
Let me try to cool down your face a bit
Let me try to cool down your face a bit
FAC
*aside to me*
her lines are easy to memorize huh?
PRESTO
shhh!
MUNK
Mary, mmm that is good. . .
FAC
*aside*
What’s good? I didn’t see him eat anything.
PRESTO
SHHH!
*the song continues, Tugger walks up behind Munk and Bomb and starts to sing “Strange Thing Mystifying”*
TUGGER
It seems to me a strange thing mystifying. . .
(see? what’d I tell ya :-)
TUGGER
. . .that a man like you can waste your time on women of her kind.
MUNK
*aside to Bomb*
Someone’s jealous!
*Bomb giggles*
TUGGER
Shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude!
TUGGER
*takes Bomb by the arm*
It’s not that I object to her profession. . .
*Bomb pulls away and slaps him hard*
FAC
Down girl! Down!
PRESTO
Cut!
TUGGER
*rubbing his cheek*
What the Heavyside was that for?
PRESTO
Tugger, watch your language. Bomb, what the Heavyside was that for?
BOMB
What?
PRESTO
Slapping him is not in the script.
TUGGER
No kidding!
PRESTO
Quiet Tugger. Well Bomb?
BOMB
I was improvising.
TUGGER
Impro-what?
FAC
Improvising! IM-PRO-VIS-ING!
TUGGER
Alright, alright.
*struts to me*
Wha’d he say?
PRESTO
Never mind
BOMB
Look, Mary is not going to let some rude, half-witted, ugly, pollicle
treat her like that!
TUGGER
Who you callin ugly?!
CARB
She called you ugly
TUGGER
Shut up
ETCETERA
How rude!
FAC
Are we done yet?
PRESTO
FAC, sit down and shut up
ETCETERA
How rude
PRESTO
Etcetera, get off the stage and shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude
PRESTO
Macavity, would you. . .
MAC
right away
*Mac carries Etc offstage right*
ETCETERA
*from right wing*
How rude!
PRESTO
Sheesh
MUNK
Can we continue please?
PRESTO
Right, let’s take it from Munk’s solo
TUGGER
Why Munk’s solo?
MUNK
We got a problem with that?
TUGGER
How come I can’t finish mine?
PRESTO
Cuz it’s easier this way
TUGGER
But. . .
PRESTO
Look, you know your solo right?
TUGGER
*grins smugly*
Perfectly
DEMETER
*rolls her eyes*
Oh brother
PRESTO
Then we don’t have to rehearse it. We can go straight o Munk’s.
See?
TUGGER
Right, got it.
*aside to Munk*
Cuz HE needs to practice.
MUNK
Shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude!
PRESTO
Action!
*music starts*
MUNK
Who are you, who to criticize her?
Who are you, who to despise her?
Leave her, leave her, let her be now.
Leave her, leave her, she’s with me now.
If your slate is clean, then you can throw stones.
If your slate is not, then leave her alone!
*the queens gather around Bomb/Mary inquiring if she’s alright, the toms/apostles mob Tugger*
TUGGER
Woah! Easy on the fur! Watch it! Don’t touch the mane! Paws OFF
the mane!
DEMETER
Get his mane! Get his mane!
*Munk leaps onto a stage left platform and sings, Tumble, Pounce and Carb are huddled together and whispering
MUNK
I’m amazed that men like you could be so shallow, thick and slow!
There is not a man among you who knows, or cares, if I come or go!
TUMBLE, POUNCE, CARB
Got that right
Ya got that right
Got that right
Ya got that right!
*munk is fuming, the three toms are laughing*
FAC
*turns to me*
I like that better
PRESTO
*rolls eyes*
most definitely one of those days
*I take out my remote, point it at the stage, and hit ‘rewind,’
they all move backwards to just before MUNK leaps onto the platform, I
hit ‘play’*
FAC
Wow, a backward caffeine surge!
PRESTO
yeah, they happen
*Munk leaps onto the platform and sings, Tumble, Pounce and Carb are huddled together and whispering*
PRESTO
Tumble, Pounce, Carb don’t even THINK about it!
*the three look stunned*
CARB
How’d she kno. . .
The other two cover his mouth*
MUNK
I’m amazed that men like you can be so shallow, thick and slow.
There is not a mad among you who knows, or cares, if I come or go!
APOSTLES & QUEENS
No, you’re wrong! You’re very wrong!
