Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part II

Could you stop that thing from beating?
It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

You Know You Are A WLS Patient When

"I have a date" doesn't mean you are going out.
You have baby food in the house and no baby.
"I'm a loser" is a good thing.
All of your silverware says "Gerber"
A wooden spoon isn't just for cooking anymore.
"Welcome to the other side" does not mean you have died.
New clothes fall off the next week.
You are excited about "hand me downs"
The scale at Wal-Mart doesnt'r say "one at a time please"
Going bald and getting wrinkles is a good thing.
Just water for me please.
Hitting the "Century Mark" is a good thing!
You love the taste of Chewable Centrum Rugrats Vitamins or biting the head off of Wilma
You can be Touched by an Angel and not be considered crazy.
When your excited your incision is only 6 inches
When the word lap has nothing to do with a strip club!!
Other women are calling you "bitch" behind your back.
When you are glared at in the plus size dept because you really don't belong there anymore!
When you really don't have  a thing to wear!
When you have to prove you are you on your license!

When you start being IN the pictures, not behind the camera!
Life has new possibilities.
You want to hug everyone who is fat and give them your surgeon's card.
You are never without a bottle of water.
When people look surprised when they see how little you eat.
When you know all too well the definition of "dumping".
When you can see your feet for the first time in years!!
When you order a doggy bag the same time you order your meal.
Counting protein grams instead of calories
You can say "Oh, I won't have any of that, I'm full" and really mean it
Being too small for your britches.
Having someone say, "I can put my arm (not arms) all the way around you!!"
When you go to the mall and you park in the first open space
instead of circling for 20 minutes for a spot by the door.
When you and your new best WLS friend are planning a date to get belly button rings...(or a tattoo!)
You truly are a "Cheap date" and not in the way that some think.....
When one drink makes you a flipping floozy...
When you run you don't hear a flapping noise.....oh wait you still do.....but at least your running!
When not throwing up counts as a really good day!
When you flip up your shirt to show your scar to a complete stranger!
You feel like you have over eaten after eating half a cup of something.
Vitamins and calcium etc. feel like a meal.
When your pants suddenly fall to the ground!
You go from size 56 DDDD to 32AAA and in one year and you didn't have a breast reduction.
When the chef comes out from the kitchen and asks you "what's the matter, don't you like the meal?"
You've just lost 100 pounds, and someone who hasn't seen you in a while says ....
"Gee, did you change your hairstyle?" or what did you do, cut down on carbs?
When you bend over and see daylight through your thighs.
You can cross your legs....both of em!
When you say, "I just got these clothes last week and they're already too big!"
Trying to cash a check and the teller says, "That's not you!"
Instead of the "Wonder Bra" you need a "Wonder Where They Went Bra"
When you walk by a mirror and say to yourself "Who is that girl?"
When people take a double look at you.
When you go out for the evening and feel like Cinderella.
When your obsession turns from food to your scale.
When they no longer have to call 911 and the jaws of life to extricate you from the turnstiles
When your boobs are no longer just big, but they're are now also looonngg.
When the Sharpei you pass on the street reminds you of someone......You!
When taking a splinter out of your own foot
no longer involves rope with the tweezers or a second party with tweezers.
When you start buying shoes that tie again.
When your hand will fit in the Pringles can again, but you don't want any.
When the thought of an all you can eat buffet makes you want to barf.
When the steering wheel in your car no longer cuts off the circulation in your tummy
You no longer have a mark on your shirt from the steering wheel rubbing on it.
When you drop food, it no longer lands on your boobs, but hits your lap where the napkin is.
No more cracked toilet seats!
You can avoid the handicap stalls in public restrooms because you can now "fit" in a regular stall.
The thought of flying coach no longer sends you into a panic attack.
When your able to tuck a blouse into your pants
When you don't use the tongs to fry chicken
When you are excited to be able to go to the thrift shops and get your dressy clothes
When the flight attendant doesn't reach for the seat belt extender & you can sit by the window
When you can drive your car with the steering wheel down,
and you can bring the seat somewhat closer to the gas pedal, instead of using your tippy toes
When people actually "see" you and talk to you, and not through you like you are invisible.
When you order a child's meal, and take half of it home in a doggie bag.
When checking for leaks doesn't mean looking at your panties!!!!!!
When your spandex shorts are used for *JOGGING*,
and not merely as an anti-chaffing between-the-thighs-shielding-device.