No, you’re wrong! You’re very wrong!
You, you’re wrong! You’re very wrong!
You, you’re wrong! You’re very wrong!
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
CARB
It’s easy. He just opened his mouth and. . .
TUMBLE
Shut up Carb!
ETCETERA
How rude!
PRESTO
Just keep going!
*they sing the first bit of “Everything’s Alright” without a glitch, I hit ‘fast forward’ on the remote, the song is performed in fast mo, it ends, there’s a blackout, I hit ‘play’*
FAC
Those are so cool!
PRESTO
yeah
*eerie, faint lights come up on five Pharisees, Old D on the top platform, Asparagus on the second highest, Skimble, Admetus and Plato on the third*
FAC
How’d those three get there so fast?
PRESTO
*mysterious smile*
the magical mystery of the theatre
*music starts for “This Jesus Must Die, a brighter light comes up on Asparagus*
GUS
*in one of those cool snakelike character voices like the one Tony
Timberlake used in the Les Mis anniversary vid*
Good Caiaphas, the council waits for you.
*lights come up on Pharisees*
GUS
The Pharisees, and priests are here for you.
*Light comes up on Old D*
OFFSTAGE VOICES
Hosanna, Superstar!
Hosanna Superstar!
PRESTO
Hold it!
*Munk peaks out from the stage left curtain*
MUNK
Something wrong?
PRESTO
Yeah, you started to early!
MUNK
Oh! Sorry!
PRESTO
Don’t worry ‘bout it, just get it right next time.
MUNK
yeah
*he exits*
PRESTO
Let’s take it from Deut’s solo. Action!
*music starts*
OLD D
Ah gentlemen, you know why we are here. We’ve not much time and
quite a problem here.
OFFSTAGE VOICES
Hosanna, Superstar!
Hosanna, Superstar!
Hosanna, Superstar!
Hosanna, Superstar!
GUS
Listen to that howling mob of blockheads in the street!
A trick or two with lepers and the whole town’s on it’s feet!
(am I the only one who thinks Annas’ voice is really cool?)
GUS & PHARISEES
He is Dangerous!
OFFSTAGE VOICES
Jesus Christ, Superstar!
GUS & PHARISEES
He is dangerous!
*the song continues, no I’m not fast forwarding it, I like this song*
PLATO
Look Caiaphas! They’re right outside our yard!
SKIMBLE
Quick Caiaphas! Go call the Roman Guard!
FAC
Yeah, just the Roman Guard. There’s no need for anymore than one.
PRESTO
haha
GUS
What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth, miracle worker man, hero
of pools.
PRESTO
I never understood that line
FAC
Me neither
*song continues*
GUS
We dare not leave him to his only vices. His half-witted fans will
get out of control.
FAC
As if they aren’t already
PRESTO
yeah, really
*song continues, and ends, without a glitch*
PRESTO
Well, maybe things are looking up!
FAC
knock on wood
*music for “Hosanna” begins*
ENSEMBLE
Hosanna!
Heysanna!
Sanna, sanna
Hosanna!
FAC
So where’s Jesus?
*Munk enters the stage. . .riding on an elephant, Exotica screams*
PRESTO
Munkustrap! What the Heavyside!
FAC
Watch your language!
PRESTO
Shut up
ETC
How rude!
PRESTO
Munkustrap! What’s with the elephant?!
MUNK
*confused*
You asked for one didn’t you?
PRESTO
Let me think, NO!
MUNK
Are you sure? It was posted on the callboard backstage.
PRESTO
I never posted it.
*Tugger and a few other toms try not to laugh*
PRESTO
Tugger?
MUNK
Rum Tum Tugger you IDIOT!
*Munk leaps off the elephant and chases Tugger round the stage*
PRESTO
Boys! Settle down or I’ll have to separate you!
*They stop running*
PRESTO
Munk, leave Tugger alone. . .
*Tugger grins smugly, Munk glares at him*
PRESTO
. . .until the rehearsal is over.
*Tugger’s jaw drops open, Munk grins*
PRESTO
Right, let’s keep going!
EXOTICA
But what about that?
*she points a shaky finger at the elephant*
PRESTO
Good point. Macavity?
MAC
I’m on it.
*he carries the elephant offstage*
*music starts up again, the song continues and finishes perfectly*
PRESTO
Good job
*music for Simon’s song starts up, Misto leaps onstage leading the ensemble*
ENSEMBLE
Christ you know I love you!
Did you see our wave?
I believe in you and God so tell me that I’m saved.
FAC
You’re saved!
PRESTO
shhh!
*Munk climbs onto the top platform, Misto leaps onto the second highest and sings*
MISTO
Christ what more do you need to convince you
That you’ve made it and you’re easily strong
As the filth from Rome who rape our country. . .
FAC
How is that possible?
PRESTO
shhh
MISTO
Hands who’ve terrorized our people for so long!
*Ensemble sings chorus, Tugger gets in Misto’s face trying to get him to stop the singing, Misto (as in the script) shoves him out of his way, Tugger (as not in the script) pushes Misto back, Misto falls onto the third platform, lightning shoots from his paws and hits a curtain cord, the entire curtain falls onto the stage*
PRESTO
Tugger!
*he can’t hear me, there is just a red piece of cloth full of moving blobs in the shape of cats*
ELECTRA
If someone doesn’t get me out of here now I’ll scream!
BOMB
Don’t touch me!
MUNK
Mistoffelees! What the Heavyside is wrong with you?
MISTO
I didn’t do it! Tugger’s the one who pushed me!
TUGGER
Right, it’s called acting!
MUNK
So act this thing off of us!
CARB
Who’s tail is this? Oh wait, it’s mine!
PRESTO
Most assuredly, one of those days.
*I use the force to pick up the curtain and put it back where it
belongs*
FAC
Luke, I am your father!
PRESTO
don’t start
FAC
too late
PRESTO
then finish!
FAC
I can do that!
*Admetus starts to sing “I Can Do That” from A Chorus Line*
ADMETUS
Knew every step right off the bat
said I can do that!
I can do that!
PLATO
Yo Ad! Wrong time, wrong play, wrong part.
FAC
Yeah!
AD
Sorry.
PRESTO
Right, let’s take it from the beginning of the second verse. Tugger,
no extra acting.
MISTO
yeah!
*Tugger sneers, music starts, Misto sings*
MISTO
There must be over fifty-thousand screaming loud and more for you!
*later. . *
MISTO
You’ll get the power and the glory
Forever and ever and ever!
Forever!
Amen!
*Munk starts to sing Poor Jerusalem, the ensemble slowly melts offstage, no, not literally!*
MUNK
To conquer death, you only have to die.
You only hafto d. . .
ELECTRA
Presto!
PRESTO
Now what El?
ELECTRA
Now he’s haffing!
MUNK
What the Heavyside is haffing?!
ELECTRA
The line is,
You only HAVE TO
not,
You only hafto.
MUNK
*puts a paw over his eyes*
Presto!
PRESTO
Macavity?
MAC
Yup
*Mac carries El offstage*
PRESTO
Okay, let’s start Pilate’s Dream.
MUNK
But I haven’t finished my solo yet!
PRESTO
Munk you had like half a word left!
MUNK
But it’s an important half a word.
PRESTO
Fine! Make it quick
MUNK
*clears his throat*
Die.
PRESTO
good job, moving right along.
*lights come up on Macavity standing downstage left, he sings Pilate’s dream, does a good job, next song starts, light’s come up on the temple filled with stands selling stuff and girls dancing*
ENSEMBLE
Roll on up for my price is down!
Come on in for the best in town!
Take your pick from the finest wine!
Lay your bets on this bird of mine!
FAC
But there are no birds on the stage.
PRESTO
*shrugs*
*the song continues very well, Munk comes on and starts throwing all the breakable stuff*
MUNK
My temple should be a house of prayer!
But, you have made it a den of thieves!
Get out!
Get out!
*everyone runs into the wings, Tumble, Pounce and Carb just stand on the stage*
MUNK
*trying to go with it*
Get out!
TUMBLE
Say please!
*Munk groans and looks at me for help*
PRESTO
Macavity?
MAC
Right here
TUMBLE
You wouldn’t dare!
*Mac carries Tumble offstage*
TUMBLE
What the Heavyside! Put me down!
*Pounce starts to exit*
POUNCE
C’mon Carb!
CARB
But, he didn’t please yet!
*Pounce rolls his eyes and drags Carb offstage*
MUNK
Finally!
PRESTO
Keep going Munk
MUNK
My time is almost through.
Little left to do.
After all, I’ve tried for three years.
Seems like. . .