When your exercise equipment isn't just for drying your fine washables anymore.
When you start dropping things on purpose, just because you can pick it up so easily now.
People who know you are concerned that you are working out too much.
You mother says "dear, you aren't eating enough".
When you can honestly say "I
threw my back out from a combo of mountain climbing in the daytime
and too much wild sex in the nighttime on my romantic vacation
with my new Swedish boyfriend, Sven", instead of "I threw my back out trying to wipe my own @$$".
When they say "put your trays up" on the plane and your was actually down!
When someone gives you a hand and it's applause, not help up out of your chair.
Nasty oozing rash = A KODAK MOMENT.
You don't even NOTICE the shock of horror on everyone's face
when you turn to your spouse in a public place and exclaim that you are about to DUMP.
Wooden spoon = post-op pooper scooper!
When your Dr. looks you in the eye and says, "I know you will be a success at this."
When having sex doesn't require having to slap the thighs and ride the wave in???
When your boyfriend/spouse starts gaining weight because of eating your leftovers.
When you can run up a flight of stairs and aren't even panting a little!
When you are laying flat on your back and realize
that the bulges in your armpits are where your boobs have gone.
When you leave a piece of you wherever you go (hair).
When you realize that you are no longer the "big girl" in the office
You can't wait to wake up and start your day.
You are having sex and your husband complains of your hip bones poking him.
Your butt gets tired of sitting because you have no padding.
You can sit cross-legged on the floor and you show everyone who will look.
You can wear corduroy pants without starting small fires behind you!
Being able to do Taebo without being winded... but pilates kick your butt
Running into old flames, and saying "Do I know you?"
You look forward to flirting with the new cute phlebotomist at your doctor's office.
Your clothes fall off in a public place and your scream for joy, not embarrassment
You go out to eat and ask if anyone wants to split a kids meal with you
You have clothes left at the alterations place for months,
because every time you go in to try them on, they are still too big and have to be taken in again
"Cheating" means eating three crackers
You stop ordering combo meals because you are not allowed to have the soda
You stop looking for minimizer bras, and start buying water bras!
When people you know but haven't seen since before surgery DON'T know you!
When you wave and your upper arms wave back
When you walk backwards no one feels the need to make a beeping sound
When your daughter says, "mommy -
when I grow up I want to have long, hangy down, pointy boobies just like you".
You have to safety pin your underwear on (size 14 panties on a size 6 butt)
You've ever eaten (and enjoyed) pureed tuna
Having your neighbor think your husband had gotten a divorce and married someone thin!
You turn on the morning show JUST to see Al Roker!
Before your surgery, it's all you can talk about...
After your surgery, it's all everyone else can talk about!!
You are actually bold enough to admit your weight, and even post it on the internet!!!
You can eat 1/4 of a chicken breast and feel like you just finished Thanksgiving dinner.
You actually look forward to stepping on the scale!
You are not embarrassed of anything that you have in your buggy at the supermarket!
You have a wingspan larger than an airplane...LOL!!
Your co-workers are getting diet tips from you instead of vice versa!
When it doesn't take your breath away to roll over in bed.
When you're no longer embarrassed to tell people you weigh 200 pounds
Being able to hang clothes in the closet without them falling off the hanger
Looking for protein everything
Having your children take your food because you are full not the other way around
Not afraid of the elevator because of weight limit
Cannot only blame the cat for shedding
When after a night on the town with some support group friends you go out to breakfast,
order 1 meal, and split it 4 ways! And once you have finished eating,
there's still a half of each quarter portion left on each plate!
When you are the one (instead of your husband) that blames that terrible odor on the dog!
When your pet needs a gastric bypass because you feed it all your leftovers!
You leave Costco feeling like you've left an all you can eat buffet (all those free samples!)
When food tastes the same coming up as it did going down and water is still cold coming up!
When you call Lane Bryant  and cancel your credit card.
When you race to your scale for a quick fix instead of your fridge?
When Crystal Lite is too sweet for your taste buds
When you spend more time reading product labels than you do any books.
When you spend a day in your room trying on clothes you shoved to the back of the closet
When your belly doesn't touch your knees but instead your boobs do
When researching plastic surgery for your TT, boobs, arms, thighs becomes a near olympic event
When you say "OMG I LOOOOOVE chocolate"
and you are referring to a protein shake and not a box of Fanny Mae
You buy 3 Lean Cuisines a week...and that's your total groceries.
Your rings keep spinning around your fingers