*he’s interrupted by a strange noise, I look to see FAC asleep in his chair, and snoring*
PRESTO
*I smack him*
FAC wake up now!
FAC
*snaps awake*
I don’t wanna go to school!
PRESTO
Whatever.
*Lights change, cats in frightening costumes enter for the next bit*
CASSANDRA
See my eyes I can hardly see.
MUNGO
See me stand I can hardly walk.
PRESTO
I always found it strange that they sing that line as they’re walking
onstage.
FAC
yeah
*the song continues, soon the mob has surrounded Munk on all sides, Tugger is laughing out loud*
TUGGER
This is good!
BOMB
Except for one thing?
TUGGER
and what might that be beautiful?
BOMB
You’re on right now!
*she pushed Tugger onstage in time to sing a trio with Alonzo and Admetus*
TUGGER, ALONZO & ADMETUS
See our skin we’re a mass of blood
FAC
no they’re not!
PRESTO
would you like to buy the ketchup?
FAC
I’ll shut up
ETCETERA
How rude!
TUGGER, ALONZO & ADMETUS
Change our lives oh we know you can!
We believe you can make us well!
You’re the hope for the poor poor man!
*the song continues, Munk starts to sing as they lift him onto their shoulders*
MUNK
There’s too many of you!
Don’t push me!
There’s too little of me!
Don’t crowd me!
HEAL YOURSELVES!!!!
*black out, the cats drop Munkustrap and run offstage, there’s a thump*
MUNK
Owww!
*lights come up on him rubbing his rear, Bomb’s sitting there looking at him with her arms crossed*
BOMB
Ahem!
*Munk looks up to see the lights on him, he quickly lays down and pretends to be asleep, the next second he wakes up, Bomb shakes her head and starts to comfort him, She sings I Don’t Know How to Love Him, all goes well, music for Damned For all Time starts, I take out my remote and fast forward the instrumental bit, when I hit play Tugger is onstage with Gus, the Pharisees and Old D*
TUGGER
Now if I help you it matters that you see
these sorted kind of things are coming hard to me.
It’s taken me some time to work out what to do.
I worked the whole thing out before I came to you
(That word is worked isn’t it?)
I had no thought at all about my own reward.
I really didn’t come here on my own accord!
Just don’t say I’m
(pause that I don’t think goes right there very well but that’s just me)
Damned for all time.
*the song continues, Gus grabs Tugger by the mane*
GUS
Cut the protesting forget the excu. . .
*Tugger scratches Gus’s paw*
GUS
Owww!
PRESTO
Tugger, what the Heavyside?!
TUGGER
No touching the mane, paws off the mane!
PRESTO
Oh please!
FAC
*singing*
And thank you are the magical words!
PRESTO
Shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude!
PRESTO
Please can we just finish the first act?
FAC
I’m hungry!
PRESTO
Shut up!
ETCETERA
How rude!
PRESTO
Arrrgh!
Lights, Music, GO!
GUS
We want information.
Get up off the floor.
OLD D
We have the papers
We need to arrest him
You know his movements
We know the law
TUGGER
Good, perhaps you can introduce us sometime.
PRESTO
Tugger!
TUGGER
*smirks*
*the song continuelajdvncl;SKJUrfv*
FAC
What was that?
PRESTO
That’s what happens when someone as arachnophobia as I am is typing
and looks down to see a rather large spider crawling across the keyboard.
FAC
oh
PRESTO
yeah oh
*anyway, the song continues, Tugger takes the money*
TUGGER
On Thursday night
You’ll find him where you want him
Far from the crowd
In the garden of Gethsemane.
OFFSTAGE VOICES
Well done Judas
Go now Judas
Well done Judas
Go now Judas
*Lights go black*
PRESTO
WOOO! Finally!
*Lights come up*
PRESTO
That’s it! The end of act one and I haven’t murdered anyone yet!
MISTO
*aside to Carb*
keyword there is yet.
PRESTO
I heard that!
MISTO
heard what?
CARB
What you just said Misto. About the keyword being yet!
MISTO
Shut up Carb!
ETCETERA
How rude!
TUGGER
So what happens now?
PRESTO
We take five!
TUGGER
Five of what?
MUNK
We take a break you idiot!
TUGGER
I knew that!
PRESTO
Whatever you say Tugger.
*Demeter and Bomb start to giggle*
TUGGER
I DID!
BOMB
We didn’t say anything!
PRESTO
Take five everyone!
